case it’s moved to off topic. I’m an associate in IB up for VP promotion.

**Title should say "in case"
 

Posting this in a throwaway in case it's moved to off topic. I'm an associate up for VP soon. Huge problem with my career is that I'm have a serious addiction problem. It's not hurt me so far since I've just been focused on execution and basic client management (just tell them what they wanna hear in RX). 
 

I'm high right now. I cannot sacrifice my job to "get help," so I've tried on my own. This is my first time high since December. I've had success with holding off, but I keep relapsing when I think how the feeling the drug gives is better than anything I could ever hope for naturally.
 

Just seeking advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation. Please don't respond with unhelpful advice or "seek therapy" suggestions. I had horrible experiences with therapy as a child and would rather overdose than have to deal with that again.  

Comments (16)

Most Helpful
Jan 26, 2022 - 11:39pm
marketMergerMaddie, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I'm super sorry to hear you are struggling with addiction! It is super difficult to break and get out of it. I can't say I've been in a situation involving addiction, but I have studied it as part of my undergrad degree (physiology/biomedical engineering). Figured I'd add one comment just to get things started. 

1. Figure out how debilitating this addiction is to your life. Try to be as clinical, honest, and quantitative as possible. You mention that it is a "huge problem for your career" and in the same line include, "It's not hurt me so far." I agree that this will likely affect you in the future, but try to figure out how this is impacting you since it isn't super clear here. 

2. Once you've made a bit of an assessment, try to manage your addiction. If the addiction is purely psychological it might be worth speaking to an addiction specialist (speak to a Doctor btw, not a random shrink,) if it's a physical addiction as well, you definitely need to talk to your physician about the fact you have a physical addiction, so that you can assess the health impact. This could be severe and create long-term disability. 

3. I'm curious what "I cannot sacrifice my job to 'get help,' so I've tried on my own" means. What have you tried to do so far? Has it been successful? (I'm guessing no by this post). Try and assess what has worked and what hasn't. Keep doing what works. 

4. Therapy pretty much seems to be off the table for you, so I'd suggest you talk to other people who have recovered from your addiction and hear what they did. I don't know what you're afflicted with, and I'm guessing I won't have any great answers about it myself. 

Lastly, I get therapy can suck. There's a long thread where chicandtoughness, [Isaiah_53_5 💎🙌💎🙌💎], and I all talk about it. I've had terrible therapy in my life and it made me not want to go back. Many are advocating the kind of therapy I received be banned nationwide. It was hard for me to try it again in my life, but I can say if you get someone who understands you, it's worth it. 

Good luck and I hope you find success!

  • Analyst 1 in IB - Cov
Jan 27, 2022 - 1:14am

Hey man, I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. Had a few questions. How long have you been addicted to ecstasy? After you sober up, do you instantly get cravings or feel the need to do more? Or do you feel a strong comedown?

The reason I ask is because I had some addiction issues in college. I was addicted to nicotine in college after trying some friend's juuls and I eventually started smoking tobacco out of my friend's bongs. I'm talking 3 massive bowls in the morning, a few in the afternoon and then some before bed. Never liked weed, actually only smoked tobacco. To illustrate, I asked my friend to smoke a bowl that was 1/4th the size of the ones I smoked and he fell out his chair and laid on the ground for 15 minutes and nearly puked. Once I moved into NYC and started FT, about a week into the job I suddenly lost all craving for nicotine and didn't smoke any for months. On weekends sometimes me friends will offer me vapes and i'll hit it when i'm drunk because inhibitions are low. I also started doing a ton of coke after starting FT, i'm talking like i do 6-7 lines Friday and Sat every week but I never feel cravings for it when i'm sober or even drunk, if I decide its a coke night it just is. I still do it a ton but I am not addicted and had no issue with any cravings during the holidays from middle of December till now.

One thing I think that really helped me quit vaping is knowing that shitty feeling that you get right after the headbuzz goes away after you vape after taking a few day break (i think other people feel this?) and eventually one day I completely lost the craving for nicotine. I think subconciously my body wanted to avoid the sort of mini come down, kept me away long enough that i'm no longer addicted. The same situation happens when I do coke... the reason i do 6-7 lines a night when I do it is because i hate that feeling of a come down, its just so strong and feels so shitty so I feel like I need to do another line. That's why I never get a craving to do coke in the middle of the day or the work week because I know that the come down feels so bad that I would only reserve it for a night where i'm 10 drinks in and ready to down enough lines to the point where i'm unable to feel a come down.

I've done molly a few times and that come down was equally as bad as coke except i felt shitty for 2 days after rather than minutes like coke is. I'm wondering if you get that same feeling and maybe you keep doing more to avoid that strong come down. If you recognize and focus on that shitty comedown feeling it may help you quit over a period of time. I don't think its always possible to quit cold turkey like it was for me and nicotine but I do think if you ween yourself off of it such that every time you do ecstasy you feel physically awful afterwards, it may get you to the point where the next time you do it is further and further away and you may be able to quit on your own. Its like when people say the best thing for a hang over is to keep drinking, and this may be what you're doing with molly so maybe try spacing it out for a time period for you to feel physically shitty after doing it. I know this isn't the typical advice but I have been in a similar situation and I've been able to quit something insanely addicting so I think its more relevant here than telling you to go to rehab or therapy like others may suggest.

Jan 27, 2022 - 1:22am
VPAddict, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Since freshman year of college. I was pretty much crippled by it my sophomore year and got a 2.0 GPA that year, but I managed to grind it out after that and a managed to eventually lateral to an EB RX group. Only reason I could overcome the addiction was through the fear that I wouldn't be able to afford it one day so I forced myself to the pills on the weekends. My senior year was hard because my dealer graduated, and my first bit of time in NYC was hard for the same reason. Now I just import off the dark web to a PO Box (easier than you'd think). 
 

I've been with this one girl for a year actually, and I suppose the fear is that as much as I love her, none of it is a good as the ecstasy. She doesn't know, and I don't want to tell her. I'm up for VP and my team likes me. I feel like an SMD is grooming me for some of his contacts too, so I just don't wanna fuck it up.

I actually always wanted to be a fighter pilot, but now I can't be any pilot due to FAA regulations against addiction, so I've kinda resigned myself to trying to produce the most value for potential children that could do whatever they want. 

  • Analyst 1 in IB - Cov
Jan 27, 2022 - 1:28am

Do you get intense come downs after your high goes away? Seeing as you don't want to go to therapy and that you do want to improve, there needs to be a focus on the negatives. If you do have a come down, remember it before you take your next dose and maybe it'll push it back for a day or two. Next time remember your come down and let it push it back for 3-4 and build it from there

Jan 27, 2022 - 5:15am
TheBuellerBanker, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Had a couple friends who went through addiction too (coke / PEDs like Vyvanse etc) and the first thing which helped them was to kill the dealer number in their phones. Once they committed to stopping, deleting the supply was the logical solution to cutting off supply. I'm not sure what your level of addiction is and what the withdrawal looks like for E, if any, but to the extent you can cut yourself off from getting some easily is a good start.

Do you have friends? Like to you go out and pop an E or is it more than that and something you do throughout the day? Obviously the fact that you were high writing this hints to the latter. Something like E which dumps serotonin and dopamine is rough to come off of at first attempt but it's really just something you've got to power through.

In my underqualified opinion, if cutting off supply and stopping cold turkey just isn't an option, rehab could really be helpful. Even a short stint could be a helpful reset.

You're clearly good at your job given the nod to the VP promote but make sure you remind yourself that this can and will interfere with that progression at some point. 

  • 6
Jan 27, 2022 - 7:00am
Ravena, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I'm in recovery. Before I got here I had lost 3 jobs in the span of ~5 years, the last being a particularly great seat that I continue to regret giving up to this day.

For me it was never a "partying" issue. I was always just chasing oblivion. I could never get comfortable in my own skin and drinking/drugs enabled me to escape those feelings. My path took me to inpatient followed by AA. People have differing opinions on 12 step programs but they work. There is also a high likelihood that no matter where you work one of your colleagues (probably one of your rainmaker MDs) is in a program for one addiction or another.

In my experience, folks usually don't come around until they've really blown up their lives. Losing the job, kicked out of the house, lost custody of the kids etc. That said, it's a lot easier to get sober when you're not trying to pick up the pieces of your life.

If you don't want to associate with a 12 step program I'd suggest just building a community around yourself that's centered on things other than drinking/drugs. What I have always found helpful is setting up systems for external accountability because I won't always be 100% accountable to myself.

Whatever you decide to do, even if it's nothing, I wish you the best. Not to be overly dramatic but if you're really an addict losing a job will be the least of your worries. This shit kills.

Jan 27, 2022 - 12:12pm
thebrofessor, what's your opinion? Comment below:

nicotine and ecstasy are not the same things, but what worked for me was classic psychedelics, specifically psilocybin. I cannot make a recommendation to do it, but I know others have had successful experiences breaking addiction with classic psychedelics, which due to their nature have very low propensity for addiction and near zero for dependence. I've also anecdotally heard good things about ibogaine and ayahuasca specifically for breaking addiction (ayahuasca is legal in parts of CA I believe so you don't have to go a hut in peru or something).

so in addition to a psychedelic trip where I got really really really uncomfortable with the person I was (I was alone but in a safe place for the trip), I believe in systems, so whoever suggested delete your dealer's number, that's a good start. and then I want to pull on something you said about how "nothing feels as good as ecstasy" or something similar. part of the reason people feel addiction is because they want to be numb to regular life, so you want to find out why you want to feel numb. for me, the easiest way to do this without lying to myself was with psychedelics, for others it could be chatting with a close friend/non-judgmental family member, for others it's therapy, but my point is this: you have to confront the uncomfortable.

but the real reason I came here is to spread love. it takes a very strong person to admit you have an addiction problem. I've seen many friends and friends of friends go through this, some never kicked it and the last time I saw them was a funeral, others made it out on the other side, but the ones who made it out all share one commonality - they acknowledged it. so here's a virtual hug from a guy you don't know, but I think you can really beat this man, I really do. much love, and my inbox is open if you ever want to spitball

Jan 28, 2022 - 1:24am
wtf is the 75 percent guy on, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Don't really see why addiction is a problem as long as it's a healthy, prestigious drug (cocaine, adderall) and not some unprestigious, unhealthy drug associated with minorities like marijuana or codeine. 
 

I do about 7.5g of cocaine a week and I'm a politician (used to do even more back when I was in PE/IBD).

As that British cunt in Industry said; "It's not an addiction as long as you can afford it."

Jan 29, 2022 - 5:18am
SunTzu, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Interesting timing as I am high on cocaine as I saw this and am wondering if I have an issue too... Never was into drugs in college but now that $ is flush and I have a dealer's #, it's too easy to hit him up when times are stressful or the boys want to have a good time. IMO it's all about setting a line in the sand and being man enough to realize it. It's not taboo to admit you have a problem - it takes more courage to seek help to solve the problem versus just brushing it off. My wife's sister succumbed to addiction, so it's a topic close to home. She thought she was ok and husband just let her exist in addiction limbo until her body shut down. Addiction isn't your fault and it's ok to seek help. Help doesnt have to be inpatient rehab- seek a therapist, talk to someone about issues that cause you to abuse. They can help you identify the triggers that cause you to abuse and break the association of these triggers and using.

I know I don't have a leg to stand on, but figured I could relate since I dabble but it has never affected work or personal life. Feel free to DM if you think I can be useful. Happy to help in any way I can!

Life is more than dollars
  • 6
Jan 29, 2022 - 8:43am
Smoke Frog, what's your opinion? Comment below:

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