Desperate need of help

I will try to keep this as brief as possible but it may be a bit of a ramble so sorry in advance. 

I finished up school and am another new banking analyst. Ever since moving to the city (I'm not NYC) to start this new job and life I've felt so lonely. I don't know anyone where I am and our office is very small so no other analysts really to be friends with. I have a really good relation with my parents and honestly loved living at home (I was an only child as well). I could do whatever I wanted and had a lot of physical space. I also just felt at "home" always if that makes sense.

I know my parents will not be around forever and I need to learn on being independent and alone, but I can't shake this feeling of depression being so alone and not knowing any one. On one hand, I think "just a year or so analyst stint, I'll be so busy anyway to think" but what about after that? Yeah I will likely go Corp Dev or something chill at some point, but I realize my problem is feeling so dependent.

Maybe I'm a giant pussy and I deserve to be laughed at and told to man up. I don't know if this feeling is normal and it just goes away after being a 23 year old. The thing is I also didn't have a ton of friends back home either but I never felt lonely. Not even once. I felt so comfortable with where I was and what I was doing. Weekends I don't even look forward to because it's just me and silence even though I was sort of okay with that back home being around my family (not just parents but my entire extended family in the area too).

TLDR: I'm lonely in a new city. I'm scared for my future and if I will ever be able to feel independent and being away from my family that I love. But I'm not sure if just pushing through IB and then exiting to a job back near home is a solution as my parents are getting older and may not be around in 20 yeas god forbid.

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Comments (17)

Sep 27, 2021 - 2:13pm

This is the advice I give everyone because it seems like it seems to work:

1) go to the gym. Idc if you have to go at 7pm, 12pm, 5am.. just go and get swole

2) go to meetup app and just do random shit with random people

3) you will start meeing people organically this way

4) you may even get pussy because u just became good looking, make a good chunk of change at your work, and are interesting 

Sep 27, 2021 - 2:33pm

Thanks for responding. When it comes to the gym how does one do this with IB? I can fit a workout in I think but the part that gets especially hard is getting enough protein and calories. Should I use a mass gainer supplement maybe and chug that in the morning? 

Also with meetup and apologies in advance if this is rude but is it really a good option? I've heard conflicting things 

Sep 28, 2021 - 6:22pm

I picked a gym near my building and I go when VPs and up are gone, then I go back to the office. I know friends have made friends through Bumble friends when they moved to a new city. I don't recommend moving home, personally. At some point, you're gonna just have to get out there and there's no time really like the present. Even if you don't like the other analysts that much, you might as well go out with them and you may meet people through them that you like

I think I did this right

Sep 27, 2021 - 5:52pm

You sound like someone who has no hobbies or activities. Aren't you trying to chase girls? Hit up the gym. Do activities. Hang out with friends. Go to random bars and get drunk. There is a lot to do in your 20s. Stop being a p**sy and join a boxing gym. Do Muay Thai. Take control of your life and grab it by the fucking horns.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

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Sep 27, 2021 - 5:59pm

If your hours don't permit Muay Thai training, you can always hit up the gym. Are you really suffering enough on a daily basis? It doesn't sound like you are.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

Most Helpful
  • Analyst 1 in IB - Cov
Sep 28, 2021 - 2:31am

I lived abroad (abroad as in I was in the States) for 7 years and now work close in a city to my hometown. 

I think having a strong tie to your family/hometown is not a weakness. It's nothing but shows you care a lot about your family and IMO that is respectable.

It's one of those things that I respect in a person, man or woman. 

In terms of feeling lonely. Hell yeah. I was so lonely for the first 5-6 years. Only after I started working in a major city in the U.S. I made this really good friend who is from a European country. We are like really, really good friends although neither of us is in the States right now. We write email letters a lot and talk about life and shit. 

It's something every single person needs to go through. It's a soft skill you need to learn and master.

I haven't mastered this skill yet. Trying. 

Sep 28, 2021 - 5:36am

Echo what the others have said here, you need to force yourself to leave your apartment and meet people.

Does your alumni network have a presence where you are? Did you go to a big football school where you can go to one of the bars that always has your school's game on?

If you're just looking for events, Thrillist isn't bad to get started. They typically do a "what to do this weekend."

You're definitely not a pussy for being close to your parents and friends from home. It's a great thing to have strong, deep roots. But you need to use them to grow and be yourself too.

Absolutely worst case, host a few of your buddies and be a tourist with them in your city. It'll help you get the lay of the land, with people that make you comfortable, and when they leave you'll have a few things to do that also remind you of them.

  • Analyst 1 in IB - Gen
Sep 28, 2021 - 8:36am

Thank you I will try. Not the best at approaching random people but I'll see what I can do.

Sep 28, 2021 - 5:40am

Also, don't spiral into a mortality hole. Enjoy the time you have with everyone now, don't worry about anything down the road. You'll lose your fucking mind. 

Even if you're not physically close, play like words with friends with them or something. They want you to do well and be happy, do that for them and it will benefit you too. 

  • Associate 1 in IB-M&A
Sep 28, 2021 - 1:02pm

I feel you. Went through a tough time when I moved to the city (girlfriend just dumped me too) but honestly going to the gym really really helps. Sometimes I knew it helped but I still didn't go. That's fine, but hopefully one day (sooner than later), you will drag yourself. When you're in banking with no life, you also end up flush with cash. So I saw escorts thinking that would help. Even had a friendly crush on one of them and we'd do lunch and chat shit for free. But trust me it doesn't help. I haven't really found a way to navigate this loneliness sentiment fully. I've tried volunteering for charity events, going for stuff like pottery or singing lessons, picking up a new sport like tennis over the weekend. You don't have a lot of time but the thing I found helpful was to find something where you can strive toward something. For me that's becoming a better tennis amateur right now. It just gives a sense of purpose, and there are people i can talk to at the tennis club over the weekend. Just having a common group of people to chat with leisurely one afternoon a week has made a big difference for me. Hope you figure it out too. We're all trying.

  • Analyst 1 in IB - Cov
Sep 28, 2021 - 10:03pm

Hey, echo your escort comment a lot. I'm not proud that I have been doing this for a while and as you said, it doesn't solve the problem. 

  • Research Analyst in HF - Other
Sep 29, 2021 - 6:55am

I kind of resonated with this when I first moved to the city. I didn't really have any hobbies and I'm still more of a homebody. But basically I would suggest trying to actively gain hobbies essentially and meet people organically that way. Make an effort to meet new friends and proactively reach out. Host/invite people at your apartment etc. if you have time

Sep 29, 2021 - 7:55pm

All the advice is really good. I would just add that it really would help to just grieve the loss of the old way of life. Might seem like a pussy thing to do (because it is) but it just helps to acknowledge you miss your family. Being an only child is really difficult when you move out because that's when it really hits that you have nobody your age you can automatically rely on without questioning their motives or thinking they might abandon you. You should just cry and then go do all the things people suggested. It will help you move on to a new phase in life. (Being a pussy is necessary sometimes)

Sep 30, 2021 - 3:25pm

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