Do I belong in the Nut Ward or on Wall Street?
Bros and broettes, white-collar wankers and the like,
after a self-destructive, booze-fueled evening where I once again let my Id run free and wreak havoc on my surroundings, I have to get this off my chest: I am probably delusional about the chances I have in the financial industry and I could really use some advice right now.
Imma be honest with you, real shit here. All those people on this website who´re like, oh, I am such an introvert, do I have a shot at PE, I wasn´t socialized enough, now I got muh anxiety, waaa waaa, all of y´all are some punk ass kiddies. Let me tell you how fucked up it is to wake up on the wrong foot in the morning for absolutely no reason, have your performance drop like 50% due to it and literally watch while your fucking brain short-circuits and warps reality around you until your boss is not your boss anymore but a monstrous enemy hellbent on going to town on your butt and the plain jane from HR the future mother of your children. But wait, there´s more! Imagine, in addition, being super cocksure during your "good time", bragging and posing like you´re Chad Chaddington IV, Harvard MBA in 3rd generation, instead of the very mediocre Excel jockey from a no-name college you are, resulting in people (kinda rightly) calling you a delusional windbag in your face. Oh yeah, and that doesn´t even include the volcanic explosions of rage where literally everything and everyone is hostile and worthy of a solidly chunky punch. And I am that way for as long as I can remember, since I was about 3 years old. So, in contrast to Assburgers, which is regarded as a bit of a weird/funny quirk, and ADHD, which is hip to have, my fucky-wucky brain disorder has quite the bad rep.
Now, people have to have jobs. That´s a sad fact. I do like economic stuff and doing smart things. GMAT was fun. Rosenbaum & Pearl was really interesting, as were a lot of the topics in university. My rational brain is actually quite suited for IB, especially Excel based stuff. But my fucky-wucky child brain is really not. And now I´m kinda at my wits end here and I don´t know if therapy will help and if I´m really delusional and if I can continue living like that. So yeah. This is it. I know smart people with life experience are lurking here, non-normies like @Isaiah_53_5 (shoutout to you, my man), and if you´d find the time to let loose some of that wisdom, I´d really appreciate it.
Thx
Dude, this really goes beyond your career. This shit affects your life all around. You seem like a hungry and highly intelligent guy, and I understand the immense frustration in seeing your potential being squandered.
The rational part of your brain is brilliant - the priority now has to be to keep under control the fucky wucky part. Are you / have you ever been on medication? To what extent have you gotten mental health help until now?
Until you have tried every single thing don’t give up dude. Try therapy, medication, any fucking thing that might help you. This is way more important than breaking into finance.
You wouldn’t give up on breaking into IB unless you’ve tried in every possible way right? Then apply that to your mental health. Once that is under control everything else will come easy.
Thanks for the compliment. You´re right, it´s tough knowing you are surely smart, but not sane or stable enough. I was never on medication and there is none, as far as I know. Nootropics help me push through depressive phases but they also highten my irrationality. So far, my efforts with therapy have been disappointing and I always found the idea of CBT/DBT pretty ridiculous. Mantras, anchors, all that shit seems so childish to me. But maybe I don´t really have a choice anymore, not if I want to stop jeopardizing everything I worked for.
You seem to have experience in this area. Have you ever struggled with parts of yourself?
I was lucky enough not to go through this myself, but have been very close to two people who have (best friend/housemate and partner). Both are extremely intelligent, one of them being at the top of their course in a top university and the other speaking five languages and the likes. It sucks to see how much it can affect performance. The thing I noticed being the most destructive both mentally and to their performance is inconsistency - ie changing multiple therapists in a short time, switching medication, abruptly stopping medication etc.
My friend actually did CBT and despite it seeming silly it really helped. From my understanding, it aides you in building the mental structures you need to deal with episodes in which you aren’t rational.
I must note that mental illness seems to be very prevalent among highly intelligent people - I’d estimate that more than half of students at my top uni suffer from related conditions, compared to only a handful of students from my comprehensive state high school.
This should hopefully be encouraging as it shows that there are ways to control it and achieve highly.
It’s hard to keep trying when all treatments haven’t worked, but just like with a physical illness every wrong diagnosis / treatment brings you closer to the one that will actually work.
Thanks for the input. I believe intelligent people are far more prone to melancholy and burn-out, leading to higher depression rates among them. I, of course, can not say which illness is better or worse, depression or the unstable mood disorders, where my complexion belongs. But it is good to know that one doesn´t stand alone in this fight.
I cannot speak to IB or PE, but I can speak to my experience in public AM. The more that you know, the more that you know that you don't know. I know most of the big names in my field: Reggie, Eric, Tom (Anthanisios), Debbie, Todd, and Tom on a first name basis. I know that there's a shit-ton that I don't know, but I know that I know about as much as they do.
I'm absolute crap at a cocktail party and I come from a middle to upper middle class family of engineers and real estate managers, so I have no connections. Even my mother can't describe what I do. Just this week a coworker admitted his wife had the same problem.
Decide if you like this. I'm having an amazing time. Hell, it's Sunday morning and I'm here. I think that many of those that thrive here are similar to me and say 'this is barely work.'
why not both?
Regarding ADHD, if you have it, get it under control as early as possible. I was fist diagnosed in my late 20's with ADD, and it had already fucked up a lot in my professional and personal life.
Its hard to understand what you seek in life. Maybe take some time to write down what you want on paper. Then your brain will constantly 'reload and refresh' ways to make that happen. Get obsessed about something. Hit max HR for as long as you can. Things will start to make sense.
As far as therapy, a professional may not be needed if you have a close group of friends that you communicate with (or family etc). But, it is nice to have a psychiatrist in your pocket if needed as well as a business advisor (mentor). Once you surround yourself with goals and the people who will emotionally support you in getting them, you'll be where you want to go in no time.
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