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Comments (27)

Jun 28, 2021 - 9:25am

Did you end up doing anything in NYC? I remember you making that thread about it. As for feeling lonely or somewhat anxious, perhaps it would be best to talk to a professional or even a close friend or family memeber you feel you can confide in. I'm not going to go ahead and diagnose you over the internet on finance forum of all places. But I think I can relate to what you're feeling a little bit. I had the same anxoius feelings some months ago.In fact, I get them once or twice a year and they last for a couple weeks. It really sucks because everything is going so well for me (all things considered) and here I am feeling down. 

Meditation doesn't work for me either, I like to write and that's what I found to help. I also force myself to go and hangout with friends. Excersise is another good thing to put your mind at ease. Don't brush anything under the rug, again, talk to someone and keep yourself healthy.

  • Analyst 2 in IB - Gen
Jun 28, 2021 - 10:22am

I had a very similar situation and tried a lot of things that didn't work. What made a big difference was just letting it all out to people. I sat down and talked to 3 or 4 people all within a few days (different ages and professions) and just let it all out. They didn't say much just little inputs here and there for perspective. I wasn't expecting much but after each chat I felt a bit better and at the end significantly better.

I'm not the happiest man in the world now but my head feels much clearer and I have a better idea of what the core issues really are.

Most Helpful
Jun 28, 2021 - 3:06pm

the first thing you should always do when your mind goes to a dark place is face that head on, don't bury it. I do that sometimes with meditation, but often times that's not helpful if I'm very upset so I'll journal and write out ALL (yes all) of my thoughts, sometimes this leads to a realization, sometimes it leads me to say "you should just suck it up, that's not that bad," and sometimes I don't solve anything, but I feel a little less heavy after doing that

the next thing is to do something that's within your control and is a positive behavior. this could be practicing a skill I'm working on, exercising, writing down goals for the future and prioritizing them, and so on

anytime I arrive at a point in my life when I'm unhappy with something going on, I always ask "so what?" and get to the core of what's causing it. without exception, it's led me to work on something within myself, and then I create and execute a plan of action to minimize that deficiency. I'd suggest that if you don't have a mate, if you deeply reflect on yourself, you'll realize some shit. it could be that you're the problem (you're not a catch), it could be that you have trust issues because you just got cheated on, it could be that you're a great catch and live in a shitty part of the country, it could be you're fishing in the wrong pond (looking for long term relationships at seedy nightclubs around 2am), but you won't know until you spend some time being uncomfortable with yourself and approaching it from a position of "what can I do to change this" rather than lamenting your situation

I'm personally not a fan of saying "ehh it's not a big deal, things will get better." sometimes they do, sometimes it's not a big deal because you're overreacting, but this is exactly the wrong mentality if there are things within your control you can change. some things don't get better unless you attack them. physical shape is one, manners is another, personal skills are another, unless you're working at improvement, it's not going to change. surrender is only important insofar as things that are outside your control, not within it. so reflect, prioritize, execute, and spread the gospel to others

godspeed

Jun 28, 2021 - 5:30pm

Awesome advice. Journaling is so useful, if only for unburdening yourself

The other area you mention on fixing what's in your control is a winner as well. Most of this stuff is actionable. For me, trying to get in shape is a big one -- it's been holding me back in several realms

Other thing is I've also felt lonely, which made me join clubs & be more open to meeting people -- helped a ton.

Remote work during COVID has been a godsend for both. Have had more time work work out and lived at my parent's place for >1yr & reconnected with a bunch of friends. Hopefully I'll report back in a year on both of these things and feel like I've knocked it out of the park

Best of luck to all of you

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Jun 28, 2021 - 9:19pm

How do you distinguish "sucking it up" and actually changing a situation? I struggle with that. On one hand, something can make me very anxious/ unhappy, but on the other there's billions of people out there who have it exponentially worse than me. 
 

I'm self aware enough to know the hedonic treadmill is real and most of my problems are laughable for anyone facing hunger/ poverty/ etc throughout the world. But in the moment, sometimes it feels enough to say "Fuck this I'm done". 
 

Edit: also if my description is too vague, I'm referring to work specifically. Just today I had my 12th (if I'm remembering correctly) coworker quit. Makes me think if I'm being a diva or if they're all onto something and in better jobs now. 

“The three most harmful addictions are heroin, carbohydrates, and a monthly salary.” - Nassim Taleb
  • 3
Jun 29, 2021 - 10:09am

I don't distinguish, I allow the solution to present itself. I'll take you back to my career crisis before I built my PWM practice, though the details aren't important, the gist is I was in a low paying low potential role and debating between building my own PWM practice and going buyside LO for a boutique, simultaneously most of my friends were making much more money than I was and seemingly climbing the ladder faster

I reflected on the situation I'm in - what do I specifically dislike about my role, what do I specifically dislike about my situation, what do I specifically dislike about [fill in the blank] and wrote every grievance down (can't remember if I used a legal pad or a computer, probably legal pad + glenlivet, my usual pondering setup)

from that list, I wrote down how I could, using only things within my control, change each one of those grievances. what I discovered was that once I only focused on what was inside my control, the list of grievances was MUCH smaller, the rest were just nagging symptoms of the larger problem (I wanted autonomy and was avoiding the discomfort that comes with building that and striking out alone) and if I solved the big picture problem (how do I gain more control, autonomy, influence over my income) the rest would fall into place. 

after that epiphany, I began looking into how I'd go about doing that which is more of a goal setting/informational interview type thing, but the idea is the same. if something's outside my control, and I find it hard to "suck it up," I ask myself why. why am I making a big deal over XYZ, and often times it was me projecting my own insecurities outward. example: friends making more money and going on dope trips when I'm having to wait for jos a bank to have a $300 sale on suits that I can't even buy with cash, need to put on the credit card. why does that make me mad? well, in my case, it was because I wanted to 1. spend time with those friends and 2. have the ability to pay for such experiences. I discovered the depth of the friendship is on the person, not the vacation, so I took a more active role in maintaining relationships, and on the ability to pay for the experiences I said "well if the rest goes well that won't ever be a concern, all pain is temporary" so I quite literally sucked it up. no use in lamenting a situation, so I focused on what I could do (network, info interviews, research on the field, etc.) and so far, everything's fallen into place

the overarching theme is this. if within your control - change it. if outside, what's the point in worrying about it? in my experience, when you focus on the things you can control and actually have the discipline to stick with it (this isn't a post about goal setting, we can go into that later if needed but based on your success so far you probably don't need my help), either the other concerns over things outside your control (comparing yourself to others, etc.) will evaporate because you're actually better off, or hopefully what happened to me will happen to you, you won't give a fuck

not giving a fuck is the ultimate goal here malta, I think you're on the way, just gotta take time and reflect on what's grinding your gears more

  • Analyst 2 in IB - Cov
Jun 28, 2021 - 10:15pm

Throw the MS, but it won't be sex that makes you feel less alone, what you need is human touch & people that u feel really care about you. Which is why I would suggest finding someone you can hug and really embrace. Again, sex will not fill this void. 

Jun 29, 2021 - 8:04pm

Pizz

Damn this is deep. All Guys want is a girl who will cuddle with them when they go to sleep 

You're so sweet 

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

  • 1
Jun 29, 2021 - 9:08pm

Yeah, never understood why guys even care about casual sex.  I've never done it, but I'd imagine paying an escort would be more fun than a drunk five minutes anyways.  I'm convinced 90% of it is just for the confidence boost, the trophy

Jun 30, 2021 - 11:20am

The pressure to prove yourself & hook up with as many girls as possible is so real 

Even I recognize it's stupid / unnecessary -- after all, you don't have anything to prove to anyone but yourself (in any realm) -- but am still caught up by it. Crazy 

Jun 29, 2021 - 9:55am

Maybe you don't feel as connected to the world? There was a phase in my life where I lost a lot of my "passions" - I was questioning them and no longer felt a strong drive to work towards my goals as well as did not feel that sense of inspiration I used to get when thinking/speaking/doing work relating to things I used to care about. Looking back, this likely stemmed from just outgrowing my previous worldview/likes/goals. Since people in this industry, myself definitely included, tend to be very goal-driven, I lost a lot of my drive and interest in the world for a while and felt both disconnected from others and lonely. 
Easy but slower fix is just to pick up different hobbies and join different interest groups to meet new people and find new interests. 
Honestly - your issue may also be a COVID/lockdown thing. I'm hugely extraverted and still talking constantly with friends but the more limited opportunities for after-work and weekend social activities have certainly contributed to my feeling more lonely these days. 

Jun 29, 2021 - 9:57am

you sound like you are starved of some juicy pussy, go get some juicy pussy my bro

I'm from Europe 

Jun 30, 2021 - 11:46am

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Jun 30, 2021 - 12:19pm

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I'm from Europe 

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