Hey suckers. How are those new years resolutions treating you? You getting up early and getting shredded at Equinox, or maybe quitting weed? (Weed has its time and place but is generally for pussies who can't handle stimulants). Or perhaps you've finally decided it's time to break up with that chick who's getting a little too close to 30, and doesn't exactly hold her own against the babes in that dumb new spin class you're about to quit.
My new years resolutions? Thanks for asking, bro. I'm gonna take a hard pass on anything to do with my body, that's for women. I'm also already perfect in that regard, no homo. But I do have some ideas for how I can crush 2017 until it's as flat as Emma Watson's chest (google it, yikes).
1. Get Rid of That Damn Boat
I bought a boat when I was 22 and it's been sitting in a marina in [an undisclosed location] ever since. I work all the fucking time and I only use my vacation days to cover up huge lapses in judgment. Plus, I hate to admit it, but it's not a yacht and it's not befitting to my status as a badass/warrior/champion (take your pick).
2. Acquire More Money
You might recall that I used the tremendous leverage I had over my boss to get out of jail free, and I didn't want to push it after that. Regardless, I've been skateboarding and ShakeWeighting around the office in the wee hours to get the juices flowing and reach maximum productivity, and it shows. Higher-ups who aren't my boss are noticing, and soon it'll be high time to storm the corner office and ask for what I deserve, no blackmail necessary. I suggest anyone who is tiptoeing around asking for a raise to take note: work hard as fuck, pull a couple power moves (takes balls), then just ask.
3. Write a Book
You think I'm kidding, but if I can put these golden nuggets of monkey shit out into the world on a weekly basis, who's to say I can't unleash a tome the size of Infinite Jest on the world? You'll read it, don't lie.
What are your goals for this year? Are you gonna finally try to be as cool as me or are you good with your regular boring midwestern fishing trip you call life?