I'm a very angry man. I hold a lot of hate in my heart - lot of resentment and disgust. It's been growing for years. It reached a tipping point the other day and I've had a breakthrough. I remember everybody who's ever wronged me. I have a literal shit list. I've felt rejected all my life. Rejected by my own father, by other kids, by the teachers. But a swollen and innate sense of pride never allowed me to back down. Even if a group of kids kick your ass, it's still your fault if you fight back and they all say it was your fault. So I quickly became branded as the bad kid. Rejected from the classroom. Sit in the hallway. Special ed. Principal's office. Rejected from the school. Expelled. Problems with the law. Rejected by the law. Chronic pain begins at age 15. My own body rejects me now? Swell. Emotional instability was always there, but I've only recently become aware of it. Well fuck y'all then Imma do me regardless. Expect rejection. Reject people before they get a chance to reject you. Lift a bunch of weights. Get a bunch of crazy tattoos. Crazy hair. Don't fucking talk to me. You already know I'm not one of you. Become obsessed with facts and knowledge and truths. Truths are objective. Knowledge can't reject you. Learn martial arts. Always gotten obsessed with little side-businesses as a kid and later selling drugs. Here's some facts, fuckos. You might not like me, but I can choke you out if you come at me and I have more money than you, so suck my dick. Nothing else matters.
Find comfort in drugs. Shit was kinda rough when I was like 16. I graduated HS early and had half a year to kill before I started community college. I'd saved up like $15K and blew through all of it in that time. I'd spend weeks at a time drunk, on Xanax, opiates, and a lot of DXM trips. Act very erratically. Crashed several vehicles. More arrests. Two DWIs. That's when my sister tricked me. She said a psych evaluation would help with my court case. I was on DXM when she tricked me into going to the hospital. She took advantage of my vulnerable state. That ended up in me being hospitalized and then put into the psych ward for 11 days. That's how long it took me to stop fighting back and play nice. All I'll say is that nothing nice happens to a tumultuous and relentless young man who's being held against his will in a psych ward. I spent a month in rehab after that, which was actually a blast and got me interested in heroin, which I started doing upon my release. Several more years of retarded shit followed. Maybe 6 more totaled vehicles, a few ICU visits, a heroin overdose, a DXM overdose, broken neck and arms, college expulsion, a few more arrests for stupid shit like battery, and finally the one that forced me to get it together - the quadruple felony for selling a half pound of weed to undercovers. Being faced with actual prison time and meeting my wife got my life on track. Three years probation working a shitty job and living in shitty conditions. Get a better job. Rescinded after background check. More rejection, cool. Finally get forced out of my own job. That was a whole saga. Some of you remember.
The hate and resentment only grew. I never forgave my sister. I'd never do anything to her of course. Because I love my mom and also because her husband is one of my clients as of like 3 years ago. I always played nice and went to family events. Although I had stopped going to those altogether about a year ago too. Just didn't want to be around any of them. I'd tell myself I'm smarter than them and have nothing to gain from the interaction. I get the interesting parts of my mind from my dad and he's gone so ya'll need to produce him so I can ask him a bunch of shit and learn from him or I'm not interested. Decided this was barely my real family.
The only way I knew to get back at my sister and everyone else who'd told me I wasn't living right all my life was to quietly become better than them in every way. Maybe a year ago, people stopped giving me advice and accepted I was going to do whatever the fuck I wanted. Every step up in life I'd make, I'd compare it to my sister. She was always the "successful" one growing up and I was the fuckup. Look at me now, bitch, I'd think. Shitting all over you at my age. And I did none of the shit you all said was right. None of it. Watch me rise, but don't fucking talk to me. Now, I reject you. How's it feel, bitches? What kind of cars this whore drive? Alright, we need better whatever we get. What trips she taken? We gotta go more spots. What kind of house she got? Well fuck. They just got done building a custom house in a nice ass area. Alright well I'm not quite there yet, but my house is still fucking nice you whore and I'm shitting all the fuck over 26-year-old you with your roomate-having, Buick-driving ass. Don't ignore her, but one-word answers. Six days to reply. Make it obvious you ain't shit to me.
And that's just my sister. I remember everyone who's ever wronged me. I remember a motherfucker who I fronted a half ounce when I was 15 and he disappeared. I ever catch you out Bobby Imma break your skinny little legs and take your jeans. I remember the names and faces of some little shits who robbed me of two zips of weed and a half of blow 8 years ago. I'd spend a decent amount of mental energy deciding how I was going to make them disappear with money. I remember every lender who didn't give me the time of day 4 years ago. I'm gonna hire someone to fuck your wife and then ruin your business. Don't know how yet, but when I have the resources, that's how I want to deploy them. Every teacher who I felt acted unjustly. Gonna ruin your career. Don't know how yet, but I will.
I'd spend a lot of mental energy on this sort of rumination. I simultaneously held the contradictory belief that one should make efforts to practice compassion - that everybody is the product of their genetics and environment, everybody started out as an innocent baby, free will is an illusion, we might be living in a simulation, and if somebody acts shitty to you, it's because life is a painful bitch and they're not emotionally intelligent enough to handle it, so they're taking their own pain out on you. I believe all this, and then fantasize about torturing people I haven't spoken to in 15 years. Kind of fucked up, but that's the truth.
Just the other day, I had a falling out with a business associate who's been a mentor in several ways to me over the last two years. He cussed me out and told me to pound sand. It's a long story. I was between a rock and a hard place and had to make a decision that was going to make somebody upset with me regardless. I chose him. I felt I acted correctly, explained this to him, and said I stand by my actions. After that, I thought, 'Oh well, one more to the shit list. Guess nobody likes motherfucking Goldie these days, huh? Oh well, fuck you world.' Same ol' shit.
I'm sitting in the sauna with a splitting headache the next day because I drank 3 bottles of brandy that night and my shit list is running out of fucking space dude. I'm just seething with resentment. It comes to me that not a day has gone by in a long time I haven't spent some time thinking how I'm going to get back at someone. I don't know what happened, because this cycle has gone on for a long time. But I guess my bucket overflowed. I had a moment of self-compassion joined with love for the world. I realized that I only have so much mental energy and I am spending it unproductively. I preach practicing gratitude and say three things I'm grateful for before I get up every morning. Then I walk around oozing hatred.
Well if you practiced what you preach, you'd realize humanity needs help and you're in a position to be a positive influence. And that can't be done if this is how you spend your energy. Furthermore, none of these people give a fuck about you. You're only hurting yourself. This is unhealthy. Have compassion for yourself and for the world, move forward, forgive; never forget, but do forgive, and do something positive. So I sat there and said aloud, 'I forgive you, sister. And all those other fucksticks too. You are all forgiven for your sins. I have grown powerful over the years and I no longer need to shield myself. I open myself up to the world and elect to substitute the hatred in my heart with love. I will continue to grow, but I will now try to give back and benefit the world.'
I remember sitting in some bullshit business class in high school and we had some guest speaker. He had us go around and say why we wanted to study business or finance or whatever. I don't really remember. All I remember is everyone said some shit like, 'I want to work at Goldman Sachs.' I said I wanted to create some sort of vehicle to impact the world in a way I deemed positive and I think it will take a lot of capital and I don't think I'm gifted in science, so I'm here. He was kind of just like, 'Ooookay, next?' And a bunch of kids snickered. Oh well. Fuck 'em. I didn't know how I was going to do that at the time. I still don't, but I'm starting to have a vague idea. It's still going to take a lot of capital.
The world faces a host of serious problems. I don't follow politics. Politics is gossip for people with no friends. I spend a lot of time learning about shit I find interesting. First off, cataclysms have happened before and will happen again. We need to diversify out of Earth. At the same time, we need to quit ruining the earth. We need to explore our past. We have no idea what is under the oceans, the Sahara, the Amazon, and a bunch of other spots. Because there's no money in figuring that out. Society is going through a largely self-inflicted health epidemic and it's barely being acknowledged. The life span is decreasing. But fuck the life span if you wanna talk about statistical manipulation. The health span is for sure decreasing rapidly. Mental health is worse than ever before. Fungi, life forms older than both plants and animals, have hardly been researched. I suspect they might be able to help save the world. They can eat oil, dude. Anyway, that's a whole separate thing. But my point is that there are real fucking issues humanity needs help with. And they're exciting. They're fun and stimulating. I want to work on that in some capacity, and I need all the mental energy I can get. Mind you, this is all very long game shit. I need to get properly wealthy in a conventional sense first before I can start deploying capital more judiciously. Although the mushroom farm is on the horizon. I'm working on that now.
My mom is turning 60 in 3 weeks and rented a lake house for 3 days. Her quasi-mobster brother is flying in from Ukraine. My sister and her husband and loud ass kids putting on performances or some shit will be there. My grandparents will be there to enlighten us about the glory of the former USSR. My soccer hooligan cousin will be there to take care of the chain smoking on everyone's behalf. My pothead brother and his pothead girlfriend will be there giggling smugly about some shit. I had told my mom I'm not coming a few months ago. It's been weighing on me ever since, but I decided I will never do anything I do not want to do. I've been living like that for a while and it's going great. I'd rather lose everything but live by my principals. Sitting in that sauna sweating out the small remainder of water left in my body - perhaps mild delirium had set in - but I had this attitude shift I'd never experienced before. I went for a walk when I got out and talked it through with my wife. I then called my mom and told her I'm coming to her thing. And I'm going to bring a fucking jar of doobies, mushrooms, video games, a pellet grill, bigass speakers, the fucking Nerf football that whistles, all that shit. Going to family events used to give me anxiety and put me in a terrible mood, so I stopped. But I'm excited to go to this thing. We're going to have a blast. I will make sure of it. Goldie now embraces his family - and the world - with open arms.