Have not dated in 3 years, 30 year old Male - Q&A

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6'4 Chad regional semi-target graduate, no debt, NYC/NJ metropolitan area residing. Some background (former entrepreneur) last 3 girlfriends ... one moved away 100 miles to sell real estate in the Hamptons. Another went to grad school in Australia and a third graduated college. Ever since then I had girls buy me drinks and the like but I don't know why I can't date nor hook up with women. 3 year dry spell. No hookers as not my thing. Am I a fool?

Comments (103)

 
Feb 5, 2020 - 2:21pm

VP in CorpStrat:

I find them amazing. Dua Lipa is like my fcuck, kill and marry woman. But when I used to work for myself for 3ish almost 4 years truth be told ... I had a hard problem approving of my work. It took one year of therapy to accept my work product as adequate. Call me a cuck you die.

What does your work problem and a celebrity chick you use in some game have to do with women who you may date/become friends with?

 
Feb 5, 2020 - 3:58pm

wait, are you saying that you want to fuck, marry and then kill dua lipa?

i'm not sure you fully understand that game...

Thank you for your interest in the 2020 Investment Banking Full-time Analyst Programme (London) at JPMorgan Chase. After a thorough review of your application, we regret to inform you that we are unable to move forward with your candidacy at this time.
 
Feb 5, 2020 - 2:10pm

OP is clearly not a Chad if hes still referencing his alma mater's status in an attempt to justify the longest dry spell since the dust bowl. OP my advice is pick up some fucking weights, stop letting girls buy you drinks, and muster up the courage to ask a girl if shes down to eat for free off your 2 for 1 Chilis coupon. Also, stop referring to yourself as a semi target Chad if you want to get anywhere with anyone who identifies as a human being.

 
Feb 5, 2020 - 1:48pm

VP in CorpStrat:

no debt

Maybe you don't emphasize that you are debt free enough? This should be the first thing that you tell girls.

I don't know... Yeah. Almost definitely yes.
 
Feb 5, 2020 - 1:58pm

I created an account to respond to this. Basically the same for me. Sounds like I'm bragging, but whatever, I'm attractive enough that its common for people to think I'm an actor. I live in nyc. In some ways dating is so easy for me, that I cant be bothered to do it. Or I date a girl and dump her because its too easy, and we dont really click. She just likes me bc I look good. Also 30, and for whatever reason havent had a real gf in years. I think nyc encourages it, theres so many options, always another one around the corner. Never any pressure, but time keeps on going on. If I dump a girl, I can find a clone of her in a few weeks. Ive had too many partners to not be a bit cynical.

 
  • VP in CorpStrat
Feb 5, 2020 - 2:21pm

I had a hard time getting over one of my exes. She's been on my mind, that's what therapy has been for. But ... my plan has been how to play in the "Carlyle circle". That is PE and government for about 5 months now even though badge says CorpStrat. I worked on some ish that put me at a Washington DC angle to rub elbows with some government and industry folks on some political matters that Partners find stimulating dare I say.

 
Most Helpful
Feb 5, 2020 - 2:18pm

https://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/how-do-you-signal-women-that-you…

^ some advice from a couple years back, still holds today

  1. are you in shape (meaning can you see your abs, do you have muscles, etc)? if not, get in shape
  2. how's your wardrobe? do your clothes fit well, or are your pants saggy, your shirts ballooning, and your shoes scuffed?
  3. how's your conversation? if you've managed to get 3 girlfriends, I can't imagine you're terrible at this, but you didn't say how long the relationships lasted. maybe you talk about yourself too much, you bring up taboo subjects too early, you're not inquisitive enough, I don't know

I imagine you have friends, so here's what I'd do since no one here will be able to: ask them what they think. what's keeping you out of the dating pool that you can change? maybe you have no idea that you wear too much cologne, maybe you have no idea that you're intimidating when you drink, I have no clue, but you need to find an honest friend (ideally female) to get a sanity check.

lastly, on the fact you've had a dry spell, why is that? is it the close itself you get rejected from? do you never ask? do you simply not get dates? do you not perform when the moment is close? are you packing a baseball bat down there and women are just afraid? answering that question will help you out. if it's the close itself, then you're asking too early, if you don't ask, well then you know what to change, if it's performance related you can fix that too.

 
Feb 5, 2020 - 2:27pm

Get chiseled/lean.

If you’re looking good and still not meeting chicks, you’re not placing yourself in enough situations with chicks, or are not approaching enough.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

 
Feb 5, 2020 - 5:23pm

Isaiah_53_5:

Get chiseled/lean.

When I was younger I was really into lifting heavy weights. I realized that the lean look is just much better and much easier to maintain. Swimming is my vice and I am vetting through BJJ places near me (which is difficult to sift through which ones are overpriced and overhyped and which ones are quality).

“The three most harmful addictions are heroin, carbohydrates, and a monthly salary.” - Nassim Taleb
 
Feb 5, 2020 - 6:00pm

Yeah swimming is great. I swam 5.2mi total so far this week - Mon (4,578yd) + Tue (4,597yd).

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

 
  • Intern in CorpFin
Feb 8, 2020 - 9:11pm

How'd you become happy with the lean look? I was a cross country runner for years. Very fit, abs, etc. But I was about as strong as a twig. I've been on a weight lifting binge the past year. Enjoy the strength but I agree, hard to maintain and it's debatable if you actually look any better or not. I've been dating the same girl throughout the entire process and she could give less of a shit about the muscle I've put on.

 
Feb 5, 2020 - 2:58pm

“Chad” “Semi-target” you sure you’re 30 ? In all seriousness you might just be coming off as immature to these women/ not interesting. Stop identifying with all this late teen/ early 20’s jargon. You’re a grown ass man, and I assume you’re not an ogre if women are buying you drinks. Get out of your head, get in shape, embark on some random interesting shit so you have things to talk about. Don’t even cling on to/ talk about your exes that’s some shit for backwards looking suckers.And make the fucking move at the end of the night. Win lose or draw keep pushing

 
Feb 5, 2020 - 5:18pm

Maybe you are not interested in the women that buy you drinks and what not. And only you truly deeply know that. You may want to hook up with them because society has told you to, but for whatever reason (not over ex, stress from work or other personal life stuff) may be blocking you and deep inside you have no desire to hook up with them. If a woman is really interested it's not hard. I mean one can screw up a lot and they will still keep coming back.

You could also be lord of Kingdom Friendzone (which happens to many of us). In which case you may have to change things up but will also realize the more different stuff you do, that this approach brings in women in other ways rather than at the bar or whatever.

In other words, it may be something internal and you aren't interested in a bunch of the women you meet. Maybe it's best to not even think about it. Others have said work out. Cool. Go travel. Get another hobby. Don't even worry about women. Just focus on learning and enjoying life and the rest will probably take care of itself if you are social enough. Ie you will be introduced to/meet women organically.

Good Luck

I used to do Asia-Pacific PE (kind of like FoF). Now I do something else but happy to try and answer questions on that stuff.
 
  • VP in CorpStrat
Feb 5, 2020 - 5:27pm

Thanks dude - speaking of that like I touched on above in a reply ^^^ ... I got in to some government related work / projects that are interesting outside the NYC finance realm of the city. They keep me busy but without a security clearance ... I get in my head a bit too much now.

I guess dating took a back seat being an entrepreneur as mentioned in my original post.

 
Feb 5, 2020 - 6:11pm

LMFAO left out the part where you're 250 pounds

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.
 
Feb 5, 2020 - 6:29pm

OP - Don't think you're a fool or anything, if anything, you sound more introverted above all else.

I think you're too concerned with finding some predetermined "match" in your mindset of the idealistic partner (women). The best way to improve your situation? Focus on what you're able to control -

  1. Hygiene.
  2. Clothes
  3. Workout - It helps to look fit and healthy.
  4. Stand up straight with a good posture.
  5. Make sure your ducks are in order (financially).
  6. Vocabulary - read, READ, READ. Also, have good ice breakers to start the conversation. Most of the time I start with something witty or funny, and it eases the tension.
  7. Go out and about - apps will only do so much. Join clubs, gyms, tours, travel.
  8. Tell the truth.

Lastly - 9. Do not stay in this shell you are in right now (for too long at least). It is not good for you both physically and mentally. If it weren't for my friends dragging me out to meet people, I'd been miserable and life would had turned out differently for me (a lot worse).

My social life improved dramatically meeting people at the local billiards hall, bars, and hikes/gyms in SoCal. We need friends, people, and the one person to talk to - lean on - and build a foundation when the time is right. Good luck.

No pain no game.
 
Feb 5, 2020 - 6:55pm

Not really WSO-relevant, but had to respond.
Recently a friend told me about a 30-year old guy who realized all his friends were getting married, so he booked a week's worth of nightly online dates. One of them turned into his fiance. He got focused and motivated.
So, it's really a question of motivation. Not like there are no single women out there for you to date, and regardless of size, sounds like women respond to you. If you want to date, you'll find someone to date/hookup, and if you're really not that into it for whatever reason, you're not finding someone. You do need to make some effort, tho -
As for celebrity crushes, by all means, crush away, but any woman regardless of appearance at some point is a "human" that you either can tolerate or not. Celebrities, the most glamorous and figure-perfect of all, seem incredibly prone to breakups and divorce, so beauty is not a very good predictor of compatibility. Not to discredit attraction, but it's merely a starting point.
Sure you could buff up, but I think women are far more accepting of a guy's appearance being less than perfect. Don't let that stop you.

 
Feb 5, 2020 - 9:21pm

Your self description was a tough read. You already have a ton of good advice, here's mine:

  • Make an effort to improve every day. Say yes to things you normally wouldn't do. Be social. Be active. Be positive.

  • Exercise will be massively beneficial physically and even more so mentally. 5 days a week minimum. Anything you want, just do it. (insert swoosh here)

  • Quit viewing yourself as a post grad. You're 30. You're still young AF. But you're not early mid or even late twenties anymore. Find other stuff that defines you. Major turnoff for girls (and people in general) when a guy holds his value in things that aren't relevant anymore. Pretty big red flag.

  • What does former entrepreneur even mean? Did you fail? Are you loaded from a big exit? Neither are great conversation angles when you first introduce yourself. Whatever the outcome was...take that experience for what it was and apply what you learned...be proud you did it but leave it in the past. Find other things that are important to you now.

  • I get a vibe that you are a decent guy but you're mentally hung up on something. Take everyone's advice and go to therapy. You'll be blown away by how people interact with you differently when you have good energy. Get yourself right. The rest will follow.

 
Feb 5, 2020 - 10:50pm

Nobody has roasted this guy for saying he lives in “NYC/NJ metropolitan area“? Just say you live in Jersey

Array
 
  • Analyst 1 in IB - Restr
Feb 5, 2020 - 10:58pm
  1. Hit a hook and get it out of your system
  2. Start getting in shape
  3. Get a puppy
  4. Download Hinge, Bumble, & Tinder and post profile pics w/ said puppy
Array
 
Feb 6, 2020 - 7:03am

MGTOW is a concept you should look into, in that at least it embraces that there's more than one social paradigm you can adopt, and it's entirely your call what to do socially, and you're not bound to any convention. For instance, I didn't see you say "hey I really want to be married but I'm not, what can I do about it?" You just threw out the idea that you're not dating, and somehow expect us all to magically know what you want, and how to get it. I mean, what is your objective? If you want to go on a bunch of dates, and just hook up, do that. Getting girls isn't that difficult. Are you looking to date? To find someone serious? Or just not feel like dating (which is fine, whatever). If you you're not in a hurry to date/get engaged/marry, then take your time. Your social status and dating value goes up over time, whereas female value declines over time. And nothing makes life worse than picking a bad woman. Vet them well. But if you're on a 3 year dry spell it's because you're choosing that, but whatever, it's your choice. Seriously, whatever man. Don't worry about social norms, make yourself happy. That's it.

 
  • Analyst 1 in IB - Gen
Feb 6, 2020 - 12:04pm

earthwalker7:

MGTOW is a concept you should look into, in that at least it embraces that there's more than one social paradigm you can adopt, and it's entirely your call what to do socially, and you're not bound to any convention. For instance, I didn't see you say "hey I really want to be married but I'm not, what can I do about it?" You just threw out the idea that you're not dating, and somehow expect us all to magically know what you want, and how to get it. I mean, what is your objective? If you want to go on a bunch of dates, and just hook up, do that. Getting girls isn't that difficult. Are you looking to date? To find someone serious? Or just not feel like dating (which is fine, whatever). If you you're not in a hurry to date/get engaged/marry, then take your time. Your social status and dating value goes up over time, whereas female value declines over time. And nothing makes life worse than picking a bad woman. Vet them well. But if you're on a 3 year dry spell it's because you're choosing that, but whatever, it's your choice. Seriously, whatever man. Don't worry about social norms, make yourself happy. That's it.

I agree. Women want you to smash the patriarchy all up in their guts, even though they like to pretend they hate it on the surface.

 
Feb 6, 2020 - 11:15am

Move to the Midwest and play down to your level. I'm married but hear its much easier here to pick up women than in NYC - especially if you're a consultant.

Array
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