Help a fellow monkey

Throwaway214's picture
Rank: Chimp | 15

Situation:

I recently started developing feelings for a friend of mine, but before asking her out and risking ruining our friendship, and maybe even some more considering that we are in the same group of friends, I am trying to better understand if there is a reciprocal interest.

Problem:

I had already decided, before developing feelings for her, to get her roses for Valentine. This year she is going to be single and I planned to get her flowers anonymously, hoping to cheer her up
.
I have now realized that, after the recent development, getting her flowers could be a problem for a bunch of reasons:

  • She might have a recent flirt and believe that roses are coming from that guy (which would hurt my eventual chances)
  • If somehow she understands that I got her the flowers the situation could get really akward, especially if she is not into me
  • Are flowers really going to make her smile or the potential frustration derived from not finding who sent her flowers outweights the benefits?

I know that this is not entirely appropriate for WSO, however I am trying to rationalize pros and cons and I am confident that I could you use your help.

Long story short:

Do I send the flowers or it will be a stupid move?

Bonus:

If you ever received flowers anonymously, or assuming that you will receive roses on Valentine, would you find it cute or creepy? (Assuming that you don't find out who sent them)

Comments (36)

Feb 10, 2019

Don't send the flowers unless you're planning on putting your name on them. Anonymous flowers are a bad move. However, if you decide you do in fact want to advance things with her, own up to the flowers and send them with pride.

    • 3
Feb 10, 2019

And what about if the interest is one sided? We share the same friends, wouldn't this lead to a quite akward situation?

I haven't seen her since late January, and I will not be able to see her until late February as I am out of town.

I really haven't paid attention in the past to eventual interest signs, and I am trying to understand if it's maybe better to wait before risking ruining our friendship.

What's your view on this?

Feb 10, 2019

I would tell you to wait a bit and take some time to decipher your feelings and hers. It's good to wait and make sure, but you don't want to wait too long if she's giving you obvious signs. Another thing to think about: harboring feelings and never telling her how you truly feel has potential to ruin your view of a person. You may think getting rejected will ruin your relationship, but that's not always the case. I know someone who very elaborately asked someone out, got (respectfully) rejected, and they still remain very close friends today, better than they were before the rejection.

    • 1
Feb 10, 2019

Thanks for your helpful comments

Feb 11, 2019

Ask her if she wants to smash.... If not why even bother being friends?
also @Sunshine Funshine is this you broski?

thots and prayers

    • 1
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Feb 11, 2019

I don't befriend people who send women flowers anonymously as an attempt to leave the friend zone. OP - regrets suck and in 5 years from now none of this will matter so just go for it and stop being a p*ssy

    • 3
Feb 11, 2019

good!
+1 respekt
+1 street cred

thots and prayers

Most Helpful
Feb 11, 2019

This is outrageously lame. Do not buy her anonymous flowers like an incel.

You need to figure out if you really do have feelings for her, because no matter what - good or bad - telling her is going to change and/or end your friendship. If that is worth the gamble, then be a man and tell her directly. If not, do not act like a creep

    • 16
Feb 11, 2019

Don't know if you're still in high school, in college, or post-college: it matters.

My take is if it's post-college - just bite the bullet and ask her out - or at least test the waters a little if you're afraid that it'll mess up your friendship. Don't send anonymous flowers - too many variables and (frankly) it's highly unlikely she'll think it's from you - knee jerk reaction is probably from the recent ex (per - she is recently single this year).

Feb 10, 2019

Post-college. I am not worried about ruining our friendship, I am just worried it might affect also the friendship with all the other friends of the group, and I really doubt I will risk without knowing that there is a slight probability that she might be interested (I am currently understanding if my chances must be greater than 10%, 20%, 50% ecc..)

Regarding the flowers I just wanted her to smile (last relationship >1 year and last known hook-up > 3 months, so really no worries) and I prefer to ask her out in person rather than sending her flowers.

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Feb 11, 2019

This sounds like something out a movie, and only worked in the movie bc its a movie.

I think you, the OP, get a good feeling from thinking about being in a relationship with this lady, but would rather soak in that feeling than risk actually asking her out. You don't need to send flowers, maybe call/send a text saying when you'll be in town and want to ask her.

Feb 10, 2019

The problem is not risking to ask her out, rather risking to have repercussions on our mutual friends as we often hang out together.

To add some more context she is very subtle and hardly shows interest for a person, and I know this very well because a mutual friend of us told me he was my shoes some time ago and he never figured out if she was interested or not, and decided not to take the risk.

Feb 11, 2019

My two cents as a female... unidentified gifts sent to one's home or one's place of work, they always seem well-received in movies or tv.

Truth of the matter is, in real life, gifts without knowledge of the sender are more often than not, unsettling to the recipient. You never know all the in's and out's of what's gone on in someone's romantic life and how they'll respond... will your gift, as innocent and well-intended as you might mean it to be [re: your cheering her up comment]... will it be perceived as invasive or inviting?

It would be very different if you already knew where she stood re: reciprocating your feelings. As others here have previously said, find out first how she feels and then make the appropriate move.

    • 1
Feb 10, 2019

Given the shared opinion I'll pass on flowers.

Yeah that's my goal but I don't know when and if I'll take a hint, she is very reserved and subtle in showing interest.

Feb 11, 2019

Don't do it. Echoing others and telling you to own up to your feelings. Ask her out if it's worth it. If not, RIP.

Feb 10, 2019

Thanks everyone for the help. Hearing your opinion was very important to me, as you provided solid advice. As my username suggests I will go back to my account, and will keep controbuting to this amazing community.

Feb 12, 2019

Don't overthink this. Send her the flowers and write a thoughtful note (but not too long that's creepy). The truth is that she either has some capacity feelings for you or you are clearly in the friend zone. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by trying.

    • 1
Feb 12, 2019

Even the flowers are lame. Don't send flowers to people unless you are confirmed to be in some form of relationship in (e.g., bring flowers on first date, etc.)

Just ask her out. If you want to be anything more than friends, there will always be risk. This is a finance forum, there is no reward without risk. What matters is how much risk are you personally willing to accept? If you feel that the potential for a relationship with this woman is worth the risk, then just be upfront and ask. If not, then don't.

Everything else is noise and makes you look less decisive and less confident.

Feb 10, 2019

Great advice. Regarding your view on flowers I believe that your opinion is based on your culture. US and Europe are quite different cultures when it comes to dating.

Feb 12, 2019

Holyshit this is some next level cringe.

Man the fuck up, stop being a beta cuck and ask her out. If she says no then fuck her friends. Do not ever buy flowers for a girl unless you are already fucking her, that shit is for lame romcoms.

    • 2
Feb 10, 2019

It's not about being alpha or beta, but being rationals or not. "Fuck the friends" it's not an option as I've known them long before her.

As I stated before the problem here it's not being rejected, but if anonymous flowers were appropriate or not, as I plan to talk to her about my feelings rathern than sending flowers with a card, and how to best deal with side effects.

Feb 11, 2019
takenotes08:

Holyshit this is some next level cringe.

Man the fuck up, stop being a beta cuck and ask her out. If she says no then fuck her friends. Do not ever buy flowers for a girl unless you are already fucking her, that shit is for lame romcoms.

Username checks out

thots and prayers

    • 1
Feb 12, 2019

Obviously it's a risk - but you want something different from status quo, so if that's worth the rejection then pass on flowers but own up to your feelings.

I can't be the only guy on this forum who's had a female friend need to explain to him that we're just friends. Yeah rejection sucks and it's awkward at first, but it's no big deal in the long run.

Feb 12, 2019

This post just gave me Low T

    • 4
Feb 12, 2019

I'm dead hahaha

Feb 12, 2019

Usually a friend going after a girl in the same friend group is pretty tricky because if she's not interested it makes things pretty weird for the group.. I kind of view it as a don't shit where you eat situation.. and if she hasn't shown much interest or if you haven't really made a great connection with her then this could backfire. However, if you don't see it as making things that weird then go for it. Got nothing to lose from just a no

Feb 12, 2019

Tell her how you feel. Best case, you guys give it a go. Worst case, the dead end friendship ends. You're in the money either way.

Not too high, not too low

Feb 12, 2019

Flowers are pretty mild, it's not as big of a deal as you think it's going to be.

Just send her flowers and make sure she knows they are from you and not anyone else. If she feels the same in any way you'll know by her response. If you guys are close friends I don't see how this could negatively harm your relationship. She's either gonna be reciprocative or she's just gonna tell you she appreciates it and that it was sweet. You can just leave it as is if the latter happens.. and continue being just friends.

And if she gets offended or weirded out by you simply getting her flowers be glad it happened now and just drop the dead friendship

"It is not our circumstance that controls us, but our thoughts that control our circumstance." -James Allen

    • 2
Feb 12, 2019

Give her the flowers anonymously and then hope her "flirt" takes responsibility for them. Call him out on his house of lies and expose him. Then say you got her the flowers to make her day better no implications. She will come around to you. This way you don't seem like you're into her and she will appreciate the gesture. Brownie points, man! You gotta start somewhere without an all out bold move.

    • 1
Funniest
Feb 12, 2019

wolf of wallstreet

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

    • 4
Feb 12, 2019

This is easy. If you like her, then ask her out. Then you'll know how she feels and you can move on one way or another. It really is that simple. Don't overthink it.

Feb 12, 2019

Carpe F*ckin diem! Do it, Own it, life is too short wondering if you could have or should have told her how you feel.

May the force be with you and Good luck!

    • 3
Feb 12, 2019

Mode 1

Work hard, work clean, & most of all do not give up.

Feb 13, 2019

You're overthinking. Just ask her out. If she says "yes", cool. If not, ask her sister out instead. See who gets who flowers then.

Also, who gives a shit about your mutual friends? It sounds like you have good intentions asking this girl out. Why would your "friends" turn their backs on you? There may be potential awkwardness at first, but that should subside eventually. Nothing more than water under-the-bridge.

Quite frankly, it may do you good to hang out with some straight guys, even the douchy type. If the girl doesn't like you back, then why would you want to stay friends anyway? So you can fetch her tampons and help her pick out her next bf? Don't treat her like a prick, but have some self-respect man!

Don't feel bad or offended, just some tough love. I'm no womanizer myself.

    • 1
Feb 13, 2019
Comment
Feb 13, 2019