How do you get over a heartbreak???

Hey Monkeys,

Don't mean to bring in negativity into this community but I'm seeking advice from y'all. My girlfriend of 5 years just broke up with me about a month and half ago and to say I'm utterly devastated is understatement. I feel like my world is shattered. I've known this girl since I was 15 and started dating around junior year of high school. We were both our first everything when it comes to love. Each-others first relationship and have both only been in this one relationship. We practically grew up together, same hometown, same friends, same hobbies, etc. Went from dating in high school to a strong long distance relationship for all of college.  Every single aspect of my life had her incorporated into it vice versa. I can't think of very many memories that don't have her included. All my major life events she was there for. Every accomplishment, every failure, every challenge, she was there. I had it cemented in my mind that we were going to be in it for the long haul. That nothing could break us apart. However that's sadly not the case. 

After both graduating in May, I moved to NYC for work and she moved to Seattle which is close to where she went to school. That's when things started feeling different. She moved to Seattle where a lot of her college friends and sorority sisters were located as well, while I moved to NYC where I practically knew no one and still don't know many people. I had a hard time adjusting and am still having a hard time adjusting while she had zero problems whatsoever with her transition. Everything that was a normal everyday routine, such as texting, calling, or snap-chatting started to fizzle out to the point where it bothered me a bit. I had brought it up a few times but things did not change. One morning I called her and asked her what was up. That led to an argument which ultimately ended in her saying that she couldn't give me what I wanted and that she can't be in the relationship anymore. A month had gone by with no contact and I reached out while we were both home for thanksgiving to discuss things. The conversation basically ended in her saying that we won't ever get back together.

So here I am at 22, severely heartbroken and devastated for the second time. I have let this heartbreak seep into other aspects of my life. It has negatively impacted my drive to do most everyday things like work, gym, and daily errands. Started seeing a therapist weekly however I can't seem to shake her from my mind. So I'm wondering if any of y'all have gone through something similar and what helped y'all along the way to get through it. Don't mean to be that guy just felt like I needed to air this out.

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Comments (30)

Dec 1, 2021 - 7:47pm

You were together for 5 years and have known her longer than that. It's only been a month and a half since you broke up. Don't feel like you need to move on that quickly. She was a big part of your life for a long time.  I have a feeling as you adjust to NYC and meet new people it'll become easier for you. You'll meet new people, have a great job and grow as a person. Ending up with a childhood/HS sweetheart is rare for a reason. You both seem to have changed a lot like people with different lives and that's okay don't force what isn't meant to be. Keep your head up, force yourself to keep healthy habits, and don't reach out to her again. Time heals all wounds.

Most Helpful
Dec 1, 2021 - 7:50pm

I am truly sorry to hear of your broken heart. I have had my share of them. I could tell you something trite like "O this to shall pass" or "In time your heart will heal" but lets face it... right now it simply sucks! There really is NO way around that.

Here is what I do know though. Everyone is different BUT most men tend to have an easier time getting over a broken heart. They tend to bounce back quicker.

When I would suffer a broken heart I would often times allow myself to lick my woonds for a couple days but if it were a big one I would let myself grieve if you will a bit long sometimes a week sometime two. I would however tell myself, life is to be lived and so you need to make sure you dust of your knees and get back out there. At first it might be just going out with your friends or taking time to smell the air and feel the sun on your face. The point is to get out and connect, either with you and invest time in things you once enjoyed or with friends.

I found that if I could focus on what was good about the relationship and the "we are great people just on great people for one another" much like you did it helped me a lot. I would try to focus my energy on remembering the good.

When you are ready ask yourself these questions:

1) What did I like about it and why?

2) What didn't I like about it and why?

3) What did I do great in the relationship that I def want to do in the future?

4) What happened in the relationship that I didn't like and how do I overcome that in the future?

5) What lessons have I learned how do I make them positive?

6) What was it about her that I really liked that I hope to have in a future relationship?

7) What didn't I like about her and how could I have seen it sooner to potential stop me from seeking a companion like that in the future? I am not saying with this one she is a bad person BUT there are things that as people we find compatible and not. Some of these things we don't discover till you are well into a relationship and if you had known from the beginning you might not have dated after all. You have the luxury of reflecting and pin pointing identifiers that you can use in the future with women.

When you combine all of these answers you end up having some closure. You have and organized way of reflecting which can sometimes help the emotional side heel. It will also help you further down the road but right now I am not going to get into that.

Our hearts are very special and unfortunately part of accepting love into our life and enjoying and experience all the gifts and joy that brings we also open the door to the pain and ache that it can bring. I personally believe, that even with the dark side of love and the risk that comes with it, the positive and reward of letting love into your life and letting someone become close to you is worth far more then and of the pain a broken heart gives. With each broken heart you have a choice, to become bitter and angry (and for a couple of day that is ok) or to recognize that although it sucks you have just been given an opportunity to grow into a better boyfriend or husband (if that is what you want) for that next special person or someday wife.

Array

  • 14
Dec 3, 2021 - 8:06pm

Excellent post. Love to see some well thought out, systematic emotional maturity from WSOers

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Dec 1, 2021 - 7:54pm

Go to the gym and get a revenge body. 

And move on. It will absolutely get better but will take time and it is ok if it takes longer than you expect. 

  • 1
Dec 1, 2021 - 7:57pm

I don't mean to be mean but what did you expect to happen? You were long-distance in college and long-distance after college. Literally living across the country from each other. How did you expect to make that work over the long term?

Dec 1, 2021 - 8:19pm

You're in NYC - enjoy it. 

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

  • 1
Dec 1, 2021 - 8:23pm

You're the alpha WSOer. Take this youngin under your wing for a night out. Do it and I'll throw you a SB for your effort.

Array

Dec 1, 2021 - 8:35pm

haha ok 

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

Dec 1, 2021 - 9:30pm

immerse yourself in your work and side hustles - have no idle moment - as an idle moment is when the pain will come back and hurt you. as long as you keep yourself distracted you will be okay. also realizing that women are simply a distraction from the grindset will free your mind.

Dec 1, 2021 - 10:27pm

WakeSurfSosa

Hey Monkeys,

Don't mean to bring in negativity into this community but I'm seeking advice from y'all. My girlfriend of 5 years just broke up with me about a month and half ago and to say I'm utterly devastated is understatement. I feel like my world is shattered. I've known this girl since I was 15 and started dating around junior year of high school. We were both our first everything when it comes to love. Each-others first relationship and have both only been in this one relationship. We practically grew up together, same hometown, same friends, same hobbies, etc. Went from dating in high school to a strong long distance relationship for all of college.  Every single aspect of my life had her incorporated into it vice versa. I can't think of very many memories that don't have her included. All my major life events she was there for. Every accomplishment, every failure, every challenge, she was there. I had it cemented in my mind that we were going to be in it for the long haul. That nothing could break us apart. However that's sadly not the case. 

I think we got a country song somewhere in this first paragraph.....jokes aside good luck man.

Dec 2, 2021 - 3:43pm

Cultivate some steel balls and move forward in life. It's that simple. The difference between men and women is that men feel accomplished in life when they reach their goals meanwhile women feel accomplished when they found love and have a family. Therefore, don't let a pussy control your life and be a man. At the end, all the problems and issues in life can be easily solved with a mind-shift. Start to see the situation from different angles which confirms that it's better that the relationship ended and see this as an opportunity to cultivate the manly values which you envision on your ideal self - such as not letting external things which are not in your direct control (relationships) affect your inner peace.

Burn bridges and move forward.

Dec 2, 2021 - 8:43pm

From your perspective, this is the worst thing that has happened to you. From an outsider perspective, this is the best thing that has happened to you. Let her go and forget about her. If she cannot value the most precious times of your life, then she will not value anything. If you would've stayed with her, she would have divorced you eventually. At least she ended it now. 

Dec 3, 2021 - 12:32am

She moved with her college and sorority friends. Bro I promise you she is busy getting fucked by other dudes or having the time of her life with her friends (or both). 
 

Honestly, just go fuck some bitches. And of course focus on furthering your career. You were together for 5 years and she dumped you like that? I get it, it was long distance. But 5 years, that should tell you everything you need to know. 
 

p.s. don't you ever take her back

Dec 3, 2021 - 6:19pm

A man's value increases as he ages (he becomes wealthier), A woman values decreases as she ages (her beauty fades). 

I'm in my late 20s now and I've been in your situation several times. If you continue to work hard, earn well, and stay in shape, you will have plenty of dating options as you get older. I'm dating a beautiful and loving woman right now who is 20 and couldn't be happier. 

What you're experiencing right now sucks in the moment. I guarantee you this - karma comes back. The girl who dumped me years ago isn't happy in her current relationship and has tried to come back many times. Will never take her back. 

The biggest mistake I did was waiting nearly a year before I started dating again. The only way you are going to move on is to start dating other people and working on yourself. 

On the flip side, there are so many guys around your age (and even in my age) who've not even experienced a relationship (or never had sex!). Be happy you had some hot consistent sex when you were young. 

If you believe that your life is under your own control, you will recover from this quickly and realize that she is the one who lost, not you. 

Array

  • 3
Dec 3, 2021 - 8:05pm

I had a hard time adjusting and am still having a hard time adjusting while she had zero problems whatsoever with her transition.

I think other people are giving you good advice so just wanted to point this out.

Is there is a possibility that you were sort of being dependent on her for happiness? It could be as simple as complaining about your life everyday and saying that she's the only one that makes you happy / you miss her and wish you were just with her.

It's okay for a few weeks and if you did this she might have replied with encouraging messages at first, but in the long run it puts alot of pressure on someone and makes them feel responsible for something out of their control.

In addition to getting over the relationship you also need to make a decision about your NYC move, which is possibly the underlying driver of all of this

  • 2
Dec 3, 2021 - 8:06pm

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