How hard should a parent work for their child?

Not trying to sound like an arrogant asshole who believes that the world owes him everything, but how hard do you think a parent should try to provide for their child?

Some background: My father makes about 65k post taxes in a medium COL suburb with a housewife. Hours can vary (30-50), but typical "lazy" boomer often just sleeping and eating whenever he was home. Leading up to going off to college, he's "stolen" about 30k from me and siblings from both joint bank accounts and gifts from family, meaning that I am likely going to have to take out significant loans for school. He's pretty bad with money overall and has gotten significant handouts from my mother's side of the family. I'm not trying to turn this into some Reddit post, but coming from this situation has really given me a "unique" outlook on life where I think I would be willing to work 100 hour weeks if it meant that my children never had to worry about money and could just relax for at least the first 22 years of their life. I know how unrealistic this might be, but I can think of how happy it would make me if I was able to buy them their first house. At times, I've felt resentful of my father for not working enough hours in order to make more money so that we didn't have to struggle, but I'm also contradicting myself because I truly believe that one is not owed anything by the world.

To the posters of WSO: Do you ever feel like your parents should have worked harder to provide you a better life, or do you feel that you must make a certain amount of money in order to give your kids the best life possible? Has anyone ever felt like their parents worked too hard for money and missed out on other family events?

 

IMO anyone not busting their ass to make sure their kids have better opportunities than they did growing up is a total piece of shit or incredibly stupid.

Current situation is a good example. Some douchebag working 40 hours a week without substantial savings now has their kid's quality of life @ risk because they are a lazy PoS. Not fair to the kids at all...

 

I can offer a different perspective. My family moved me here when I was a kid from another country, so I already owe them that. They took me out of a developing country and bought me into a 1st world country. However, they thought they were here temporarily. They ended up staying permanently and trying to create a life for me here. After taxes, we make about 100k in a central Jersey suburb. Never felt uncomfortable growing up, and I've had a very secure childhood where I got most materialistic things that I wanted (within reason). At the same time, there's bigger things that I want. I'm on this website as a prospect, so obviously, I dream of making the big bucks. To optimize my chances, I realized I need to pay the big bucks for an expensive college. I talked to my dad and he had enough to send me to our flagship state school (Rutgers). I'm very fortunate for all the things I've gotten, and I'm eternally grateful, but as a parent, I would do things differently. I would realize that there's a lot my kids might want and I would be ready. As long as they didn't want to major in some stupid shit like gender studies, I would want to be able to pay their tuition in full at an expensive university so they spend their nights in high school worrying about how to get in, not how to pay for it. I would want to have important conversations because they will be minorities just like me, but I don't want them to face racism like I did. I never got comfortable having conversations about race with my family, so I've internalized a lot of my emotions from racist experiences and that's probably not good for me. I never want them to go through that. I've been pushed to go into a STEM-related career from an incredibly young age, and my parents aren't exactly proud of me for wanting to do finance (keep in mind that my dad is a VP in software engineering for a mid-tier BB and that finance is pretty risk-averse). As long as it's reasonable, I want to be able to support them going into a lot of different careers that they want to do.

OP, to answer your question, I would say every generation should work harder than the last for their kids. My parents worked harder for my sister and I than their parents worked for them. My sister and I will work harder for our kids than our parents work for us, but we'll still have shortcomings. Our children will likely work harder than we will to raise their children. It's an endless cycle that really demonstrates the level of love and sacrifice that parents will make for their children.

 

SWE VP at a big bank only gets 100k after taxes?  Are you sure about that?  That is way lower than expected imo.

 

You can definitely be a bsd and be a supportive and caring parent to your kids. Obviously it's going to be harder, you won't be dropping them off or picking them up after school and plans will get cancelled but Imo it's worth to go all in and retire when you're 55 with $10-$20 MM so you can make sure that future generations will understand your sacrifice and continue to build the empire you laid the blueprint for.

 

Truthfully I find it a little more disturbing that he's just straight up stealing from you and your siblings. My parents didn't make enough money to send me to college but I don't fault them for it. They definitely worked their ass of to get me ACT training etc. to ensure I got some scholarships. They would've never taken money from me though. That's pretty disgusting. But I do hope that I will be able to send my kids off to school on my dime and give them an easier time than I had.

 
Most Helpful

allow me to state the obvious - even in the most optimistic of scenarios where your dad suddenly changes his ways and gets a great job, you will likely still be in the situation where you have to take loans. furthermore, future actions will not undo the sins of the past, so make your peace with them, and move onto what you can do within your own life.

based on what I've seen in PWM, giving your kids money never turns out well if you're doing it to give them a good life. what I've seen work really well is parents that are solely focused on getting their kids the best education possible, but with ongoing and frequent discussions about what they're going to do with their lives. there's no finding yourself, majoring in art, or fucking around and getting bad grades here. the parents that had it tough themselves and want to make it easy on their kids usually end up with kids that act like your father.

the saying weak men make hard times, hard times make good men, good men make good times, good times make weak men can translate to this topic as well. the richest self made people I know all struggled. struggle is what makes people great, so if you remove that struggle, you're putting a governor on their potential growth. absolutely, give your kids a good life. send them to good schools, take them around the world, plan ahead so that you have options. but whatever you do, DO NOT REMOVE THE STRUGGLE. rather than buying your kids a $500k house when they graduate, give them an inter family loan with a low interest rate, give them matching contributions on savings that they do, stuff like that. your kids should not relax for their first 22 years of life, they should feel loved, safe, and nurtured, but they should struggle. they should be stretched academically, athletically, and have to work. if you do not do this, you will be cloning your father accidentally.

 
thebrofessor:
based on what I've seen in PWM, giving your kids money never turns out well if you're doing it to give them a good life. what I've seen work really well is parents that are solely focused on getting their kids the best education possible, but with ongoing and frequent discussions about what they're going to do with their lives. there's no finding yourself, majoring in art, or fucking around and getting bad grades here. the parents that had it tough themselves and want to make it easy on their kids usually end up with kids that act like your father.

Amen.

I plan on paying for my children's education, because I've personally experienced the awfulness of student debt, but life? Life they have to figure out on their own with the understanding that I'll be there for guidance, not salvation.

Commercial Real Estate Developer
 

This Be The Verse BY PHILIP LARKIN

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself.

 

i feel like you should take some ownership of your life you self-entitled little shitbag holy fuck what a joke of a human you are huh?

heister: Look at all these wannabe richies hating on an expensive salad. https://arthuxtable.com/
 

You should go easier on your dad, maybe he's not the most motivated but maybe he did his best, or maybe he just didn't have the right opportunities and so became unmotivated. You should be thankful you weren't born to worse circumstances. 65K after taxes? That's nothing special but but have some perspective...

 

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