USC frat email goes viral

jj1188's picture
Rank: Senior Chimp | 22

I'm a brother at a fellow PAC-10 school up north (losing our housing next year, but I'm out so whatever), and we just got forwarded this letter. Apparently, it hit the web a couple of days ago, but Finals is keeping me busy.

Tucker Max: raising a new breed of gentleman.

http://dailytrojan.com/2011/03/08/kappa-sigma-nati...

The actual letter

WARNING: This is long.

To the Distinguished Gentlemen of the Kappa Sigma Fraternity:

As I have mentioned I will be starting a weekly Gullet Report. In response to the Soft Report, I felt it necessary to offer a contrasting and more uplifting telegram. My theories and practices are elaborated in more detail in the body of this email.

Please send me all of your hook-ups in Tucker Max format (for those unfamiliar with this legend, google will suffice). These renditions should be elaborate and interesting. I want raw data on who fucks and who doesn't. In conclusion the gullet report will strengthen brotherhood and help pin-point sorostitiutes more inclined to put-out. From my experience when a female goes Ksig shes typically repeats.

For your entertainment read on and pause for note taking. My hope is that ALL of our brothers will follow this creed with pride and distinction.

I have come to write this memo to you today to educate on the only life worth living, that of a Cocksman. A Cocksman is taught to live by the two most applicable principles I know: The Pie and the Gullet. You may already be lost in trying to comprehend this logic. Do not worry this is completely understandable. By the end of this memo, you will not only gain a greater understanding of what it means to live, but you will have embraced a lifestyle. However, in order for this to happen you first must know a couple key terms.

Note: I will refer to females as "targets". They aren't actual people like us men. Consequently, giving them a certain name or distinction is pointless.

Pie: A target's vagina. Some of you may have heard phrases such as, twat, cooter, muff, snatch, poontang, cock pocket, DNA dumpster, fun hatch, cock sock, the fish flap, spunk-pot, whisker biscuit, or the rarely used, wizard's sleeve. All these terms are interchangeable and fine to use. However, for the purpose of this memo, I will refer to a target's vagina as pie.

Gullet: Usually refers to a target's mouth and throat. Most often pertains to a target's throat capacity and it's ability to gobble cock. If a target is known to have a good gullet, it can deep-throat dick extremely well. My advice is to seek out this target early in the night. Good Gullet Girls (GGG) are always scooped up well before last call.

Grip: Refers to the tightness of a target's pie. If a target is said to have good grip, your cock probably feels like it's in a vice when you are deep inside it. If a target is said to have great grip, your cock probably feels like it got caught in a Chinese finger trap. Gentlemen, don't let a target like that get away from you. Avoid the pie's that are extremely meaty and resemble a cold cut combo from Subway. More often then not, if a target's pie looks like a bag of roast beef on the outside, it's probably a Cleveland Sideslapper.

Cleveland Sideslapper: An extremely loose pie. The target's pie has become so loose because of overusage, the lips of the pie flap and slap it's inner thigh as it walks.

Pie-Getters: A man that is possessed with getting his nut off. He exists solely to spread his seed in any pie that will have him.

R.D.A (Raw Dog Assassin): A man that refuses to wear condoms because no feeling on earth can compare to a warm piece of pie coming in contact with your cock. Let's be honest, if it isn't raw it isn't real. Drawbacks of this philosophy are that you may have to visit the clinic more often than not, but a quick penicillin shot really isn't that bad (trust me).

Loop n' Doop: A target that is very easy to take down. All she takes is a good amount of liquor (loop) and she will be good to go for you to fuck her (doop). Be careful with loop n' doops, because too much loop and they will get sick and be useless entities.

Guap n' Drop: A target that is extremely difficult to take down. She probably doesn't drink very much and she probably has a high socioeconomic status. Simple tactics wont impress her. It will take a good amount of effort and time to crack these. You are going to have to open up the wallet (guap) and spend (drop) a good amount on her to finally get to the pie. Better hope it has great grip for all your diligent work.

Defending the Gullet Report:
You may feel this is an unnecessary initiative. Gentlemen, you could not be more wrong. Gullet Reports only exist to help pie-getters get their nut more. It gives them the knowledge so they can operate as an efficient, calculated assassin. It also exists to call out the pie-getters who may fabricate stories sometimes or tend to exaggerate their sexual encounters. You all know who you are, and should be ashamed of your actions. There is nothing wrong with having a fatty on your record.

Also, sometimes targets that look like a Mack truck ran over their face have the greatest bodies and some outstanding grip. He who is without sin can cast the first stone, but he does not exist. Having a bad mark on your resume is a slight drawback of being a dedicated nut-getter. Shit happens. But own up to your disgrace, as you will only make the situation worse if you don't take credit for dicking-down scum.

By now I assume some of you are wondering what constitutes a bad mark on your resume. To simplify the matter, I have come up with a rating system so strict that most of you will cringe when you actually figure out what your lifetime average really is. This scale was created because a friend of mine went on a spring break trip and came back claiming he fucked a 9. His defense was "she had to be a 9 man. She was the hottest girl I ever fucked." That was when my friend and I decided to institute an absolute ranking system that could be universally used and implemented.

The scale is a simple 1-10 ranking system, with outliers existing up to a -5. Anything worse than that and I suggest you go find the nearest cliff and end your sorry putz existence. You don't deserve to use your cock anymore and you don't deserve to live your life. Moving on, I am sorry to break it to you but no one in our fraternity has ever fucked a 10. Probably only a handful have put down a 7. Society has inflated your perception and lowered your standards. My scale is absolute. It takes nothing else into account but pure physical beauty. Anything you can see with your eyes is fair game, however, a target does not get a higher ranking if it has "great grip" or a "great gullet." How many times have you seen some sorry sap trying to justify fucking a poor piece of pie by saying "dude she gives great head" or "her pussy is so tight!" Many fatties and uglies do have great gullets and are particularly good at sex. They have to be more dedicated to their craft because no one would talk to them otherwise. Likewise, a target does not receive a reduced ranking if you get down to the pie and it resembles a slaughterhouse. It's unfortunate, but poor qualities like that do not lower her physical beauty.

I would now like to take the time to explain the rating system in detail. I will not cover negatives because when you are trying to decide whether a target is a -3 or -2 that's just sad for mankind. Moreover, since I do not personally know you I cannot be the judge of what pie you have fucked. I will offerer my guidance upon request because I consider my self a pie-getting veteran. My judgment is sound and I promise to give you my unbiased opinion. Seek my council in ranking a target, as initially this will be a difficult challenge for you.

To accumulate your lifetime average, have all the pies you have fucked verified by a brother who is also subject to these gullet reporting regulations. Then add up their ranks and divide by how many pies you have fucked. A good score is right around a 5.

To accumulate your "filth rating," add up all the pieces of pie you have fucked that are a 3 or below and divide by how many pies you have fucked. Make this a percentage. For example, my filth rating is at 12%, but I have exceeded 50 pieces of pie. Not bad.

10- The likes of Marissa Miller and Megan Fox. No one will ever get this.
9- If any of you are lucky to get so close to perfection, feel blessed. If you fuck this up, you should be lynched. This is your ceiling.
8- See #7
7-Wife Status. Be careful not to fuck this up.
6-Date Status. Be careful when you cheat, but still cheat
5-Apply the 5x5 rule. Toot it 5 times, and then boot it. Move onto the next piece of pie.
4-One night stands, but they are fairly attractive. Should not be repeats.
3-The filth cut-off. These are not attractive women, but sadly many of you have fucked these.
2-Still filth. Still Pathetic.
1-Anything this close to 0 is bad. You better be 3 four lokos deep to justify this abomination
0-Let me just say from experience, when calculating your lifetime pie accumulation, throwing a 0 in the mix really hurts the average.

Additional Rules for a Cocksman

1.) Non-consent and rape are two different things. There is a fine line, so make sure not to cross it.
2.) A target should maintain the hair around her pie. It's a matter of respect. Maintenance is preferred (I prefer pie that has been lasered increasing the aesthetics and feel).
3.) Do your research and find out what is a loop n' doop target and what is a guap n' drop target. Keep yourself busy by fucking loop n' doops while working on a guap n' drop on the side. It only makes perfect sense.
4.) When utilizing the loop power of 4 Lokos, be careful. A target on one 4 Loko is putting the odds in your favor of getting some pie. A target on two 4 Lokos is going to get sick and pass out. A target on three 4 Lokos leads to instances of litigation and lawsuits. Terms like "sexual assault" seem to be used in this case.

Pie Code

A pie code is essential to have so pie-getters can have a conversation in front of targets while talking about them and deciding which one to make a move on. The following references:

Blackberry: A black target
Blueberry Pie: half-black/half-white
Pumpkin Pie: A latin/mexican target
Pecan Pie: half-white/half-latin
Strawberry Pie: white target
Cherry pie: A young white target
Lemon Meringue: Asian target

Note: If you are so lucky to encounter a perfect piece of pie. I mean the grip is out of this world, it doesn't look like hair ever existed in the region, and it tastes like strawberry shortcake, then you are allowed to refer to the pie as creme brulee. It must hit the tri-fecta to be considered for this great and honorable distinction.

*Don't fuck middle-eastern targets. Exhibit some patriotism and have some pride. You want your cock smelling like falafel? Filth.

Do not recreate this email. This is for Kappa Sigmas. I will track you down and take your soul if you transmit this email to anyone outside our brotherhood.

- NAME/RIDICULOUS NICKNAMES REDACTED

Region: 
United States - Midwest
United States - West

Comments (41)

Mar 12, 2011

LOL! Patrick Bateman is there too!

Mar 12, 2011
jj1188:

0-Let me just say from experience, when calculating your lifetime pie accumulation, throwing a 0 in the mix really hurts the average.

Obviously, the author is not a math major.

Mar 15, 2011
Chicago12345:
jj1188:

0-Let me just say from experience, when calculating your lifetime pie accumulation, throwing a 0 in the mix really hurts the average.

Obviously, the author is not a math major.

... if you have fucked 10 chicks who are all 6's you have a 6 average... add a 0 and now you have a 5.45 avg... please explain your logic?

Mar 12, 2011

From now on when anyone tells me they are from a non-target, I will assume they are a busted chick

Mar 12, 2011

"Non-consent and rape are two different things. There is a fine line, so make sure not to cross it."

can somebody explain?

If your dreams don't scare you, then they are not big enough.

"There are two types of people in this world: People who say they pee in the shower, and dirty fucking liars."-Louis C.K.

Mar 12, 2011
scottj19x89:

"Non-consent and rape are two different things. There is a fine line, so make sure not to cross it."

can somebody explain?

He is stating that if they do not say "No." then it is an assumed "Yes." which is 100% false and will not hold up in court.

The quote about not fucking middle eastern targets had me rolling.

What a jackass/hero.

I think that we are all clinging to a great many piano tops...

Mar 12, 2011
ekimlacks:
scottj19x89:

"Non-consent and rape are two different things. There is a fine line, so make sure not to cross it."

can somebody explain?

He is stating that if they do not say "No." then it is an assumed "Yes." which is 100% false and will not hold up in court.

The quote about not fucking middle eastern targets had me rolling.

What a jackass/hero.

The other possible meaning of this is a no after 4 drinks doesnt mean its gonna be a no after 7.

Follow the shit your fellow monkeys say @shitWSOsays

Life is hard, it's even harder when you're stupid - John Wayne

Mar 12, 2011
ekimlacks:
scottj19x89:

"Non-consent and rape are two different things. There is a fine line, so make sure not to cross it."

can somebody explain?

He is stating that if they do not say "No." then it is an assumed "Yes." which is 100% false and will not hold up in court.

The quote about not fucking middle eastern targets had me rolling.

What a jackass/hero.

why throw shit, he is correct.

"Consent
In any allegation of rape, the absence of consent to sexual intercourse on the part of the victim is critical. Consent need not be expressed, and may be implied from the context and from the relationship of the parties, but the absence of objection does not of itself constitute consent."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape

More is good, all is better

Mar 12, 2011

Very disturbing.but not surprising.

"The American father is never seen in London. He passes his life entirely in Wall Street and communicates with his family once a month by means of a telegram in cipher." - Oscar Wilde

Mar 12, 2011

It really isn't that big of a deal... If you really think this e-mail is advocating rape you're seriously out of your mind. They're just having a good time that's all. Boys will be boys. I thought this e-mail was funny as hell.

And I agree with Ant: the kid that leaked this needs to be exposed.

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Mar 12, 2011
leveragedbanker:

It really isn't that big of a deal... If you really think this e-mail is advocating rape you're seriously out of your mind. They're just having a good time that's all. Boys will be boys. I thought this e-mail was funny as hell.

And I agree with Ant: the kid that leaked this needs to be exposed.

I can see the humor in it obviously, but did you actually read the whole thing? Its hardly surprising that even other frat guys would think it seriously crossed a line.

Mar 12, 2011

Ehhh I'm a Kappa Sig myself and we sent out a lot of not so nice emails I wouldn't exactly want floating around on the internet, but it's hardly a reason to lynch the kid.

Mar 12, 2011

Pretty funny, although I get the feeling I read something very similar somewhere before.

Men are so simple and so much inclined to obey immediate needs that a deceiver will never lack victims for his deceptions.

-Niccolo Machiavelli

Mar 12, 2011

"Don't fuck middle-eastern targets. Exhibit some patriotism and have some pride. You want your cock smelling like falafel? Filth."

There are no laws against having these types of opinions. Heck, maybe he was joking... but then again their are no middle-eastern names on the members page of the USC Kappa Sig website. Whatever, now this information is out and his name is forever connected to it.

You want to talk about "pussification"? This guy sends an email advocating rape and calling Middle-Eastern Americans filth and he wants it to stay anonymous? I think the guy who leaked this just gave the author the opportunity to be a real man... now he can now uphold his noble ideals in public.

Money Never Sleeps? More like Money Never SUCKS amirite?!?!?!?

Mar 12, 2011

I thought the email was fucking genius. period.

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Mar 12, 2011

Dont act like this kid is gonna get hassled for this, if anything he will more than likely get a book deal or something.

Follow the shit your fellow monkeys say @shitWSOsays

Life is hard, it's even harder when you're stupid - John Wayne

Mar 12, 2011

It's pretty sad if an actual brother of the fraternity is the one that leaked the email.

Mar 12, 2011

Typical frat stuff. Dude's a dumbass for sending it thinking that it wouldn't get leaked.

Mar 12, 2011

The email is whatever. I do not have an issue with it. I however would have never written it.

The guy should have been smart enough to know that something like that if seen by a feminazi type would lead you to some hot water. At least the fraternity should have been smarter then this and not allowed him to write this BS because of the likely consequences if it got out.

Letter is not bad. Guy is a dumbass for writing it knowing frats are always under the microscope and with the PC world that it is it would be a shit storm.

Funny PC bullshit happened to my university this year... our two star basketball players were suspended for the season because of some girl's feminazi friend. The girl went back with the two guys, had sex with one of them (put condom on, s'd his dick, all good). The other player walked in and saw them doing it, walked out. The other roommate walked in on them and took over after the first guy was done.

She walked out of the place fine, texted her friend and her friend convinced her to call the police cause she was 'raped'. Cops called BS and did not charge the guys. The womans rights group made a huge deal about it and they went to the board and got the two dudes suspended from school and the team for the year. Missed the NCAA turny cause of the BS feminazi women

Mar 12, 2011

There is no such thing as "private" email. Don't e-mail shit you can't afford to have leaked out.

Mar 12, 2011

There is nothing frat about USC, the state of california, or the PAC-10.

Mar 13, 2011

mmm i can sure go for some Lemon Meringue pie with lots of grip!

Mar 13, 2011

damn
whoever leaked this should be lynched

1 rule in a fraternity, do not share secrets

Mar 13, 2011

Who doesn't read that letter with a grain of salt is an idiot.

We have all been (or still are) stupid university students who have said things we regret. Get over it.

Mar 13, 2011

Dear American college students,
I hope - and I think to know - that the situation described is not sincere - otherwise, I would vouch for a trend in a new direction:
Integrity.

Mar 13, 2011

1.) Non-consent and rape are two different things. There is a fine line, so make sure not to cross it.

No they aren't. Consent needs to be clearly given and verbalized. Women in previous decades were instructed to not fight their "attacker" if they felt threatened. Better to give in and stay alive than fight and piss them off to the point of you getting severely hurt or killed. But when that gets taken to court women are blamed for not speaking up in said situation. (Victim-blaming). And before any of you go running off about women need to speak up just remember that women are almost always at a very clear physical disadvantage and know that the guy they are with can easily take them out. Not to mention the women that become paralyzed with fear.

Boys will be boys... maybe but I guess that''s why I only have love for men.

Mar 13, 2011

that was a funny read

Mar 15, 2011

relax guys, it was obviously a hilarious read...sucks that it got leaked though. sucks to be that guy

Mar 15, 2011

The problem with non consent is it is essentially an, after the fact excuse. For example you have sex, she obviously enjoys it, then the next day she feels guilty about it and to escape her guilt she says you raped her. How is that right? Or the "victim" in situations like this are usually never the ones who have a problem with it is there friends who think that they were taken advantage of.

Follow the shit your fellow monkeys say @shitWSOsays

Life is hard, it's even harder when you're stupid - John Wayne

Mar 17, 2011
heister:

The problem with non consent is it is essentially an, after the fact excuse. For example you have sex, she obviously enjoys it, then the next day she feels guilty about it and to escape her guilt she says you raped her. How is that right? Or the "victim" in situations like this are usually never the ones who have a problem with it is there friends who think that they were taken advantage of.

Get verbal consent. Problem solved. Men have to protect themselves just as much as women in these cases. It is what it is.

Apr 8, 2012
heister:

The problem with non consent is it is essentially an, after the fact excuse. For example you have sex, she obviously enjoys it, then the next day she feels guilty about it and to escape her guilt she says you raped her. How is that right? Or the "victim" in situations like this are usually never the ones who have a problem with it is there friends who think that they were taken advantage of.

you are a fucking idiot if you think that is what happens in most rape cases.

Mar 16, 2011

heister, sounds like you have a lot of experience with situations like that.

More is good, all is better

Apr 6, 2011

lol she obviously enjoys it.... that is something a dbag finance kid who only gets laid by his hand would say

Apr 6, 2011

Wow, this really did go viral...I got over a dozen emails in regards to this, saw it on the 11 o'clock news, and now here.

What's funny is that Kappa Sigma was the "nice guy frat" when I was at USC. This email is pretty polite in contrast to what we used to discuss about women in our Monday night meetings.

man made the money, money never made the man

Apr 6, 2011

Guy writes this letter and gets shit on.

Girl makes this: http://www.spotery.com/bryan/story/33053 and gets a book deal. Hahaha.

http://deadspin.com/#!5653266/duke-fuck-list-autho...

Apr 6, 2011

^^^Only in America...would shit like this go down. Palin's daughter and Snooki are doing well for themselves, too.

man made the money, money never made the man

Apr 8, 2012

any of you who think this email is "awesome" or "funny" or that the writer is a "hero" and not a rapist is a fucking chauvinistic pathetic pig and coward. any of you who think that someone who speaks out against rape is a "feminazi" is a waste of space on this earth. if you have so much trouble getting laid that you resort to rules like this to run your sex life, you should just chop your dick off now.

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Apr 8, 2012

^great troll account bro! keep it up

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Apr 9, 2012
Comment
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Apr 9, 2012