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It’s midsummer in the city and the vaunted investment banking group outings are upon us. It’s time to loosen the cravat and enjoy the smell of steamy, urine-coated Manhattan concrete while kicking back a few with your fellow indentured servants. Whether you’re lucky enough to be invited to the group head’s Hamptons retreat or you’re slumming it at a roped-off section of the Ace Hotel Lobby Bar, one thing’s for sure: you’re getting after it at the summer party. But what does your libation say about you? See if these quintessential banker quaffs fit the personalities of people you may know:

    The Bud Light
    Congratulations, you’ve realized early on that banking is like a frat house with more computers and fewer girls. The Bud Light guy is focused on Drinkability – that is, slamming as many beers as possible before heading out to get his fist-pump on at Joshua Tree with his sweet college bros. On the weekends, you’re rolling into the office with mesh shorts and a curled, frayed-brim UNC cap. “Let’s order Lenny’s. So hungover, bro. So hungover.” Keep it real, big guy.

    The Stella Artois
    You’re a papercut above Heineken but for some reason you just can’t quit the distinct piss flavor of this vaguely European lager with a faux-import feel. The Stella guy appears more reserved and polished than the Bud Light guy, but peel back the shitty paper seal and they’re basically the same. The only difference is the Stella guy is likely to be found talking up his “amazing” abroad experience in Barcelona and rattling off the list of obscure German beers he tried at Oktoberfest. There’s an air of douche about this guy but he’s not necessarily obnoxious – just a little clueless. Someone should gently remind him that green bottles are for Sprite.

    The Jack & Coke
    Similar to the Bud Light but more dedicated to the cause of getting fucked up. Similar to the Gin & Tonic girl, the Jack & Coke guy is guaranteed to be hammered before it’s appropriate, and will likely be found in K-Town later that night, arm draped over a buddy and stumbling into the nearest karaoke joint. The Jack & Coke guy is a fun time to be around, but tends to be a bit of a mess and is a 50/50 risk to boot all over the back seat of a cab before the night’s over. You probably won’t be able to keep up with him, and you probably don’t want to.

    The Dry Martini
    The Martini guy is your classic office snob. He is usually being made fun of right to his face but is completely oblivious to it, because he is convinced he is a simply above everyone else. Martini guy drops the words “elegant” and “sophisticated” like he’s writing an article for Bazaar. You don’t want to hang out with this cufflinked creep – he spent the last few months taking notes on Mad Men and he’ll be off to Pegu Club later this evening to hit on women his mother’s age.

    The Tequila Shots
    One thing describes the Tequila Shots guy: confident. As in, confident that he is getting fired soon, or confident that he is untouchable. Either way, he knows that getting completely shitcanned with coworkers is no problemo. Tequila Shots guy is down to get rowdy and his chaotic approach to the New York scene always makes for an interesting night out. This is the guy everyone wants to hang out with. He’s a complete mess and is wildly entertaining every step of the way. If you end up going out drinking with this guy, don’t go alone, or you may wake up the next morning and have no recollection of doing this:

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Comments (53)

  • kidflash's picture

    Jack and coke ftw. Gotta keep it a diet coke though, so I can keep my girlish figure ;).

    I'll have my own damn fun no matter what.

  • That_Aston's picture

    I live by the 3 J's in this order:

    Johnnie
    Jim
    Jack

    Here to learn and hopefully pass on some knowledge as well. SB if I helped.

  • Kassad's picture

    I'm glad(should I be?) to say that I've graduated from Stella guy to Tequila shots guy. Some douchebaggery remains, however.

    Equities are for chumps.

  • WallStreetOasis.com's picture

    I used to roll jack and cokes...and shots.

    now I stick with just straight jack on the rocks or a nice scotch. Does that make me like Martini guy? I hope not.

  • In reply to John Rolfe
    Aaron Burr's picture

    Speaking in overly broad terms, the female equivalent to Jack & Coke

  • Ron Paul's picture

    it's not what you drink it's how you drink it

    1. oh, looks like you're drinking who-knows-what brand in a koozie, no biggie

    vs:

    2. BRO HOLD UP I'MA SHOTGUN A NATTY WITH YOU BRO, HAND ME THOSE KEYS LETS GO, BOOM 3.2 SECONDS TFM BRO

  • In reply to John Rolfe
    cplpayne's picture

    <a href=http://tinyurl.com/3zap9yh rel=nofollow>John Rolfe</a>:
    lol where does gin and tonic fall?

    Where does gin & tonic with tequila shots mixed in fall?

    "One should recognize reality even when one doesn't like it, indeed, especially when one doesn't like it." - Charlie Munger

  • In reply to John Rolfe
    sayandarula's picture

    <a href=http://tinyurl.com/3zap9yh rel=nofollow>John Rolfe</a>:
    lol where does gin and tonic fall?

    "Clear alcohol is for rich women on diets" - Ron Swanson

    Money Never Sleeps? More like Money Never SUCKS amirite?!?!?!?

  • UFOinsider's picture

    Lately just not drinking at all. If/when I do, a Heineken, Guinness, or glass of wine is really all it takes, maybe two. Years ago, it was Yeungling and Jameson (Miller Lt too) until the bar closed, get some sleep, go to work, go to the bar, do it again....but it just got really old and I don't even talk to most of my old friends.

    Just to mess with people, I'll sip Chartreuse, but only sometimes....it's fun to get made fun of and challenge someone to do shots of it. Watching them hallucinate fifteen minutes later is worth the $7.

    Get busy living

  • In reply to sayandarula
    John Rolfe's picture

    sayandarula:
    <a href=http://tinyurl.com/3zap9yh rel=nofollow>John Rolfe</a>:
    lol where does gin and tonic fall?

    "Clear alcohol is for rich women on diets" - Ron Swanson

    lol I thought gin and tonic was an old man's drink

  • Human's picture

    Used to be the Jack & Coke guy.
    Now I only drink whiskey straight up.

    "I am the hero of the story. I don't need to be saved."

  • Aimez's picture

    What about Jagerbombs? And Absinthe? and Vodka Mixers? And vodka with redbull? And Bourbon with coke? And Southern Comfort?

    That's what the guys I know drink.

    All not appropriate choices?

  • sayandarula's picture

    redbull vodka means you're totally extreme dude.

    Money Never Sleeps? More like Money Never SUCKS amirite?!?!?!?

  • In reply to UFOinsider
    dwight schrute's picture

    UFOinsider:
    Just to mess with people, I'll sip Chartreuse, but only sometimes....it's fun to get made fun of and challenge someone to do shots of it. Watching them hallucinate fifteen minutes later is worth the $7.

    Never had it. Similar to absinthe?

    Making money is art and working is art and good business is the best art - Andy Warhol

  • In reply to dwight schrute
    UFOinsider's picture

    dwight schrute:
    UFOinsider:
    Just to mess with people, I'll sip Chartreuse, but only sometimes....it's fun to get made fun of and challenge someone to do shots of it. Watching them hallucinate fifteen minutes later is worth the $7.

    Never had it. Similar to absinthe?

    Not really, try it sometime....but sip it, it's a mild hallicinagenic and everyone's reaction varies in intensity :)

    Get busy living

  • In reply to UFOinsider
    dwight schrute's picture

    UFOinsider:
    dwight schrute:
    UFOinsider:
    Just to mess with people, I'll sip Chartreuse, but only sometimes....it's fun to get made fun of and challenge someone to do shots of it. Watching them hallucinate fifteen minutes later is worth the $7.

    Never had it. Similar to absinthe?

    Not really, try it sometime....but sip it, it's a mild hallicinagenic and everyone's reaction varies in intensity :)

    Alright thanks for the pointer

    Making money is art and working is art and good business is the best art - Andy Warhol

  • philosophizingphilosoraptor's picture

    Vodka redbull / vodka lemon

    To the starving man, beans are caviar

  • LeveragedTiger's picture

    I see no option for high-quality scotch or classic cocktails (old-fashioned, manhattan, etc.)

    "The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." - George Bernard Shaw

  • In reply to sayandarula
    Aimez's picture

    sayandarula:
    <a href=http://tinyurl.com/3zap9yh rel=nofollow>John Rolfe</a>:
    lol where does gin and tonic fall?

    "Clear alcohol is for rich women on diets" - Ron Swanson

    I wouldn't say I'm rich or dieting. But my typical vodka lime and soda might have subconscious aspirational qualities.

  • Onetwobit's picture

    Post is a list of drinks not to drink (unfortunately makes you sound like an extremely judgmental douche-bag) -- so my question to you, god of the nectar's, what should we drink?

  • Thurnis Haley's picture

    When I see people drinking Miller Lite it makes me SICK. They are worse than Hitler.

  • In reply to FormerHornetDriver
    sayandarula's picture

    FormerHornetDriver:
    Straight vodka on the rocks with no douched-out mix-ins.

    i personally prefer Bacardi 151 in a beer glass... none of that pussy "on the rocks" shit.

    Money Never Sleeps? More like Money Never SUCKS amirite?!?!?!?

  • In The Flesh's picture

    Beer.

    Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com

  • In reply to sayandarula
    UFOinsider's picture

    sayandarula:
    FormerHornetDriver:
    Straight vodka on the rocks with no douched-out mix-ins.

    i personally prefer Bacardi 151 in a beer glass... none of that pussy "on the rocks" shit.


    You like warm booze? Da fuq?

    Get busy living

  • In reply to UFOinsider
    sayandarula's picture

    UFOinsider:
    sayandarula:
    FormerHornetDriver:
    Straight vodka on the rocks with no douched-out mix-ins.

    i personally prefer Bacardi 151 in a beer glass... none of that pussy "on the rocks" shit.


    You like warm booze? Da fuq?

    no, i prefer a frozen sweet sugary margarita with a giant umbrella in it. but all this talk about liquor on the rocks makes me feel less manly so i made that bit about bacardi 151 up.

    Money Never Sleeps? More like Money Never SUCKS amirite?!?!?!?

  • Frieds's picture

    Clearly this is a faulty list. I'd point out all the flaws, but lets just say it goes without saying that you miss all the good stuff...

  • sdb5057's picture

    What does it say if I drink primarily white russians, but also rum and coke depending on the day?

    Also, all beers are pretty awful to me...

  • Gomez Addams's picture

    Cheap irish whiskey. The cheaper, the better...

  • she_monkey's picture

    description of Stella is spot on.
    me and a few friends that all studied abroad in some european country all came back only drinking stella/other import e. european beer. and we would never shut up about the times we 'had pints of stella/guiness/etc because its the local beer, just like bud in america' at the uni's pub to our american friends back home. .....looking back we were so obnoxious.

  • KeepCalm's picture

    And where does wine fall? I love red wine, but white will do also.

  • In reply to she_monkey
    HFFBALLfan123's picture

    she_monkey:
    description of Stella is spot on.
    me and a few friends that all studied abroad in some european country all came back only drinking stella/other import e. european beer. and we would never shut up about the times we 'had pints of stella/guiness/etc because its the local beer, just like bud in america' at the uni's pub to our american friends back home. .....looking back we were so obnoxious.

    I did this as well, looking back i was such a tool..

  • In reply to BTbanker
    Going Concern's picture

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  • Futures Trader Man's picture

    "Well, you know, I was a human being before I became a businessman." -- George Soros

  • Heavy Bag's picture

    "Whenever you feel like criticizing any one...just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had."

    'The Great Gatsby' - F. Scott Fitzgerald

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