It’s midsummer in the city and the vaunted investment banking group outings are upon us. It’s time to loosen the cravat and enjoy the smell of steamy, urine-coated Manhattan concrete while kicking back a few with your fellow indentured servants. Whether you’re lucky enough to be invited to the group head’s Hamptons retreat or you’re slumming it at a roped-off section of the Ace Hotel Lobby Bar, one thing’s for sure: you’re getting after it at the summer party. But what does your libation say about you? See if these quintessential banker quaffs fit the personalities of people you may know:
The Bud Light
Congratulations, you’ve realized early on that banking is like a frat house with more computers and fewer girls. The Bud Light guy is focused on Drinkability – that is, slamming as many beers as possible before heading out to get his fist-pump on at Joshua Tree with his sweet college bros. On the weekends, you’re rolling into the office with mesh shorts and a curled, frayed-brim UNC cap. “Let’s order Lenny’s. So hungover, bro. So hungover.” Keep it real, big guy.
The Stella Artois
You’re a papercut above Heineken but for some reason you just can’t quit the distinct piss flavor of this vaguely European lager with a faux-import feel. The Stella guy appears more reserved and polished than the Bud Light guy, but peel back the shitty paper seal and they’re basically the same. The only difference is the Stella guy is likely to be found talking up his “amazing” abroad experience in Barcelona and rattling off the list of obscure German beers he tried at Oktoberfest. There’s an air of douche about this guy but he’s not necessarily obnoxious – just a little clueless. Someone should gently remind him that green bottles are for Sprite.
The Jack & Coke
Similar to the Bud Light but more dedicated to the cause of getting fucked up. Similar to the Gin & Tonic girl, the Jack & Coke guy is guaranteed to be hammered before it’s appropriate, and will likely be found in K-Town later that night, arm draped over a buddy and stumbling into the nearest karaoke joint. The Jack & Coke guy is a fun time to be around, but tends to be a bit of a mess and is a 50/50 risk to boot all over the back seat of a cab before the night’s over. You probably won’t be able to keep up with him, and you probably don’t want to.
The Dry Martini
The Martini guy is your classic office snob. He is usually being made fun of right to his face but is completely oblivious to it, because he is convinced he is a simply above everyone else. Martini guy drops the words “elegant” and “sophisticated” like he’s writing an article for Bazaar. You don’t want to hang out with this cufflinked creep – he spent the last few months taking notes on Mad Men and he’ll be off to Pegu Club later this evening to hit on women his mother’s age.
The Tequila Shots
One thing describes the Tequila Shots guy: confident. As in, confident that he is getting fired soon, or confident that he is untouchable. Either way, he knows that getting completely shitcanned with coworkers is no problemo. Tequila Shots guy is down to get rowdy and his chaotic approach to the New York scene always makes for an interesting night out. This is the guy everyone wants to hang out with. He’s a complete mess and is wildly entertaining every step of the way. If you end up going out drinking with this guy, don’t go alone, or you may wake up the next morning and have no recollection of doing this: