How To Be A Gentleman: A Monkey's Review

What does being a gentleman mean to you?

Does it mean knowing which fork to use at a properly-set table? Does it mean being so impeccably dressed as to make Patrick Bateman and 007 envious? Does it mean knowing when to tip, how to tie a bowtie, or how to properly greet a lady?

It can be all of those things, but at its core being a gentleman is more than just being the nice guy or being the best dresser. It’s about getting out of your head for a change and soberly considering how you come off to other people. It can be summed up in one of the first gentlemanly criteria laid out in this book:

”A gentleman never gets so big that he can feel free to say or do things that make other people feel small.”

If you’re immature, angry and jaded (as I was when I first read this), your first reaction to tidbits of wisdom like that will be dismissal. Same reaction goes for the following:

“A gentleman considers an invitation to any event to be a high honor, and he responds yes or no as soon as he can. He does not wait for something better to turn up.”

“A gentleman does not use email or text messaging as a shield against having a potentially difficult conversation.”

“A gentleman does not assume that everyone else holds the same beliefs as he does.”

And a big one:

“If a gentleman insists on texting or using his cell phone while he is seated with company, he understands that his companions may assume he is not interested in them at the present moment. Unfortunately, they are most likely correct.”

“I love how nobody does any of these things anymore,” was the first thing I thought upon reading this. “Screw this, it isn’t worth it.”

But eventually, you set aside the adolescent garbage, realize you’re just imputing other people’s failings on everybody else, and yes, “step into the big boy shoes.” God willing, that’s what this book will help you do—and ladies need not shy away from it either.

Of particularly interest to WSO is the chapter, “A Gentleman Goes to the Office,” which handles work etiquette and harpoons quite a few common practices. Have your heart medication ready:

“A gentleman may choose to carry work home from the office. He does not, however, assume that his fellow employees will do the same.”

“A gentleman knows that a bonus check is the sign of a job well done. A dignified ‘thank you’ is the only proper response. He does not brag about or ask others about the size of his bonus.”

“When leaving one job for another, a gentleman does not burn bridges.”

Rather than be dragged kicking and screaming into adulthood, “How To Be A Gentleman” empowers you to march towards it with dignity, character, and integrity. Give a few of these a shot—you’ll be much happier if you do. Plenty of females have written to the author of this book thanking him for his service—for helping transform men from merely dateable to outright desirable. Dare to be different. Dare to be a gentleman.

And never, ever, EVER forget the most important rule:

”A gentleman does not throw a party that is BYOB.”

Read up, monkeys!

Monkey’s Review 1: Barbarians At the Gate
Monkey’s Review 2: The Financier
Monkey’s Review 3: Decision Points
Monkey’s Review 4: Debunkery
Monkey’s Review 5: When Genius Failed
Monkey’s Review 6: Monkey Business
Monkey’s Review 7: Death Of The Banker
Monkey’s Review 8: A Journey
Monkey’s Review 9: Damn It Feels Good To Be A Banker
Monkey’s Review 10: The Quants
Monkey’s Review 11: All About Hedge Funds
Monkey’s Review 12: The Unlikely Disciple
Monkey’s Review 13: Adventure Capitalist
Monkey’s Review 14: The Hedge Fund Book
Monkey’s Review 15: Investing In Hedge Fund of Funds
Monkey’s Review 16: Hilarity Ensues
Monkey’s Review 17: The Prince
Monkey’s Review 18: Markets Never Forget (But People Do)
Monkey’s Review 19: The Money Culture
Monkey's Review 20: An Empire of Wealth
Monkey's Review 21: The New Tycoons
Monkey's Review 22: A Bold, Fresh Piece of Humanity
Monkey's Review 23: Ahead of the Curve (2 Years At HBS)

Mod Note: Best of WSO, this was originally posted March 2013.

 

Great review.

Not kidding, this is a must read. Many of the things covered I have seen HSPY or whatever kids get dinged for in interviews. I know this sounds bad, but especially if you weren't raised in an upper middle class American family or above, chances are there are some things that will be expected of you that you aren't cognizant of. Again, not trying to make any kind of statement, just saying that has been my experience.

 
UFOinsider:
Just bought this on Amazon. Truthfully, I don't care who likes me or doesn't, fuck you pay me. However, if having people on my side helps me get ahead, then cool.

I think you're kind of missing the point. It isn't about making other people like you; it's about holding yourself to a different standard. You can do it just as much for yourself as well as for the people you care about.

Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com
 
Going Concern:
Isn't this the volume that's scattered throughout various shelves of any Brooks Bros establishment?

I think I can probably save folks some scratch and summarize the book in one sentence:

How To Be A Gentleman: don't be a giant, gaping a$$hole. Also, always shop at Brooks Bros.

Good start, but you don't want to just tell people what NOT to be. You want to show them what they CAN be.

Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com
 

Most of these suggestions seem reasonable. But this one?

In The Flesh:
“A gentleman knows that a bonus check is the sign of a job well done. A dignified ‘thank you’ is the only proper response.”
Maybe it's true in some industries, but it is rarely true in this one. I would never want my boss to think the bonus they paid me made me happy or even satisfied. Then again, maybe I'm not a gentleman. But, hey, if being an asshole is effective, I'll be an asshole.
 
SirTradesaLot:
Most of these suggestions seem reasonable. But this one?
In The Flesh:
“A gentleman knows that a bonus check is the sign of a job well done. A dignified ‘thank you’ is the only proper response.”
Maybe it's true in some industries, but it is rarely true in this one. I would never want my boss to think the bonus they paid me made me happy or even satisfied. Then again, maybe I'm not a gentleman. But, hey, if being an asshole is effective, I'll be an asshole.

I think that's a bit paranoid. There's nothing emotional about it; it's just being proper. Do you really think they'll psychoanalyze you for that when they write your next bonus check?

Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com
 
In The Flesh:
SirTradesaLot:
Most of these suggestions seem reasonable. But this one?
In The Flesh:
“A gentleman knows that a bonus check is the sign of a job well done. A dignified ‘thank you’ is the only proper response.”
Maybe it's true in some industries, but it is rarely true in this one. I would never want my boss to think the bonus they paid me made me happy or even satisfied. Then again, maybe I'm not a gentleman. But, hey, if being an asshole is effective, I'll be an asshole.

I think that's a bit paranoid. There's nothing emotional about it; it's just being proper. Do you really think they'll psychoanalyze you for that when they write your next bonus check?

http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/blog/how-to-negotiate-for-more-money-dur…

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In The Flesh:
SirTradesaLot:
Most of these suggestions seem reasonable. But this one?
In The Flesh:
“A gentleman knows that a bonus check is the sign of a job well done. A dignified ‘thank you’ is the only proper response.”
Maybe it's true in some industries, but it is rarely true in this one. I would never want my boss to think the bonus they paid me made me happy or even satisfied. Then again, maybe I'm not a gentleman. But, hey, if being an asshole is effective, I'll be an asshole.

I think that's a bit paranoid. There's nothing emotional about it; it's just being proper. Do you really think they'll psychoanalyze you for that when they write your next bonus check?

100%. If they don't fear a difficult bonus conversation, it makes it that much easier for them to take a little from you and give it to the squeaky wheel.

Also, only the paranoid survive.

 
SirTradesaLot:
In The Flesh:
SirTradesaLot:
Most of these suggestions seem reasonable. But this one?
In The Flesh:
“A gentleman knows that a bonus check is the sign of a job well done. A dignified ‘thank you’ is the only proper response.”
Maybe it's true in some industries, but it is rarely true in this one. I would never want my boss to think the bonus they paid me made me happy or even satisfied. Then again, maybe I'm not a gentleman. But, hey, if being an asshole is effective, I'll be an asshole.

I think that's a bit paranoid. There's nothing emotional about it; it's just being proper. Do you really think they'll psychoanalyze you for that when they write your next bonus check?

100%. If they don't fear a difficult bonus conversation, it makes it that much easier for them to take a little from you and give it to the squeaky wheel.

Also, only the paranoid survive.

This is not an interview or negotiation situation. We're talking the immediate aftermath of being handed your bonus check.

Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com
 
In The Flesh:
This is not an interview or negotiation situation. We're talking the immediate aftermath of being handed your bonus check.
IMO -- It's all part of the negotiation. You can't wait until a formal negotiation...everything you do conveys information to the people around you. I always wanted my bosses to know if they gave me an 'ok' bonus, I would be pissed off and we would have a difficult discussion. Anyway, I'm nitpicking one point of many in the book. Most of the other suggestions seem reasonable.
 
SirTradesaLot:
I always wanted my bosses to know if they gave me an 'ok' bonus, I would be pissed off and we would have a difficult discussion.

Assuming you actually made good on your unspoken promise at least once, what would your "difficult discussion" sound like? I can't see a boss actually going so far as to change your bonus once it's been processed unless you gave them the gift of a resignation threat, and that's a lot of chips from your stack if you're just bluffing.

 
Best Response
Going Concern:
SirTradesaLot:
I always wanted my bosses to know if they gave me an 'ok' bonus, I would be pissed off and we would have a difficult discussion.

Assuming you actually made good on your unspoken promise at least once, what would your "difficult discussion" sound like? I can't see a boss actually going so far as to change your bonus once it's been processed unless you gave them the gift of a resignation threat, and that's a lot of chips from your stack if you're just bluffing.

Only once. Keep in mind, I always set expectations throughout the year, so the idea is that there are no huge surprises and my boss would have an idea of what would set me off. It worked every year until 2009 (more than 10 years). I can't get into all the details, but my original boss retired and I got a new boss. My old boss told my new boss he needs to pay me or i will gtfo. Shortly thereafter, I had a conversation w/ the new boss about career/bonus/blah-blah. That year I made it crystal clear what my expectations were and that, while I loved the company (total lie, btw) I would need to reconsider all options if the year end isn't a good one for me. Year end comes and I get an 'ok' bonus. The conversation goes like this: Him: you're doing great, valued member of the team, but it's a bad year, blah blah Me: I thought I made my expectations crystal clear.
Him: like I said, it's a bad year Me: (I pull out piece of paper with compensation from (highly cherry picked) peers (don't ask how I got it, but I had it and he knew they were accurate figures)); How can you justify this? Him: (shits his pants) that guy's 15 years older than you....similar bullshit about the others on the paper Me: I told you what I need to do...I have kids to feed, I can't feed them on promises. Him: We're giving you more responsibility, this year's going to be great, etc. We have committees and this is the best we can do given how bad the environment is. Most people are taking significant cuts this year, you're actually up. Me: Percentage changes are meaningless when the numbers weren't balanced to begin with...i just want the fair value, you're the President of the firm, you could have pulled out whatever number you want to keep me happy. You don't need to hide behind these committees.

Obviously, I'm leaving out a lot of detail, but you get the idea.

I handed in my resignation a couple of months later after the check cleared. The guy was shocked and majorly pissed that I was leaving. Of course, now he counters me with more money, but I would have never lasted past a contract period because the trust was broken.

So, I guess you can read this in a couple of different ways:

  1. I didn't get an adjustment to my bonus, so it was pointless. I would argue, that I never expected an adjustment that year (but, I'm probably misremembering), but was trying to get a guarantee for next year. Well, I didn't get that either and I don't know if I would have accepted it anyway given that I would likely leave soon to start a business.
  2. When I did quit, they knew what my motivation was, so they offered me a lot more money. If I wanted to stay, that would be great. Or, if I was leaving to another firm, I could have leveraged it for a better offer there. Instead, I went and started a new firm, so all it did was make leaving that much more painful because it was costing me that much more to leave. Could have been effective in most circumstances, but wasn't in this case because of unusual circumstances (starting a business).
  3. Setting expectations worked well enough that I didn't have to have a throw down for more than a decade.
  4. I am an asshole/entitled douche. I won't argue with you if you think that, but I don't think I am.

When bonuses were more in line with expectations, instead of sitting there with a grin on my face, I would usually talk about the goals for next year and how I can be paid 'fairly' for hitting all of the goals. Those always went well.

Also, complete side note to this rant, but I've been on some of these comp committees and somewhere along the line the argument is made that we need to pay someone this year or we're at risk of them leaving. It usually makes a difference in how much that person gets paid. But, that person's boss needs to speak up otherwise nobody ever knows to be more aggressive with paying someone.

 
SirTradesaLot:
In The Flesh:
This is not an interview or negotiation situation. We're talking the immediate aftermath of being handed your bonus check.
IMO -- It's all part of the negotiation. You can't wait until a formal negotiation...everything you do conveys information to the people around you. I always wanted my bosses to know if they gave me an 'ok' bonus, I would be pissed off and we would have a difficult discussion. Anyway, I'm nitpicking one point of many in the book. Most of the other suggestions seem reasonable.

Glad to hear it; that other post is right to call this a must-read. But hey, it's perfectly reasonable to entertain the possibility that your boss is also a gentleman and may expect a degree of decorum. Me personally, I'll err on the side of decorum.

Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com
 
AndyLouis:
some of these quotes remind me of 'most interesting man in the world' stuff... well i guess he's 60(?)+ and hanging out with hot chicks so there must be some merit to all this stuff. adding book to download queue

Aging gracefully is a part of it....but simply hanging out with younger, more attractive women doesn't automatically qualify you. An earnest effort on his part, though, he seems to be succeeding!

Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com
 
860:
I received this book as a gift but never got around to reading it... Maybe I will now!

Mine was actually a gift as well! Definitely pick it up again, you'll be glad you did.

Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com
 

Maybe taking some points from cowboys can be useful:

"Code of the West" (from "Cowboy Ethics: What Wall Street Can Learn from the Code of the West" by James P. Owen)

Live each day with courage.

Take pride in your work.

Always finish what you start.

Do what has to be done.

Be tough, but fair.

When you make a promise, keep it.

Ride for the brand.

Talk less and say more.

Remember that some things aren't for sale.

Know where to draw the line.

Winners bring a bigger bag than you do. I have a degree in meritocracy.
 

Great review! Another book to add to my reading list.

In The Flesh:

It’s about getting out of your head for a change and soberly considering how you come off to other people.

I think this is the key, and I really wish people would do this more often.

 

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Absolute truths don't exist... celebrated opinions do.
 

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