Dress Like A Man: The Anti-Douchesuit

I have had a lot of interns ask me where I get my clothes. This isn't surprising, since I look great all the time. I tell them, "I don't get all my clothes in one place, idiot." And then I tell them some version of the following:

If you're a male in his early 20s who wants to look good right out of the gate at his first real job, you probably need help, since the vast majority of young men either don't give a fuck or think that dressing the same way they did at fraternity semi-formals is appropriate. From now on, sorry to say, you've got to save that shit for the golf course.

You need a white button-down, and not just any white button down you find at a church bazaar. It needs to fit you. Not like this:

Like this:

Get 10 of these and wear them in a constant rotation. To keep the pits fresh, use baking soda, hydrogen peroxide and salt.

Wear a white v-neck underneath. I recommend Alternative Apparel, but whatever you do, just don't get Hanes. There will come a time when you spill something on your shirt and need to remove it immediately to begin spot treatment. You don't want to be caught in a ratty rag that your grandfather or a homeless person would wear.

There will be those who disagree, and of course they're wrong, but I think a trim fit suit is the best way to go. For people like me who have rippling biceps and jacked thighs, there are tailors, but the overall purpose of the suit's cut will be the same: to look like you belong in this century. You have a phone that fits on the inside of your coat; you don't need Gordon Gekko pants.

I wear this most of the time:

Along that same logic, don't wear a hat. Just don't do it. Internet memes have ruined every type of full brim hat there is. You'll look like a douche. If you're running out of hair, shave your head and grow a beard.

Shoes: one pair black, one pair brown. No weird leathers. Wingtip oxfords and you'll be fine. Resist the temptation to wear a penny loafer. Never wear sandals. If you think I mean just in the office, I don't think you will benefit from this post. Never wear sandals in life.

You socks should be a Polo argyle, with the understanding that people shouldn't notice them. If they do, your pants are too short.

I understand that not everyone is an Adonis who can wear clothes effortlessly. If you're a plumper older man, that can work to your advantage in a way it never could for a broad. Wear a suit that fits you and carry yourself with brash privilege.

If you're a plumper man and you're still in your 20s, however, you can (and should) lose weight easily. Stop drinking beer, join a gym, and suppress all the memories of your childhood that cause you to binge on Kit-Kats in a Xanax-induced somnambulent stupor. That should do it.

Oh, and you aren't a child anymore, so get a Rolex.