Goldman Strapped (and Not for Cash)...

Welcome to the surreal.

I guess robbing the U.S. Treasury gave some of the boys at 85 Broad ideas. It is being widely reported that many senior employees of Goldman Sachs have become bona fide gunslingers, and many more have permits pending. Arming themselves against an angry mob as we get closer to bonus time, no doubt.

But are guns the answer? Not in a town with absolutely draconian gun control laws, they aren't. Just ask Plaxico Burress. A better solution?

In other words, a little humility and contrition are probably the better route.

But why are the hoi polloi in such a lather to begin with? Why would normally rational people with full-time jobs (82% of them, anyway) want to march down to Goldman headquarters with torches and pitchforks?

Henry Paulson, U.S. Treasury secretary during the bailout and a former Goldman Sachs CEO, let it slip during testimony to Congress last summer when he explained why it was so critical to bail out Goldman Sachs, and -- oh yes -- the other banks. People “were unhappy with the big discrepancies in wealth, but they at least believed in the system and in some form of market-driven capitalism. But if we had a complete meltdown, it could lead to people questioning the basis of the system.”

There you have it. The bailout was meant to keep the curtain drawn on the way the rich make money, not from the free market, but from the lack of one. Goldman Sachs blew its cover when the firm’s revenue from trading reached a record $27 billion in the first nine months of this year, and a public that was writhing in financial agony caught on that the profits earned on taxpayer capital were going to pay employee bonuses.

Here's a nickel's worth of free advice for any fellow monkey that feels compelled to buy a gun to defend himself against the populace. If the shit your firm is into is so shady that you feel legitimately threatened with violence just for showing up at work, it might be time to re-examine your career choices. Take it from someone who has been on the receiving end of gunfire: no amount of money is worth it.

If however, you're deeply committed to the cowboy persona your boss is trying desperately to convey, I've always been partial to a Sig 9mm myself, and I know Glock has a lot of fans. Back in the day, I carried a Colt 1911 .45 that had tons of stopping power. So, if you were faced with an angry mob, what kind of shootin' iron would you want handy?