I need some karma so will give out SB's

Rectum? Damn near killed 'em.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand

Procrastination is like masturbation. It feels good at first, but then you realize you're just fucking yourself.

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

sex is like air: it's not important unless you aren't getting any

Not now chief. I'm in the fuckin zone

OP just out of curiosity, why do you need all this good karma? for upcoming interviews? colonoscopy? jw

whats the difference between jesus on the cross, and a portrait of jesus on the cross? The portrait only requires one nail.

Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies.

I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?"

I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'

"A witty saying proves nothing."

-Voltaire

Women's rights....

keep em comin

Suck a bag of dicks

Gets 'em every time.

Favorite quote from a 5'1" female at an inner city public high school: "Shutup lookin' at me little boy!"

It's not gonna suck itself...

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer

Kenny Woo, an investment banker, has been glaring at excel for 48 hours straight and has been experiencing some vision problems so he goes to the eye doctor. The doctor performs an examination and says, "Mr. Woo, the test results show that you have a cataract." Mr. Woo confusingly replies, "Cataract??? No, no, no I drive a Rincoln Continental!"

Housekeeping! You want pillow? You want me wack you off?

I'll think about one after i get off the toilet.

No, but seriously...

Wave over chick with finger "I just made you come with one finger, just imagine what I can do with my entire hand"

Too many quotes to use, so I'm just gonna go with a few classics...

Elwood Blues"We're on a Mission from God"

'Joliet' Jake BluesJesus H. Tap-Dancing Christ! I have seen the light!

Elwood BluesIt's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses

Bangkok

Bill wins the lottery, calls his wife: Bill: "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery!" Wife: "That's great! Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?" Bill: "I don't care where you go, just get the fuck out!"

Show me the money!!!!!!!

I suppose my first post wasn't a one-liner, so here's anotha one...

"Anyway, enough about me... so what do you think about me??"

9 SB's left

Can i get some?

He called me a rapist and a recluse. I am not a recluse.

Wellllllll I wouldn't want you to not have the most possible karma on your side!... So how 'bout another 'nanner???

"What seems to be the officer, problem?"

But really, I hope you are able to smooth things over with the GF, we've all been there before.

Best pickup line: Nice shoes, wanna fuck?

A politician is trying to give a speech in small town America, but is having trouble b/c a man in the audience continues to interrupt him and ask provocative questions. The politician stops, asks the man which party he voted for in the last election. The man proudly says "Republican. My daddy was a Republican, his daddy was a Republican and I vote Republican, always."

Politician says, hoping to shut the man up " Its too bad you can't think for yourself, what would you be if you daddy was a jackass?"

Man says, "Easy - then I'd be a Democrat"

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1. 1 to hold the bulb, 9 to turn the room.

Handbridge the cleave if the D is in need.

""Honey, what would you do if I won the lottery?"

"Take half and leave you"

"Cool, here's $5, door's over there."

Monkey1: Offers from BX/GS/MS/JPM/CS/DB/Citi/BAML/UBS/Lazard. Which groups? Monkey2: How did you get in? Can I see your resume? Can you read my cover letter? Should I put commas on my closing? None of the bankers do. I applied to all the above and didn't get an offer.

Monkey 1: I just took BX. But hey let me help you I heard they have an opening there at http://www.blackstone.com/cps/rde/xchg/bxcom/hs/careers.htm Look under "Intern's Bitch" I just posted it.

Thx. My first Silver Banana :D