I'm lonely
Recently started as an analyst in a M&A boutique after interning here. I find that IB is not what I was hoping for - coming into this industry I was expecting constantly intellectually challenging work, personal growth and amazing learning opportunities. It seems I was quite wrong - between the mind-numbing, high school intellect level work and studying for the level 2, I have nothing else in life.
Coming home alone to an empty bed every night a 2AM, only to be in the office aligning logos the next morning is proving to be quite a sad existence. Nevertheless, I will tough it out. I moved from my country to work here so I have no friends or a girlfriend, and find myself miserable and lonely for most of the time. Granted, the "pls fix" emails and CFA keep me busy and sometimes take my mind off things, but I often find myself wondering what I am doing wrong and why am I feeling like this. Is this how it is supposed to be? Does it ever get better? What do you guys do to combat this? I tried to go out to a few bars to meet a girl or something, but being constantly exhausted, under stress and sad doesn't exactly make me a catch for a random girl in a bar.
I have no problem working 16hr days (even though it's mostly uninteresting work) or spending my entire weekend studying, as long as I would have something to look forward to at some point in the future, which at this point, I don't. I feel like it would be so much easier if I had someone to talk to or spend time with. What should I do? What did you guys do when you felt like this?
I was in the same position. People want to be traders but they don't understand every day is the same shit. At the end of the day, you're trading your edge, maybe looking for new ones, making markets, stressed out when you're wrong, etc. Finance in general is mundane. I look across the floor and I see people on the computer or glancing down at their phones, it's just pathetic. I'm currently in the process of leaving soon for Army Special Forces... I'll be making less money and unfortunately, I have to leave behind my son with his mother, whom I'm not with. Yes, I feel rather selfish but I know I won't be away forever. Personally for me, I think jumping out of planes, breaking down doors with the toughest men the military has to offer excites me. To push my mental and physical limits and see what kind of man I'm made of. Trading doesn't offer that. I don't want to grow old and say all I did was make money and die. So I'm giving up everything, taking a pay cut and leaving behind my family, temporarily, to fulfill my happiness. Find your happiness. Drinking isn't the answer and although working out sounds like an option but it's only a temporarily fix to relieve stress but it won't truly bring happiness. Ask yourself. What makes you happy. What do you have passion for? It's not possible to ask this online and achieve in getting an answer. Sit down and ask this yourself. Where do you see yourself 10 years from now? For me, it wasn't sitting at a desk all day, stressing out.
If you are leaving your son and his baby mother behind because you think you're gonna break down doors in urban combats and jump out of planes I think you are going to be disappointed. Being in the special forces is 80% maintainence of body, gear, vehicles and equipment, 18% training and 2% actual bad ass stuff.
I know what SF has to offer. I've been in the military for 9 nine years now (still am). SOF isn't all about breaking down doors and shooting enemy in the face. But you have admit, not every day will be the same, some days, maybe but whatever the case may be, every situation I will be put in will test me and my capability as a man, as a human being and that's what I need. Best part of it, I work with the toughest men, same minded, as I am. I actually joined the Navy 9 years ago with a SEAL contract. I was literally the top candidate, scoring high on my PST. But I lost it due to my poor vision and I never got a chance to do LASIK after I had my son and had put priority with the finances. But now, Army picked me and it's time to rock.
Don't know about your experience or how the US military works in detail, but during my 18 months of service in the marine here in Europe I thought that most days were really similar and mostly consited of waiting. I think that if I put a compilation of all the cool things we did in a video it would be a 10 minute Youtube video at the most. However, I wish you all the best and thank you for your service!
Ok, I think all the advice on this thread so far is great but it's mainly looking into the future. Even if you manage to have a long-term mindset, you shouldn't have to live through the analyst years in misery. I think some simple things may help:
Find the time to gym and see if you can make that something semi-social. You don't go to the gym to make friends, but you may end up running into the same people who you could work out with. Worst case, you can still get a good pump in to relieve some stress
Plan something fun with friends or family during the weekend. Sure, you'll be working during the weekend too, but if you can find ways to plan something you look forward too all week then it'll be worth it
Find 24h restaurants or bars and see if any friends (ideally in IB) or fellow analysts would have time even for a 30-40 minute catch up
If you can afford to take a 1h lunch break (probably rare), see if you can convince fellow analysts to take a breather with you
Download every dating app imaginable and use it for both hooking up and making friends. There really isn't anything wrong with having a chat with someone on the weekend or one night that you've met online
If you can find the time to skype or call friends during the day, do it. It'll help massively with the loneliness. Barring time differences, even knowing you have a catch up with a friend over the phone coming up during the week helps with your mental health
Find clubs, societies or groups that have similar interests to you. I'm sure that you can find at least one which could accommodate your working hours even once a week
Loneliness can be a truly detrimental condition, because it is your body literally craving interaction or some form of affection. But in the same way that a quick snack can help manage hunger, a simple social interaction can help deal with loneliness.
Deep breath. No need to be permanently lonely, or "waste your 20's" but give it a little time. Something will click. Right now you're in a pressure cooker of extreme hours and studying, giving you little breathing room. Try to see the light at the end of the tunnel, recognizing this (job/period of study/solo status) is temporary. I think what's so stressful is right now you feel like it's forever. Books, tv, music, a hobby, exercise, chatting online are good for a change in perspective. It's also dead of winter, short days, freezing out - this makes everyone feel "meh." I think honestly, you need a full vacation day to disengage from work/study, rest and relax to change your perspective. Right now you're grinding it out. At least try to take lunch or coffee with a colleague, talk about non-work stuff for 20 minutes. You need a breather. Maybe you can grab coffee with a more senior person, do a little networking.
I promise you, this job isn't forever, but the job plus at least CFA 1 will open doors for you long term. It's going to be good - stay positive.
Op - most important thing. You are not alone. Seriously.
An idea may be to create a list of things/activities/places that interest you. Perhaps once a week (on the weekend) tick off one of those things? Perhaps as a study break or a reward for grinding through something? May make you more efficient as you will have something to look forward to.
The other (potentially tougher) idea is if you are in the same city as others on this board, maybe use this thread as a social thing for real life (if that's of interest). Something like, I am setting up a table at a bar at this place at this time (pick a time/day that has a higher probability of people making it), and then you guys can talk it out. A sort of support group.
I'm a bit older and realize that this sounds being open and vulnerable and is terrifying but what you are going through is pretty common (the misery and also the "wow I grinded this hard and the work is this idiotic?" feeling.). Seeing/hearing people around you open up about it (and of course you doing the same) will literally make you and everyone feel better and may end up making you some awesome friends (since you are cutting through the BS).
Life is too short to be miserable, especially after having worked so hard for so long. The last thing you want to do in your 40s or whatever is be like "wow I wasted my 20s"
Good Luck
I will say, throw yourself into social situations and you can reap huge benefits. I moved to NYC a few years ago with literally no one I knew besides colleagues and took the plunge to live with a guy I met during my internship at the standard beergarden the next year. Lo and behold I moved in with him and a few of his friends and thus began my social life in the city which really did blossom into meeting a TON of people and now I can honestly say I treasure the moments I'm alone. Also moving to a large banking firm during my lateral shift in banking helped a bit too since some of the guys in my analyst class became some of my best friends who I hang out with weekly to this day when time allows.
Be a bit spontaneous, join a social club maybe or take some fitness classes at places like Equinox or SoulCycle for the hunnies. You'll find something
mswoonc I call shenanigans. The problem may not be in the job, it may be in the man in the mirror. Your manage ended, which is a pity, and consequently are alone. That you are feeling lonely is natural.
But here's the thing ... you still have access to your son! You can still have a family. Half the fuckers on Wall Street would give their nut to have a second chance. But instead of taking it you're volunteering to ship out, and join the intensity of SOF on top of that.
How much of a relationship do you think you'll have with your son then? Think he'll adore you from afar? Think that will give you the nights and weekends to be a daddy? No way. So let's be clear... you hate your job and feel lonely. Brother, I feel you. Been there for real. But you have a son, and are moving yourself as far away from him as possible, and somehow you think THAT will solve your loneliness? No way. You want to serve... that's noble. You're already a reservist, keep doing that. You hate your job? Cool, go ahead and change your job. Go chat with other professionals until you find a job you'd like to do, or a venture you'd like to start. But you also have the chance to be a daddy, and you need to step up into that responsibility.
Anyone can father a baby, but it takes a man to be a real dad, and that oftenmeans putting family first even above your own desire to jump out of planes and shoot people in the face. Your fight is not with an external enemy man, it's with your own heart and mind.