Just hit the desk - feeling terrible
New analyst who just hit the desk last week. I feel like shit. I feel like there's so much coming at me all at once. New, complicated models and backups I'm trying to sift through, new admin stuff, group specific quirks and templates, all of this while trying to pump out correct slides and Excel outputs I'm barely understanding. No real help besides the few times I few comfortable asking my associate, who is extremely busy and always working on something. I can't look over another person's shoulder while they work on something because of WFH, can't just look over a cubicle wall, barely connected through text to my analyst class...
My biggest fear is becoming "that analyst", the mediocre one who no one really wants to work with, because it's such a burden to have to deal with his/her slow work rate along with the mistakes. I know the only way to way to get better is to make mistakes. I also know I put a lot of stress on myself and that it's only been a week and nobody expects an analyst to be good right away, but I can't shake this anxiety and constant dread of creating a hassle/disappointing someone above me or making others stay late to work with me, even though this hasn't happened yet (at least I hope not).
I feel physically ill at times and can't help but wonder if I'm just not cut out for this. I didn't intern at this firm but I did intern elsewhere and I didn't feel this same way. My current group isn't even considered a sweatshop by any means, and I know a lot of other analysts out there have it way worse.
I can't tell if what I'm feeling is normal or if I need a therapist or maybe I'm just a control freak who needs to have a handle on everything to feel comfortable. Anyone have any thoughts?
EDIT: Hey everyone, finally have my protected Saturday to read all of this. Honestly, writing this was quite cathartic and helped a lot to just see what I am feeling on a page. Thank you all for your suggestions and comments; it looks like a lot of people have felt/are feeling this same way. I will definitely be looking at this for guidance.
Ask as many questions as you need to. Don't get into the mentality of thinking you should already know things when you shouldn't.
If you don't ask the questions now, then later you will have a hard time because you actually SHOULD know the answer but just didn't ask early enough.
I'd be more concerned about someone who doesn't realize how hard the job is. I've seen plenty of those. They come in, get a difficult assignment, aren't able to even see the difficulty of it, and thus they think its easy and don't improve. A year into the job, their peers have grown by leaps and bounds and that's when they suddenly realize they're "that analyst" as you say. That's a tough situation to fix.
Less concerned about you because you at least get it enough to know that its hard. I think if you just keep at it you'll get faster and sharper.
It also sounds a bit like you have Imposter Syndrome which is common among successful people.
Analyst --
This discussion below assumes you are NOT in need of medical treatment / therapist / psychiatrist / etc. If you think you need one, immediately call someone who can help you through the process. I suffer from mild depression (no drugs, just hugs...not kidding, BTW) as well and will occasionally go dark...very dark. My wife and kids know when Daddy is "cranky", it's lots of hugs and pizza for a while. So please, if you really need help for OCD, Anxiety, Depression or another mental illness, PLEASE SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY. There is absolutely no shame, weakness or dishonor in doing so. None. No one is going to think you are weak because you reached out for help (theme?). I do not want to hear of some "analyst at bank x" jumping out of a window. Capeche?
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Wait for it....
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Now, assuming that you are just a coddled, millennial, whiny little snowflake with major confidence issues, we can get to the heart of the problem.
Bottom line: YOU KNOW NOTHING
You are an investment banking analyst. You're lower than whale poop on the banking grand scale. Did you get this job because you KNEW everything about banking coming in? Probably not. Did you get this job because your resume showed you are willing to subjugate yourself in order to be in banking? Probably. (C'mon, how much did you actually learn at those summer internships.) The reason you got the job is you are willing to work harder, be hungrier and give more to the bank than other candidates. You are fodder. You are a meat puppet with no life.
Now, here is the secret everyone is trying to tell you and unfortunately have to quote Harry Potter.
or for modern times...
You, Analyst, are afraid. Scared. Scared of LOOKING like an ass. Scared that the thin veil you covered yourself with all of these years will be pierced by people who may be better than you. Who knows? You are probably 100% correct in that view. So what are you going to do? How will YOU make it better? Read the above comments for some help / ideas, but the answer doesn't lie in whining incessantly like a baby about it. Fear is a great motivator. Embrace it. Make it your own. Otherwise, you will be like the rest of the chumps on here wondering about your career choices and how to make lateral moves to a place (HF, BB, alphabet soup) where the grass is usually NOT greener.
Be strong. Be proud. Get help if you need it in and out of the workplace, but do not post on a message board like a Karen looking for salvation.
Namaste.
D.O.U.G.
Don't worry, you'll still feel terrible after two years of good work and a decent rating.
First. I understand how you feel. Investment Banking is weird that they expect you to think you know everything "technicals" when interviewing for the job and yet you know nothing.
Honestly, WSO isn't going to help you with this. There's enough toxicity on this forum and most people aren't going to make you feel better about yourself.
The first six months were incredibly challenging for me. And yes...sometimes I was "that analyst." But ultimately, this is just a job. Some of us are good at it, some of us aren't. We aren't saving lives, we aren't doing surgery, we aren't fighting in wars. When you're at work a small mistake can feel like everything.... but understand it really isn't. Try your best and after a few months, you will improve. Don't be afraid to ask for help. If you're asking for help and not getting it, that's on the team not you.
I have some very good days where I love the job and find it incredibly interesting and engaging, and I have days where I feel like an imposter who has no idea what they're doing. That's normal, and anyone who isn't acknowledging that is lying to you.
Happy to hop on the phone to chat.