NYC Dating Shitshow
What is up with girls in this city. I go out for dates, seemingly have good time, they say they had fun afterwards (through text), and during the date. I reach out a week later to set up another date, and it's dead silence.
Example: I went out with a girl in consulting twice, had great time both the times (confirmed by the texts). I'm thinking we'll go for a third date, weekend comes by, and silence never to hear from her again. I even put up with her terrible racquet skills during the date (we went to play a racquet sport during our first date followed by dinner).
Coming from west coast where if a girl said she had fun, we would almost always go for another date, this random ghosting is new to me, so I need to understand from the people who live in the city what the situation is. Are all the girls on Hinge just trying to get free dinner? If that's the case, why say they had fun?
In summary, as a new FT IB Analyst at a BB, I need to know everything about managing risk (capital, time, and securing more dates with top candidates), understanding these girls, and the situation.
These hoes ain't loyal
New York women aren't known for wanting to be in relationships.
True, but some of them have bios saying "looking for long-term relationship", so what do they want?
they don't know what they want
It’s simple: improve your looks or lower your standards.
We can talk about the nuance and people can give me MS / tell you other advice, but let’s keep it simple.
Do you think Chad is getting ghosted?
If you don’t have time to go to the gym (likely given IB, but then again, you can always squeeze in 30 minutes…), there are other ways to improve your looks, namely in the facial department:
a) Fix your hairstyle if it’s messed up. Use minoxidil / rosemary oil.
a) Consider shaping your eyebrows if they’re bushy. You don’t need to do much up top, but in between + underneath your eyebrows should be plucked.
b) If you have light eyebrows, the EASIEST hack to move up in attractiveness if tinting your eyebrows (I use those off the counter “Just for Men” hair color creams). This makes a HUGE difference.
c) Use an eye cream to improve baggy eyes / fine lines
Tbh it's probably the opposite. I think I am one of the most jacked guys in the office who takes care of fitness (I squat and bench more than most people while having a pretty low BF%, and back is my strong point), have no problem with growing stubble, and looks in general are my selling point when it comes to getting dates (apart from the height, which is below average at 5'9", but then I also only go for dates with girls that are 5'4" max, with exceptions to maintain a height differential). I don't drink much alcohol on dates though to prioritize my body. Girls who also hit the gym or are really fit are usually my preferred choice because I can choose a healthier place, not have to buy too much alcohol, and just gives something in common to talk about. If looks were a problem, I don't think I would get so many dates to begin with, especially in NYC (but idk I am new here, and definitely see some guys at equinox who look like copies of Patrick Bateman).
I should mention that some girls are just trying to hu with me, and while that was fun at first, I also don't like to hu on first date (if the intention is a date) because it just decreases the value of that girl to me, and I lose interest (thinking being if she's down to hu on first date with me then she's probably doing that with a lot of other guys, and that's not the type of girl I want to date long-term).
I have skincare also down (use tretinoin instead of retinol, and isotretinoin if there's breakout). I could work on the eye area as it is starting to get wrinkled up in the lower part, but hopefully that's not the sole reason for not getting more dates.
Always close on the first date
Without knowing you, I don't think there is anything wrong with you. It's just, even average looking women in large cities have a huge amount of choice. They may use dating apps, or they may not - they will get approached either way (gym, public, transport, college, ..). When a girl has a list of 10-15 guys who are into her at any point in time, you might just not make the cut.
And sometimes two people just "don't click" - there is no chemistry. Hard to explain, but for being with someone there has to be more than looks and what they do for a living.
The only option is to move on and make a positive impression on the next girl.
Switching costs in NYC are very low, easily distracted market where girls (and guys if you know what you are doing) are thrown with thousands of options. Very easy to just try to find the next 'perfect' person since the unknown is always sexier than the known.
You've only provided a little information but would add some things you are probably doing wrong:
1. Dinner dates are for losers. Ive caught flack for this here but dont care. Easy way for a girl to immediately not respect you off the bat, while you also spend a lot of money (if you are a serial dater this will add up fast), and there is no sexual chemistry or tension at all. Eating food is 9 times out of 10 a sterile boring experience even with great restaurants. There is no increase of intimacy. You shouldnt be buying a girl dinner until you are dating her or at very least sleeping with her. The first dinner you do together should be a meal you cook together at ideally your place, not going out to eat
2. Confirming they had a nice time via text means nothing. In fact it screams the opposite. Women will usually try to protect the feelings of dudes in these situations, so if you are reaching out asking if they had a good time it shows insecurity. Now if they just text after the date 'I had a great time :)' then you should be golden. Maybe your issue is laying it on too thick after? Too much texting, or replying back with as much fervor. Early on keep texting minimal and mainly for logistics. yea it's 'playing games' it sucks but girls hate any sign if a guy is too needy
3. Are you escalating at all? If after 2 and especially 3 dates you havent made any move the girl will probably wonder if you arent into her and even lose attraction. If you arent at the very least making out somewhere after the 2nd date then they probably are wondering what is wrong with you
Whatever issue you have - it's fixable. You are getting chicks and doing cool stuff with them, which most guys have issues with. So you need to just critically assess yourself. Not 'what is wrong with girls in NYC' boo hoo woe is me, but what are YOU doing wrong. Fix that and you will be able to have all the degenerate meaningless NYC relationships you want.
This is actually helpful, so I appreciate it. For the texting part, I usually just send a follow-up text saying, I had fun and lmk if you want to do it again, and they say the same with more detail, but I can see how that might come off as insecure, so I'll stop sending these follow-up texts. 2nd date move sounds good. I thought asking a girl to come over on first date for dinner to your place would be a sign for asking to hook up, but I'll try to do something other than asking for dinner (it does cost a lot)
For what it's worth never had an issue inviting girl back to apartment on 2nd date. Even if they want to take things slow, have never gotten a 'no, do you view me as a slooze?' type response. Most are fine just to continue hanging out further in a private setting. Not saying make it a formulaic process, but if it feels natural and you're interested just assume they are
Many Women in NYC often follow the same pattern and it looks something like this:
22-25 (sometimes post grad school)
Move to NYC:
Sky is the limit, start career (usually) live the romcom/sex in the city dream - look for mr. Perfect / mr. Big
22-30
Dating:
Play the field, have adventures, eat at great restaurants, go to hot clubs, take trips, summer in the Hamptons. Have a number of guys in their Rolodex and first dates pay the tab on a lot of it, but don't settle down, and leave a trail of broken hearts that weren't quite worthy of her fantasy or that she wasn't ready for in her wake.
22-30
The Scene:
Ends up chasing / dating a lot of alphas and Chads that make good money, but don't want to settle down and love playing the field and the 60/40 ratio of women to men in NYC. She leaves a trail of no call backs, no texts, and ghosting in her wake as she pursues the perfect on paper Alpha and eventually gets fucked over 2 or 3 times herself.
28-35
The reality:
Her friends start to move away or back home and begin to get married. She grows tired of the NYC dating scene, but tell herself she is an educated, accomplished, modern woman and won't settle.
30-38
The harsh reality:
Clock is ticking, but there is still time. Her standards lower and she starts dating beneath her or older wealthy guys.
36- 45
Settle:
Most of her non-NYC friends have a marriage, a mortgage, 1.7 kids, a dog, and a mini-van. She struggles with the fact the clock never ceases to march forward and if she wants to have kids or the life most of her friends have she needs to settle. The first guy that actually calls back, is polite, and has a good job, even if he is chubby and balding, is a catch. She left scores of better, more suited candidates behind in her quest for perfect on paper, but now has to make a choice that she wouldn’t have made years before.
Often bitter and resentful, and frequently takes it out on her husband and kids.
Interesting. What are the characteristics of a NYC alpha/chad? What job, physical features, net worth, and other attributes make a NYC chad?
Signs of women in the 36-45 group:
- Owns RBG merchandise
- If married, constantly berates her husband
- thought Barbie was a profound movie
- shames men her age for thinking a 24 year old woman is hot
- If single, for sure owns a pet. Identifies as 'cool wine aunt'
- If single, is completely jaded. You know it if you see it. Many girls in their early mid 20s have a whimsical view of world and with dating. Women 30+ cannot hide being bitter
- vocally liberal, feminist
- Proud of her job title that no one gives a shit about
- On anti - depressants and/or has a therapist. In fact, thinks everyone needs a therapist
- Lacks the introspection to understand her lifestyle choices has led her to her current situation. Instead of changing just doubles down on career, brunch with other friends in same boat, chasing after unavailable guys, etc.
Not being sexist either, happy to do one for loser 30+ year old single dudes lmao but they manifest themselves differently
single guy in 30s sounds interesting.. you should do one
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