Proposed US–Canada Peace Agreement

Canadian here.

Since Carney has apparently decided he’s done negotiating for the time being, I figured I’d interject and see if we can get this thing across the finish line.

I have reviewed the situation and believe both sides are being unreasonable so I'm proposing the following settlement:

Canada will remain an independent country.

In exchange, Canadians will stop pretending we could actually defend ourselves if the United States got serious.

The United States will formally stop referring to Canada as the 51st state.”

The United States will recognize Toronto as a “major global city.”

Canada agrees not to ask where it ranks versus New York.

Americans will stop calling Toronto “clean Chicago.”

Canadians will stop saying Toronto is “basically New York but more livable.”

The United States will continue allowing Canadian analysts into New York investment banking (non-negotiable).

All Ivey and Queens students will retain unrestricted access to American coffee chats (we will blacklist the other Canadian schools)

Canadian students will also retain the right to tell every U.S. banker that they are “fully committed to New York long term” despite having spent 21 of their 22 years living in Ontario. In return, Canadians will stop acting surprised when they discover New York bankers make significantly more money.

Canadian analysts will also stop saying “the comp gap isn’t actually that bad once you factor in cost of living.”

RBC may continue describing itself as a global investment bank, Goldman Sachs is under no obligation to acknowledge this.

CIBC, BMO and Scotia will be permitted to call themselves “strong platforms” in New York provided nobody asks for league-table evidence.

National Bank will be shut down. We were planning on doing this anyway, so no concessions are required from the U.S.

Canadian bankers will stop saying “we get much better responsibility here." American bankers will stop responding “yeah because your deals are smaller.”

New York analysts agree not to refer to a $700mm Canadian transaction as “middle market” in front of the Canadian deal team.

Canadian analysts agree not to describe every cross-border deal as “transformational.”

All Canadian first-year analysts will be granted the right to recruit for U.S. private equity without being asked whether they require visa sponsorship six separate times during the same process.

In exchange, Canadians will stop pretending a TN visa is a unique competitive advantage that guarantees them a megafund seat.

The phrase “Bay Street hours with Bay Street pay” will be formally recognized as protected speech.

The United States will not be held liable for any emotional damage caused by WSO compensation threads.

Canada agrees to continue providing the United States with oil, natural gas, uranium, lumber, electricity and various things we dig out of Alberta that neither side fully understands.

The United States agrees to stop saying it “doesn’t need anything from Canada.”

Canada will continue contributing to continental defense through NORAD, Arctic geography, several highly competent soldiers and a vague commitment to increase military spending at some point in the future; the United States will continue contributing the other 97%.

Canadians may continue making jokes about American healthcare, Americans may respond once by mentioning Canadian wait times.

At the border, Americans will stop asking Canadians if we like Trump.

Both parties must recognize that Niagara Falls is better from the Canadian side, this provision is final and not subject to arbitration.

The United States will stop calling Canadian dollars Monopoly money.

Canada may continue referring to Calgary as the “Houston of the North", The United States is under no obligation to know where Calgary is.

Americans will stop saying Canada is irrelevant.

Canadians will stop basing our entire national identity around proving to Americans that Canada is relevant.

Doug Ford will be permitted a maximum of one CNBC appearance per trade dispute.

Most importantly, both countries acknowledge the obvious:

The United States gets:

• energy
• natural resources
• a gigantic peaceful northern border
• hockey players
• Canadians willing to work in your banks

Canada gets:

• the world’s largest customer
• military protection
• access to U.S. capital markets
• Florida
• significantly better banking exit opportunities

This is clearly a mutually beneficial transaction.

I recommend both sides sign immediately.

Carney, Trump — feel free to PM me.