Roe vs Wade: Life of an Investment Banker

You’ve been working hard all week, long nights, to close this billion dollar deal. Your MD commends you for your dedication and gives you the weekend off.

It’s Friday night and you’re ubering back to your apartment. You call up the 6/10 side piece to come over and relax.
You get home, shower and slip into some comfy clothes, make yourself something quick to eat before she arrives and turn on Rick and Morty while you wait.

She texts you that she’s outside, you open the door and see her. You think to yourself: “Is this really the best I can do?” You shrug off that thought as you are very exhausted and just want to lay down with someone.

Jump forward 15 minutes, you’re both on the bed watching a classic movie and begin making out. One thing leads to another and you’re naked about to go deep. You realize you’re all out of condoms and tell your girl. She says it’s fine, you have the green light to rawdog her.

You get a couple pumps in, try to pull out but can’t bring yourself to do it in time. You don’t think much about it, you’re both satisfied, she leaves, and you dont look back.

Fast forward 6 weeks later, you’re pulling another all nighter at work when suddenly you get a text message. It’s her, the slightly below average side chick you hooked up with the other night. She seems anxious, and really wants to meet.
You decide to leave work early and tell her to meet you back at your apartment.

You get to your apartment and wait on her to arrive. She walks in the door, and she utters the words you didn’t think you’d hear until you were in your early 30s, happily married with a house and plenty of disposable income:

“I’m pregnant”

At first, all you hear is an eerie silence, a lack of communication. Your mind is all scrambled as to what to say next as you don’t want to come off as petulant or insensitive.

You think of what to say and land on:

“Ok”

That’s perfect, very subjective, monotonous, she won’t know what to say and hopefully the conversation will end there and she’ll go home.

She gets mad:

“Ok!?!, is that all you have to say, I am carrying YOUR child”

She storms off mad into the bedroom and turns on the TV, it’s CNN, you’re least favorite channel. She turns up the volume and all you hear from the room is something about the Supreme Court and Roe vs Wade.

You don’t really pay attention to it as you are still a little shook from the whole “I’m pregnant” fiasco.

Your thoughts are a little over the place, but you know it will be fine, you’re more than happy to pay for the abortion.

You think of what to say, and march into the room non challantly and say:

“Don’t worry babe, I’ll pay for the Planned Parenthood expense”

She turns back to you, tears in her eyes. You think to yourself: “Did I say something wrong? “

While your thinking about what you said, she whispers:

“It’s been overturned”

You can’t understand her due to her sobbing and crying, you reply with a “What are you talking about”

She yells back at you:

“ITS BEEN OVERTURNED, ROE VS WADE IS GONE, WE HAVE TO KEEP THE BABY”

At first you’re confused, you don’t know what she’s on about. You turn to the TV, listen in closely and hear one of the anchors exclaim:

“Abortions are now in our state, and legislators have passed a bill stating if you cross state lines to get an abortion, you will be prosecuted for murder”

You sit down due to your lightheadedness, you can’t think straight.
Thought running through your mind:

• I don’t want a baby
• I’m not ready for this
• What about my plans to travel the world
• I can’t support a child
• I don’t have parenting skills
• What about the boys trip to Ibiza and Vegas ?
• What about buying your dream car?

All those plans are out the door now, you had a life plan and now it’s all gone to waste.

As your panic attack and anxiety kicks in, you look back on your upbringing and ponder on your parents “values”
You have an epiphany, and realize that these “Christian” values you were taught as a kid were no more than a proxy for degrading woman’s rights.

You regret ever supporting the abolition of planned parenthood, and you’re furious at everyone in your childhood that instilled the idea in your head that abortion was murder and wrong.

You never really thought about it because you were never in a situation that affected you.

You think of alternatives:
- Leave the country
- Kill yourself and bare all responsibility on to the hoe that got pregnant
- Go AWOL
- Change identities

So many thoughts racing through your mind:

“If only I had listened, and be empathetic towards the struggles that BILLIONS of women face across the world, maybe I wouldn’t be in this situation.

You realize that all the times you voted for conservative representatives, you were taking the country a step backwards.

You manage to clear your head, you storm out the apartment without saying a word to your crying “girlfriend”
You head down to the liquor shop, you buy your favorite alcohol and head to your favorite high rise parking lot.
You spend a couple hours there, pondering and thinking about your life choices. Drinking away your sorrows.

You realize there’s no escape:

“I’m having a baby with a 5/10, 6/10 at most on a good day with makeup on and a couple drinks in you”

You always thought you’d have a baby on your own time, with a minimum 8/10, fat ass, decent sized bitties. You thought you had so much control over your life, and all of a sudden it’s turned upside down.

You have another epiphany, and do what any sensible person would do

You send a heartfelt message to your family, tell them you love them, and jump.

While you’re falling, you assure yourself that this was the best choice, you don’t want a kid at this age, and even less with a 5/10.

You hit the floor at 90 mph, barely missing a bystander walking his daughter back from her ballet recital.
Your body beyond recognition, you let life take its course.

At your funeral, your sibling reads an eulogy in your honor, and recites the message you sent your family before you killed yourself:

“If only they had left Roe vs Wade alone, then my life wouldn’t have turned into this”