Life Goes On...
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on.
-Robert Frost
From the outside, my life right now looks great. I graduated with high honors from one of the world's best universities, completed my banking stint in a top tier group and am now happily working at a "very prestigious" (I hate that term) buyside shop. I'm in a relationship with a girl I'm crazy about, I have good friends, I'm attractive, fit and have the world ahead of me. That's what the outside sees. In reality, I'm a messed up kid feeling my way around in the dark through a world that I feel wholly unprepared for.
I grew up poor. At times, I was very, very hungry. The first few months my family was able to crawl out of poverty, I continued to overeat because I still vividly remembered the hunger pains that often kept me awake at night. I lost one of my siblings and I always blamed myself for what happened. I was sexually abused by a relative. I witnessed things in my native country that still send chills down my spine.
And then there were my parents. Sure, my mom loved me and wanted me to be happy, but unfortunately she had no idea what it meant to be a good parent. My dad was an abusive piece of shit that saw me as his competition, not as his son. We still don't speak very often. On an especially bad day, he had once again taken his rage out on my mom, but to rub in the humiliation he had her wipe her own blood off the walls while he stood and watched. I tried to intervene, but I wasn't much of a match.
I, too, was a bit of a piece of shit. I was aggressive and found myself in fights very often. Though I was smart, I was lazy and didn't do all too well in high school, where homework and not exams governed your academic performance. Needless to say, at 16 I looked like I was destined for a mediocre life at best, but probably likely to end up as another case of wasted potential.
I don't know what changed, but one day I started turning things around and ever since I have kept the momentum going. I had the highest grades in my class from the second half of junior year until I graduated. I did extremely well on standardized exams, crafted a golden essay and lucked my way into a school I in no way deserved to go to. And from there I busted my ass to get to where I am today.
I was independent. I earned my own money and paved my own way. I didn't use my past as an excuse to fail. If I didn't make it, I knew it was nobody's fault but my own. I also knew that nobody would care. If one day I broke down because of all the stress, the world would keep on turning as it always had. It was--and is--my life and my life alone. Nobody cares about the struggles I went through. They care about who I am today and who I'm going to be.
And, I guess, that's my message: take responsibility for who you are, where you are now and where you will be. I don't care that it's a tough economy. I don't care that you go to a shitty school. I don't care that an unlucky string of events rendered you less competitive than your peers. And nobody else does either. We will continue living our lives the same way we always had, but you will suffer the curse of your own laziness and incompetence. It's a tough world out there and if you want to compete in an environment as ruthless as Wall Street, you need to forget about the excuses and find a way to succeed. And if you can't? Well, you weren't cut out for this world anyway. Nobody is going to pamper your bruised ego and give you a job just because you want it. You need to earn it.
Mod Note: Best of WSO, this was originally posted September 2011.
It certainly helps in interviews and garners a certain level of respect in social circles as well, but I mostly keep my past to myself. Furthermore, when it comes down to the day-to-day, people forget about where you came from; they care a lot more about your performance on the job. I love that about finance--that I can put my past behind me as long as I can perform well.
Also, as International Pymp said, he finds it impossible to relate to my story. Most people would react the same way were I bold enough to share it outside of this anonymous bubble. Sure, they might be impressed and I may get some pitiful look from them, but it's not going to help me gain their trust and friendship. You end up getting close to the people similar to yourself; my real story doesn't help advance that perception.
I'm fine with that though. Sure, my past helped me become who I am today, but it also left a dark mark on my life that I would just as rather forget.
I have no resentment toward the "heeled for success" kids as long as they bust their ass on the job and don't act snobby / entitled (equally annoying are the super aggressive kids with chips on their shoulders). If they can maintain the motivation to grind it out at the low levels and then make something of themselves on their own merits, I'm as impressed as I am with someone who made it in the harder way. For one, the higher levels of finance are extremely competitive and two, I'm sure having the world handed to you makes it more difficult to motivate yourself and really give a fuck. Finally, breaking into finance involves a relatively short part of your life: some high school and most of college; it's not hard to do well there given a reasonable level of intelligence and work ethic. I think it's significantly harder to force yourself to keep up a high level of performance day in and day out for years when you feel eternally burned out with no light at the end of the tunnel.
I had trouble sleeping last night, so I poured myself a drink (which turned into several) and after reading compbanker's post (I've been on the site for some time on my alias), I was inspired to write something of my own. I'm flattered by the positive feedback; I expected some on my experience, but certainly not in regard to the writing. Either way, I appreciate it.
You're right, my post doesn't really elaborate on the message I wanted to progress and while I intended to tie together the beginning paragraph into a meaningful conclusion, it clearly never turned out that way. Before I go on, I'm aware that my opinions are by no means "right;" I'm still very young and have plenty to learn.
This is some crap from a Disney movie and it sounds silly, but growing up with parents who never told me that they were proud of me or made me feel better when I failed at something made me especially aware of my weaknesses. Additionally, it made it difficult for me to feel comfortable trying anything new because I faced both the internal misery of failure and the ridicule of my parents. I grew up very self-conscious, but not entirely in the traditional sense of the word; I moreso "benefited" by developing a keen understanding of my strengths, weaknesses, drivers, pitfalls, etc.
I understand that I have seemingly countless flaws. I understand that I have my fair share of baggage. I understand that I am no model citizen. At the same time, I made it this far without ever claiming to have everything figured out. Instead, I [somewhat] opened myself up to mentors along the way and wasn't afraid to express my naivety, granted that I always qualified it with an expression of my ability and hunger to excel. What I'm trying to say is: I may look like I know what I'm doing, but it's only because someone else told me what to do. And I listened. I listened even when the advice ran contrary to my own preconceived notions because I was willing to subdue my ego and accept the wisdom of someone more qualified and experienced. They shared candid truths with me because I put them at ease and connected; I acknowledged my inadequate knowledge, reminded them of the ambitious kids they once were, and made them feel good for having been able to help someone they liked. You don't always have to position yourself as the self-sufficient know-it-all: vulnerability is key to growing, establishing meaningful connections and advancing your career.
While I love my job, I now find myself surrounded by people much older and more experienced than me--and yet I'm supposed to catch up in what seems like an impossibly brief period of time. I don't feel ready for it in the least. And, if I fail, I have nothing to fall back on. I also often wonder if I'm ready for all the stress the job will undoubtedly bring, as I still have a Gordian Knot of intrapersonal entanglements I need to sift through.
I don't recall any sort of epiphany or monumental life event that finally lit a fire under my ass. Instead, it was a slow and gradual shift that eventually gained enough momentum to effect real change. It was about slowly building discipline, figuring out what I wanted for myself and how to get there, and executing on that plan. I had countless missteps and failures along the way, but I made sure that every week, month and year was an improvement on the previous one. It started off with forcing myself to run 5x a week in scorching heat during the summer, to slowly harden the doughy mass I called my willpower. From there, it was about being more organized, chipping away at procrastination, etc. There was never a big push that garnered dramatic results. Instead, it was the accumulation of dozens of small improvements that, over time, made a meaningful impact.
Why finance? Part of it was finding a field that would allow me to pursue my megalomaniacal fantasies of wealth and success and part of it was getting as far away from the life I had as quickly as I could. Now, it's mostly about pursuing the things that make me happy: competition, challenge, learning, etc.
My point is that you need to forget about the recession. You need to forget about the things you can't change. There's absolutely no use in worrying about a sovereign debt crisis in Europe and the resulting shockwave that has companies enacting hiring restrictions or freezes en masse. It's hard to keep it off your mind because of how desperately you want a job. The whole situation has you feeling like life is unfair: if ONLY you had graduated earlier / later, right? Well, that's how things are and you need to deal with it. Beyond the basics: networking, preparing well for interviews and trying to distinguish yourself as a candidate, you need to learn to open yourself up to constructive criticism and learn how to fix the flaws that may hold you back in interviews. There's a distinct dichotomy in recruiting and it seems that the mediocre and poor interviewers frequently blame external factors for their failure, while those who are now good modified their approach based on queues they picked up from past interviews, networking sessions, etc. Be like the latter.
Furthermore, I know it gets taxing applying and applying and applying and getting absolutely nowhere. You can sulk and let desperation take over, or you can maintain positivity and keep going at it. One of my best friends (I love the guy to death) struggles with girls. Still, he manages to get laid more often than most people I know, simply because he keeps smiling and keeps trying; eventually someone says yes.