Too Incompetent for IB
I am a student from a poor background who has gotten to a target and secured a return offer to a top BB in NYC. But here's the thing. My memory is absolutely shot. I have no recollection of the past, can only think in the present, and have no ability to think about the future. And I mean that literally. My brain has just "checked out" and I cannot imagine having to complete tasks in IB anymore with the amount of daily functional inhabitance I am experiencing. It's fucking bad. I don't even remember much of the internship I had done last year at my bank, for which I had received pretty good reviews. I have always had a meh memory and high anxiety, but I genuinely fucked now.
I don't know guys, sorry to be a dramatic loser, but if it takes me 5 hours to draft or respond to an email because I'm too scared and I can't read or retain anything for exams in school... what's the point in taking the job if the workload and expectations for perfection are going to not reconcile with my mental state of mind? Doctors tell me it's anxiety, ADHD, depression, brain fog. They don't know what's going on. People are waiting for me. I can't deliver on it. I'm a fucking pussy it seems like that.
I know the freshman or sophomore kid in me who was hungry to break out of poverty is shaking his head.
Imposter syndrome
Also, go get checked for ADHD and potentially mental health (not trying to imply anything, but memory loss is common with underlying issues)
Imposter Syndrome and low self-esteem is clearly affecting me. It always has. I am getting an ADHD test next week, but truth be told, I already used ADHD medications for 3 months and it backfired...
I was literally thinking about this just now. I was diagnosed with it recently but have yet to follow through pursuing medication. However, I have a friend from college that switched to a non-stimulant and he said he's enjoyed it a lot since he gets a similar level of productivity without the tension associated with stimulant ADHD medication.
Beyond that, something that will especially be important are lifestyle changes (making sure you're hydrating, exercising, sleeping, etc.). That is a lot easier than said, and will especially be hard while in IB, but every little bit helps. There are a lot of posts/comments about that on here.
Man I am sorry to be such a bummer, but I am seriously so depressed that I can't do any of those things. I genuinely think I am a dumb ass who slipped through the cracks. I know the evidence says otherwise but I can't find that kid in me who was eager to learn. I can't bruteforce through this and I have 4 months until training.
I understand how you feel, I empathize completely as I feel it a lot too. That being said, there's no time like the present to start turning your life around. This will pay dividends for your self-esteem. You've accomplished a lot that you deep down are proud about, don't take that away from yourself. We're here to support you.
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Frodo: "I wish it need not have happened in my time."
Gandalf: "So do I, and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." (The Fellowship of the Ring)
Honestly, I think you just said it: depression. Not saying go start taking SSRIs or anything. But following Pierogi's advice of hail hydrate, nutrition, exercise, rest (not just sleep as a whole). Another one that keeps me moving is speaking with a therapist. Have you thought about that? There's no shame in that game and anyone who tells you otherwise probably has the affect where their daughter winds up on a pole.
One other maybe leftfield idea: maybe are you afraid of your own success OP? You mention coming up out of poverty so you've never known how high you can fly before. Going back to the therapist comment.
I have a therapist, started very recently.
And 100% on the leftfield idea: I am petrified that I have gotten to this level and shutdown. My parents expected me to go to some local university (or community) yet I delivered so tremendously, but that childhood trauma of seeing your brother meth'd up and your parents constantly fighting and telling you you're not as capable as your brother gets to you. That, on top of that I have never grasped anything fully. I can't learn shortcuts and be a fast and effective learner unless someone sits down and shows me exactly how to do it, and even then, I will nod like a idiot and forget / not remember how to apply what i just learned.
I agree holistically. While I am the last thing from a doctor, my purely anecdotal experience w/ SSRIs was largely negative. The majority of them work in a way similar to chemotherapy - chemo destroys the bad cells but also kicks a lot of good ones. Generally speaking, antidepressants parallel this with the 'good' vs 'bad' feelings. Your lows will be less low, but it equally drains your high points, frequently making you feel 'okay'. However, I think 'okay' is the wrong word to describe it, as it largely turns you away from emotional connection and makes you feel numb.
During my stint with them, I didn't feel much of anything. I lost interest in many activities I once loved, and spent a lot of time in my bedroom or watching TV. The tradeoff may be worth it for some but it wasn't for me. I largely feel as if the SSRI influx has been pushed on by way too many physicians and pharma reps, leading to a dependency on them by many of our youth and young adults - myself included. Glad I got out of that.
To OP - I largely recommend you focus on your inputs, changing your internal mindset if possible, and understanding your limitations. Please speak to someone about your issues, being open and honest with them. You may be surprised at what you'll find. If you can make some changes to the intrinsic factors in your life, you may quickly find that external responses will follow. Best of luck.
Hey man, see what the test says. Take it from someone with ADHD, anxiety is a very natural outcome, as are issues with self-esteem and depression. Pretty much describing me pre-diagnosis.
The avenues of treatment have progressed quite a bit since the old days of "just put them on medication". I tried the meds, was not a positive outcome for me. Worked great for other people, just wasn't right for me. I did a combination of CBT and regular therapy. Others I know did a combination of all three and all variations in between.
It's challenging because finding the right professional is key. Some are very fixated on their ways, others work with you to see what is effective and what isn't. I found my guy on the third try.
Hang in there man. This really is a solvable issue if you take the right steps. As others have pointed out, things you can do on your end are healthy eating, working out, getting enough sleep (really important).
In today’s society ADHD is a term that is so used that some people get to the point where they think they have it just because when they were young they had some issues in school. Not saying you dont have sth like that, but our perception of ourselves shape a lot of aspects of our mind and body (ex: if you think you are weak and cant lift weights, you are definitely going to lift less heavy than you truly can. Same with mental tasks). I am saying this because you got good reviews in your internship and got a return offer, so you are good at the job.
Also, if u smoke weed quit that its bad for memory.
And anyways, what is the solution. If you truly have some type of problem, why change the good situation that you are at ( a “mentally stimulating” job) to an “easier” job that continues to feed that “mental weakness”?
Re: Mentally stimulating job... because I don't think I can keep up with the pace. I have serious "learn on the spot" problems i.e. if someone sits down in front of me and explains everything, I still won't lock onto it. I'd have to go back and review notes or just nod like an idiot. It happened during my internship, but it's unbearable at this point. I get bored and never learn things fully: shortcuts, etc. I feel like I worked hard to earn my grades and positions but never picked up any skills (or forgot about most of them) at this point
You are overthinking this. You're getting inside your own head. I do this too - its common, you can get past this. IB isn't that mentally challenging. I would recommend hard workout sessions in the gym to help your mind as well as rest and a healthy diet. Maybe you need benzos - talk to a psychiatrist.
Fake it til you make it
It seems like you’ve taken some steps already which is great. Do not sell yourself short - if you have a return offer you must have done something right. You seem aware of your challenges, so use that to cope.
Examples of strategies to handle the on the job learning: when someone briefs you on something:
When is the last time you had dental work done? This is a serious question. Dental issues have strong links to memory issues. Just noting that you said you were from a poor background and dental care is of the biggest health issues among the poor.
What's the link?
?
Dude honestly though you're not expected to do brain surgery, you're not getting shot at, you don't have to cold call all day and get rejected, you just have to sit at your desk and go on Excel and PPT and stuff and that's it. Don't psyche yourself out. Once you get in the groove of your new job, you will laugh at your self doubts.
You guys are correct. I am going to change my mentality to "I can't" to "I can" and "I will" as well as incorporate action steps. I am going in and fucking killing this job. Screw that loser victim mentality that society instills so deep into people.
Yessss bro - take the bull by the horns - you got this!!!!!
Echo this one. People make it seem like you have to be a genius to be a banker truth be told the job is simple. Don´t sweat it
Check your bloods with an endocrinologist— often adhd meds are overprescribed when the symptoms also match that of hormonal imbalances and low T. I may sound crazy but Huberman’s talked about this extensively.
I don't think it is endocrinological. Seems more like a neurological problem that benzos might help. Maybe ADHD medicine like Vivanse as well.
With this current job market and economy, specifically amid the speculation of layoffs, do you think the firm will be open to pushing back my start date? I mean honestly I resonate a lot with what you guys are saying and believe I can pull through in a yr or so but it would be difficult within the next few months, you feel?
Perhaps anxiety? You're post reads like you're very anxious and I know from personal experience when I get super stressed I don't form any memories
It sounds like you just have ADHD
Hey man, not to wantonly brush off your concerns, but they didn't just give you a return offer for no reason. You outperformed the median of your peer group and they want you to come back and continue how you did last summer. It's possible that what you think is not good enough is in fact good enough.
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