Betches Love This: Investment Bankers
PR girls majored in him. He’s dead to at least a few people. You don’t need a JP Morgan access pass to find him, but you will need to prepare for a sense of entitlement that makes him the closest thing to husband material since Scott Disick came out as straight. Though we’ve already established that betches love a bro who went #62 pro, we’d like to take a moment to talk about a special kind of professional that’s near and dear to our bar tab: The Investment Banker (IB).
The IB we speak of is specific. He’s not a first year analyst, because that’s like the equivalent of fucking a college freshman. No betch wants to be seen next to a Men’s Warehouse summer sale. If the suit fits and is designer, it’s probably the kind of IB we’re entertaining. He’s a seasoned pro who's figured out how to spend his expendable income (on you) and only checks his watch to make sure it’s still a Rolex. His apartment is almost too organized to function, and his closet looks like it has items we might even borrow. They called him anal boy in college ‘cause he was neat aaaaand orderly
Though we’re not interested in what he does while he’s at work, we’ve accidentally internalized enough to know what’s going on. The IB works craaaaazy long hours cracking jokes about the Euro, trading his soul on the stock market, showing off his antique Blackberry, comparing the subtle differences between eggshell and bone business cards with other IBs, and expensing dates at Hakkasan. He usually takes on one or two summer interns... from places like Michael Kors.
Everybody knows that the way to a betch’s heart is through the shady shadows of subtexts and coke-dicks. These pros wrote the fucking book on spinning major crises to make them seem like a minor blip on the radar. His second family in Westchester is about as big of a deal to him as the subprime mortgage crisis of 2007. I meannnn, these guys work for the assholes that casually privatized water in Bolivia. That’s hot.
Betches can get with the IB for a lot of reasons. Because he’s naturally competitive, he works out like he’s training for more than a lifetime desk job making tens of millions and obviously, he pursues us. He wouldn’t have been allowed to touch us six years ago, so he had plenty of time to perfect his mind game and keeps us interested. He’s 25 for at least ten years and parties like it by clubbing at Lavo with his IB besties, read: a mixed bag of inappropriately old/married men and the younger bros he does coke with. Plus, he's into the fact that we’re high maintenance because so is he. Like, he understands the importance of a 10-step skin routine and gets it when we say 600 fucking thread count, sateen weave or you can’t fucking sleep with us.
If we do sleep with him, he’ll probably thank us in the morning. And before we can be so over it we'll never be under it again, he offers to call us a car service to aid in our getting the fuck out. We are attracted to the fact that he is as disinterested in us as we are in him. He really gets me. We like, don’t even talk in the morning.
The bottom line is that, just like actors are deep down just annoying fucking theater kids, when betches see past their tailored suits, SAB-like arrogance and black Amex, investment bankers are just nerds who can’t believe they’re finally talking to us. Cut to him refreshing his Facebook page, waiting for our friend confirmation to “Baby You’re A Rich Man” by The Beatles. It’s like that lawyer from The Office said to Zuck, IBs aren’t assholes. They’re just trying so hard to be.
Mod note (Andy) - Throwback Thursday, his was a syndication/guest post from betcheslovethis.com and was originally posted 7/16/12, enjoy...
and some of the comments from the readers on their site:
All I can think of when I read this...
An ex of mine used to use the line "Do you work at Goldman? No? Then fuck off then" when guys hit on her at bars. She was fun.
I don't ever want to have to wake up to this on WSO again
Ditto
How do you feel now, 4 years later
Wow, it looks like Bankerella writes for two websites.
I want to pretend this isn't real...but it could be.
When I see a pretty girl walking down the street, I think two things. One part wants me to take her out, talk to her, be real nice and sweet and treat her right.
Think you forgot something... Or am I missing the joke here?
What'd the other part say? And is it shish kebob related?
I never thought the day would come when someone on WSO would miss an American Psycho reference
I believe, and correct me if I'm wrong, it is taco and sausage related.
wtf is this shit...???
For the sake of all that is good on WSO, please never have another article like this on the front page ever again.
wtf is happening?
There are no girls with good personalities.
Facts of life.
why do you think this is? or better yet, add your thoughts to the interview answers
I'm upset at the lack of American Psycho reference-getting that's going on in this thread Andy that goes for you too :p
Everyone on this thread that missed the A.P. reference is part of that whole Yale thing
I think I know a thing or two about what the ladies like...
andy :( you better apologise for this going on front page
you guys know you love it. blastoise, do you order them a taxi in the morning or a limousine?
No No , he should be a gentleman. Walk her to the subway station and swipe your metrocard for her.
he orders them a rickshaw.
Only 600 thread count? Hm.
+1. 1000 thread count, Egyptian Cotton, right??
What a load of utter shit! The least this "betch" could've done is write the article in english...
wtf.
Well mistake #1 would be thinking bankers give a damn with betches think
This website is Cray Cray. Seriously:
"The Finance/Consulting/HR Betch: This betch is cut throat. You need to be, if you're going to endure the grueling recruitment process for banks and consulting firms. But don’t worry, the payoff is huge. Not only will your paycheck be above-average as soon as you graduate, but you don’t even need a professional degree! The extra perk of these jobs is that this is where most bros work after college, so there’s easy access to a large pool of great-on-paper husbands.
Caveat: You might be working 16 hours a day, so consider yourself fucked if you aren’t considering fucking your boss....
...So, next time your parents harass you to set up a meeting with your college’s Career Services, just tell them you’ve already been to Betch Career Services and you’ve got it covered. You have three years of work ahead of you, who needs an afternoon meeting getting in the way of today’s afternoon drinking?"
From http://www.betcheslovethis.com/article/Betches-Love-This-Job-Guide-to-P…
If these are the girls you are using as your point of reference, no wonder some guys having difficulty believing that girls have personalities.
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