By Popular Demand: Ranking The Douchiest People You Will Meet On Wall Street, Non Target Edition

With no further ado, from most to least douchey...

The SEC Frat God:
Perhaps the most identifiable of all the non-target Analysts, mostly because he looks like the exact opposite of everyone else around him. Instead of the gelled slick-back, he's rocking a poorly trimmed Frat Mop on top of his head, and he seems to perpetually have a five o'clock shadow. Rumor has it there's at least one building at UGA named after his great-grandfather and every man in his family since the Mayflower has been either an SAE, KA or Sig Nu. His top tier fraternity status explains why he hooks up with the hottest blonde chicks in the city, despite his eyes being a little too close together - kind of giving him that southern-inbred look. He speaks normally around the MDs and VPs but as soon as you put a beer in his hand after hours, he affects a Matt Mcconaughey esque southern twang and you can't help but wonder if he practices it. Whenever he talks about life outside of the SEC states, he acts like he's speaking of a foreign country full of wacky aliens and he can't quite look the token black analyst in the eyes. He still hasn't gotten over the civil war and...come to think of it, this guys a fucking racist cokehead.

The Back-Office Kid From JMU, Maryland or Towson:
Fuck.This.Kid. He has the perfect hair for a classic finance slick-back but grows it out at least four inches too long to maintain his look as a high-school lax bro. He tells every girl that he meets that he "works on wall street doing finance and shit", and always strikes out downtown, then proceeds to tell everyone at the office about how he almost nailed this dime last weekend. One time you made the mistake of asking him if he sealed the deal or not, to which he just replied, "Nah bro, I was plantin' seeds tho". He desperately wants to impress the front-office guys because they remind him of his high-schools popular kids, but his method of doing so is the absolute worst. When you see him in the elevators you know your fucked, as he proceeds to tell you how dank the bud he smoked this morning was. The doors finally open and he says "turn-up" and goes in for the fist bump. Thank god he's not going to get a return offer.

The Way Too Loyal Penn State Hardo:
This kid changes his work email signature to "We Are - Penn State", the very first day. Due to his Penn State phone case, Penn State tie and Penn State pen, you can probably guess where he went to school before introductions begin. He was definitely in a fraternity and starts to short-circuit when you mention the recent greek life controversies that have occurred at his school. "It's just like bro, I get that shit is all PC now bro, but seriously like we have freedom of assembly and stuff bro. In two years they wont even have frats anymore yo. It's such bullshit bro. And Joe Paterno had no idea about what was going on in those locker-rooms either bro. Don't even get me started. Fuck Upenn dude, that shits for nerds." Despite being the most-likely kid in the analyst pool to become a cult-member, he's still a super decent guy and WAY more tolerable than the ivy-leaguers. If you ever want to throw a social hand-grenade out there just ask The Penn State Hardo and the SEC Frat God which college football conference is the best.

The Canadian Kid:
You're pretty certain he's gay as soon as you meet him, but then you realize he's just from Canada. You feel kind of bad for him because the SEC Frat God won't quit asking him stupid questions, like "So like, whadd'yall do on Sundays up 'er in Cay-na-duh if yall aint got football? Is it true there aint no black people up 'er neither???? Matt Mcconaughey voice: Alright, alright, alright." He spends a lot of time convincing the other non-target kids that Canada is actually quite similar to the United States, but the SEC Frat God is still not convinced that he's not an alien. If he's lucky enough to be from Waterloo, Toronto or McGill he can probably fit in with the target school kids.

The Super Hot HR Intern/Secretary From A School Literally No One Has Ever Heard Of:
"What do you mean that creepy VP/douchebag Associate is a jerk? He's always so nice to me!!!!"

Comments (9)

Best Response
Feb 25, 2018 - 3:55pm
Scobey, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Real quote, "You think this s**t is hard? Try pledging."

“How do you measure yourself against other golfers” “By height”
  • 28
Feb 25, 2018 - 6:46pm
WidespreadPanic90, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Spot on. Should also mention that that the BO kid from JMU, Towson or UMD mention that they "could've" gone to UVA/Georgetown but they couldn't turn down the chance to play club lax at Towson.

"That was basically college for me, just ya know, fuckin' tourin' with Widespread Panic over the USA."

  • 10
  • Anonymous Monkey's picture
  • Anonymous Monkey
  • Rank: Chimp
Feb 25, 2018 - 10:26pm
Anonymous Monkey, what's your opinion? Comment below:
The Super Hot HR Intern/Secretary From A School Literally No One Has Ever Heard Of:"What do you mean that creepy VP/douchebag Associate is a jerk? He's always so nice to me!!!!"

I heard that exact line used a week ago, followed by a:

"Stephanie, are you serious?!? I never heard that. I am SHOOK. He spent an hour helping me [perfect my model / bind a pitch book / whatever]. He's always been kind to me."

Feb 26, 2018 - 11:49am
mid535, what's your opinion? Comment below:

What about all the 250k Catholic schools in the NE and CA?

Compensation is not commensurate with education.
  • 3
  • 4
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Sep 11, 2018 - 6:02pm
nicolasdumaydrh, what's your opinion? Comment below:

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