COVID-19 Dating tips

F**k GOOGLE. Stop listening to people who are just seeking traffic for Ad runs. The answers are in your bathroom mirror. Go take a look!

ACCEPT MANHOOD You’re a flawed man indeed but so is Earth’s 23hr 56min 4sec day. Accept and appreciate the flaws just as much as you flaunt the strengths.

YOU ARE IN CHARGE You have two balls and a pole between your legs. The world ends and begins with your semen. Don’t believe me? Stop watching Lion King and go watch Discovery Channel’s lion pride!

NEVER ASK/TAKE ADVICE FROM WOMEN Opinions are welcomed but never appear in need of direction. They can sense insecurity/uncertainty like my dog senses the fear in Chad when he comes over for Sunday Night Football.

BE TRUE TO YOURSELF If there’s no mutuality to be had on beliefs, thoughts, topics, etc, simple say “That’s not how I’m wired.” There’s no such thing as compromise. Just ask Jimmy Carter about the Panama Canal deal.

“NEVER YIELD TO FORCE.” Wise words from the great Winston Churchill. Your way or the highway. Tattoo that on your f**king soul if you have to.

IMPRESSIONS IS AN ENTERTAINER’S JOB Are you an actor? F**k no. You’re a future deal closing MD. Save the jokes/humiliation for the fellas, at least you’ll be rewarded with Macallan doubles.

NEVER EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS. EVEN IF YOU THINK SHE’S “THE ONE.” Mystery is your best friend. If she tries picking cotton from the plantation simply lash her with COVID-19 whips. Market conditions. Shit, the Kardashians. Whip her with anything but the god damn truth.

UPHOLD YOUR OATH TO THE CONSTITUTION Does Congress go around changing our amendments every time a party lobbies? No. So why the hell should you? “All I have in this world is my balls.” -Tony Montana. Never break them. For nobody.

LASTLY, WE DON’T MAKE LOVE FELLAS. The only love story that actually exists, if I can recall, is a Romeo and Julieta.

80% mystery. 10% Asshole. 7% Apathetic. 3% Gentlemen.

MYSTERY: Never submit. Do that and you lose all leverage. She’ll pull all of her VC shortly after the IPO regardless of how AMZN it was. Women must be the first submit, no exceptions; NONE. You don’t get on one knee until she’s gotten on both ;)

ASSHOLE: Let me be clear, how you treat your friends in asshole mode versus women are two entirely different entities. If you’ve maintained your mystery, what you utter resonates with her mind, body and clit. Bashing her dress size, makeup indulgence, eating habits, etc. is pure BETA and just frankly makes you a bitch for tolerating it. Do you not deserve better, BETA? Asshole examples include shit like... you know?! Being an asshole. It can’t be taught.

APATHETIC: Remain ignorant to all orthodoxes and traditions. This only works in your favor if you’re maintaining the spice and charm. She’ll despise you for requesting a fork at Nobu but the blatant audacity will sizzle her sushi and that’s good for you, especially if it’s winter.

GENTLEMEN: Aside from chivalrous acts, your words and your words only, should be gentle. Buying her stuff has absolutely nothing to do with being a gentleman, it’s called charity. Bestowing names like Babe, Love, Darling (whichever flows better off your tongue) alleviates her confused little brain. She knows you’re lying 99.9% of the time but no worries mate, that .01% is the reason Trump still got her vote. Forehead kisses go a long way too, it’s “daddy’s little girl” nostalgia all over again the only difference is... :) Plus studies deem foreheads safer and risk averse. Stephanie will clean her face before she cleans what Bradley Wellington the Third left in her mouth.

Good luck out here boys. Godspeed.