Early 30s. I've had two serious relationships (defining serious as 1y+ and living together) - one in my early 20s, and now one that I've currently been in for 3 years and counting.
In the intervening years I was either single or in semi-committed relationships of a few months each and loved it. Dating, experiencing that honeymoon period over and over again is borderline addictive. I actually have a semi-serious theory that that's the natural state for us males: dating transiently, enjoying the honeymoon period rush and - from a theoretical perspective - impregnating lots of women. The normalisation of the relationship and the boredom that follows is nature's way of telling us to move onto another one. I digress.
It's not just the dating aspect of being single that I love. I genuinely just love living alone and having my own space. I'm a neat freak and even though my girlfriend tries, and I gave her an entire bedroom for her clothes, there's always a huge pile of (her) laundry somewhere. Or I'll just randomly find electronics in places I wouldn't expect such as a laptop in the bathroom or w/e. Or bags of clothes that she's ordered online just sitting by the door, waiting to be returned because they don't fit or look good or w/e. Beyond all that, she's just always there. I don't know how to articulate why that bothers me, but it just feels like my space isn't my own anymore.
But, my brain tells me this is irrational. There's no reason for me to break up with my girlfriend. Of everyone I've dated, we match by far the best. She's always cheery and happy to see me. She's loving and devoted. Even if she's not as career focused as say, someone in finance or law or whatever, she's intelligent and has a decent job that she's clearly good at. Even though I pay most of our bills she's never demanding or materialistic. Basically, I don't think I could ever meet a girl who is better for me than she is.
Is this just a maturity thing - over time will I stop yearning to be single? Or am I just tapping into something that a lot of people feel but are too scared to ever act on? Or am I just wired differently from your average person? Would love to get some thoughts, especially from the older monkeys on here
Based on the most helpful WSO content, your feelings are not uncommon, and they touch on a mix of personal preferences, societal expectations, and biological tendencies. Here's a breakdown of the key points to consider:
Yearning for the Single Life:
Many people, especially in their early 30s, reflect on the freedom and excitement of single life. The "honeymoon period" rush you describe is indeed addictive for some, and there's a biological basis for this. Evolutionarily, transient relationships and novelty can be appealing, particularly for men, as they align with certain primal instincts. However, this doesn't mean it's the "natural state" for everyone—it's more about individual wiring and preferences.
Living Alone vs. Sharing Space:
Your love for personal space and neatness is a valid preference. Sharing a home with someone inevitably means compromises, and it can feel like your space is no longer entirely your own. This is a common adjustment in relationships, and it often requires open communication and setting boundaries to maintain a sense of individuality.
Rationalizing the Relationship:
From your description, your girlfriend seems like a great match—loving, supportive, and not overly demanding. The fact that you're questioning your feelings rather than acting impulsively shows maturity. It's worth noting that long-term relationships often require a shift in mindset, focusing less on the initial "rush" and more on deeper, sustained connection and partnership.
Maturity and Perspective:
Over time, many people find that their priorities shift. The excitement of single life and transient relationships may lose its appeal as the value of stability, companionship, and shared goals becomes more apparent. However, this isn't universal—some people are genuinely happier single or in less traditional relationship structures. The key is understanding what truly fulfills you.
What Older Monkeys Say:
Threads on WSO often highlight the importance of relationships in providing long-term fulfillment. While the single life can be fun and liberating, many find that deep, meaningful connections—whether with a partner, family, or close friends—are what truly matter in the long run. As one user put it, "At the end of the day, what truly matters are these relationships you have with others... Focusing purely on short-term happiness leads to a very empty feeling long-term."
Suggestions:
Ultimately, there's no "one-size-fits-all" answer. Some people outgrow the yearning for single life, while others realize they thrive in it. The key is to be honest with yourself and your partner about what you truly want.
Sources: Are you happy with your life?, https://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forum/investment-banking/are-you-happy-with-your-life?customgpt=1, Really sad about growing up, Really sad about growing up, How I'll survive graduation and you will to
Oftentimes our own yearning for control of our own life and space comes from a childhood where we had little autonomy or control over our destiny. I had to deal with my own issues here with friends and relationships in therapy, where it really came out how much my childhood lack of control affected my own relationships. I'd consider therapy and trying to find out if there's an underlying problem here that is causing you to feel so strongly about this.
It's not immaturity, it's your brain reacting to what it sees as a return to a time period where you were much less in control and much more at risk, and your brain is reacting by pushing this external threat away.
Never had a gf. Life is paradise. Keep grinding king.
I relate a lot to your mindset and your theory overall, definitely think that is one of the natural states for men. That said the presence of a person like that just being there doesn't bother me it's the opposite in that regard, where I am actually happy they're there (assuming it's someone that doesn't irritate or annoy me and is loving as you describe). Actually very quaint for them to just be there and us to do different things in the same space; it's a cozy feeling to me. All that said, your gf sounds lovely and like the perfect partner. I think you're just used to enjoying your own space more and having total ownership over your surrounding and setting so it may feel a bit off. You have maybe the perfect girl if many things match and she is someone who dotes over you from the sound of it AND she's intelligent but not overly career oriented. That's literally the goal bro.
Hey man -- I remember reading your post some years back on Growing Up Sucks and feeling the same way. Stuck. Not happy. Feeling pessimistic about the future relative to the college & childhood days.
I'm extremely happy to say that period in my life is over. The reason? One of your posters actually said it best, it's because I found a woman I truly love and am getting married to. It's mindblowing how much this has changed my life in positive ways. I don't feel anxious about the future anymore (whether it's AI or politics or whatever I know that we'll figure it out together), I feel like I have a true lifelong companion that I can count, I'm just content spending time at home with her, etc etc
I suspect I'll find even more joy once we have kids...kids are magical in the sense that they experience everything for the first time. Whether it's as simple as snow or Disneyworld or whatever, I think that enriches your experiences of things too. With my soon to be wife, even taking trips to places I've been to before is exciting again as she hasn't been to those places and I see things that I would've underappreciated
Spoke with a colleague recently who I remember a year back was frustrated by his lack of career upward mobility at his current firm. Guy complained non stop for years about it. He just got married. Now? He's happy as a clam, says that overall life is good and his career has just become a much smaller consideration. It completely changed his perspective.
So I'll reiterate that advice -- find the right woman. It's harder vs. 10-15yrs ago due to social media brainrot / dating apps and the entitltement that brings, but I promise you those women are out there. No, I don't yearn for the single life at all anymore -- I've found the one
I’ve been with my wife for 12 years now and would never want to be single in this day and age, but If you want to be single, just be single. It’s a terrible idea to do something you don’t really want to do because of societal pressures. People who go with the flow because it’s “logical” are the same people stuck in unhappy marriages, get caught cheating, have kids they don’t want, etc.
There’s no reason to be in a relationship if you don’t want to be and there is no reason to be forever single if you want to settle down. Know yourself and what you want and then go do it.
I’m a long term relationship type and with my gf now wife over half my life by now. I consider myself lucky.
Around 15 years ago, I read the book, Think and Grow Rich, and Chapter 11 is titled The Mystery of Sex Transmutation. It’s a fascinating read and made me think about how sexual desire drives people to do achieve a lot (ie learn a foreign language).
Not really talked about, but the partial inverse, could be being in a long, stable relationship with someone you’re sexually attracted to. And, besides kids and family, the time and mindspace savings can be quite large.
Have you or anyone counted the number of hours one thinks about or plans the date, or think about what the other person you are getting with is thinking about (whom you barely know)?
The desire to achieve is still there and I think your mental energy is more available when you are no longer on the meat market.
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