GOLDIE has a Tongue Tie. Like a BIG FUCKIN BABY

My wife was seeing this chiropractor when she was pregnant. I don't fuck with doctors at all. Don't do checkups. Don't do dentists. Don't do nuna dat. I just stay doing specimen shit and scoffing. I always say, 'The history of science and medicine is most people being wrong about most things most of the time.' Yet people love to think the times they happen to live in got it all figured out. Anyway.

This chiro was helping her out. And I liked the sound of her. She was into a lot of the same woowoo shit I was into. I said, 'Fuck it I'll go talk to this horseback riding witchdoctor.' On account of chronic pain I've been dealing with for most of my life. But I gave up on finding a cure and have been doing all kinds of shit myself to manage symptoms. Large part of the cause for my disenfranchisement with the whole medical whatever.

I stopped going after 4 sessions because she gave me strong quack vibes. Like a duck with a Theragun. But she did mention one thing that struck me. She said she thinks I might have a tongue tie. LIKE A BIG FUCKING BABY. And referred me to a specialty dentist who deals with adult tongue ties. This could explain my chronic pain and my fucked-up forehead-first presentation at birth leading to C-section. This shit is common, is typically discovered at birth, corrected easily, and the mouth goes on to develop fine. That's when you have proper medical care. But I was born in a post-Soviet shithole in 1992. Communism - All the trappings of modernity without any of the advantages.

This was like six months ago. I missed my first appointment because I was busy driving around smoking pot, contemplating suicide, and firing clients at the time. Got my shit together, secretaryassistantwife re-booked it, and I had my appointment two days ago. They took pictures of my mouth and then did a cat-scan for your head type dealio on me. Turns out I have a severe tongue tie, lip tie, my tongue is way too big for my mouth, and my windpipe is 34% the circumference it's supposed to be at the narrowest chokepoint. I probably have sleep apnea which would explain why I sleep 5 hours a night and wake up in a mild panic attack in a puddle of sweat daily. So I'm gonna have a sleep study done next so hopefully insurance will cover some of this shit but I'm doing it regardless.

The fix would be this shit called maxillomandibular advancement surgery followed by releasing the tongue tie with a laser followed by sleeping with a mouth device and probably braces too. Bye, money. Because if they just release the tongue tie now, it'll be even more cramped in my mouth and I'll probably need a CPAP immediately and might bite my tongue off at some point.

This came as a huge surprise because I always assumed that because I have a nice jawline and face situation going on, all is good. That's like the whole reason why humans find certain traits attractive and others not. You see these anteater looking nerd boys walking around and yeah of course they come from weak stock and have lived weak lives so their shitty faces make sense. Their parents probably fed them mush as toddlers and their jaws never developed. They sucked on pacifiers 'til they were 3 promoting shitty jaw & palate development. They're not athletes. Their moms probably had them later in life with a low-T dude they settled with and that pattern's been repeated for generations and now this Glenn Greenwald looking motherfucker is walking down the street sucking on a strawberry robot dick playing angry birds. They spend all day looking down at their phones and sitting at desks. So yeah weak jaws makes sense.

I'm not looking forward to the recovery from this surgery. I am stoked though that I have a solid lead with test results and scans and a gameplan with people who know what they're doing. I've seen so many fucking doctors who told me it's all in my head. And so many others who spent a bunch of my time and money running me through the treatments they happened to do after explaining super confidently yet vaguely that they had the answer. I also kind of am looking forward to looking even more aggressive because I've really embraced that shit and it's very useful. And how has no dentist I've ever seen figured this shit out? All my experience with doctors throughout my life and the experiences of my family and everything my sister told me from her days as a pharma sales rep has me feeling very fuck doctors.

So they're gonna cut and push out my upper and lower jaw to make more room in there and then snip my already-oversized tongue to flop out into that shit and I'm gonna look like a fucking ape with invisalign. But I'll be able to breathe and sleep better and hopefully my pain goes away and maybe I'll stop feeling like dogshit constantly.