I got a top EB offer but my parents still don’t love me

i remember being six and running home with the little paper that said “star student of the week”
glued gold stars on it myself because the teacher ran out showed mom like it was an oscar
she patted my head once, said “good,” then asked why i didn’t get “super star” like cousin did

i spent the next month trying to figure out what invisible extra thing cousin had that i didn’t
by middle school i learned the script:
do everything perfectly → wait for the “but”
the “but” always came but your room, but your attitude, but cousin already speaks better mandarin, but cousin helps with dishes without being told

i started collecting the “buts” like they were pokemon got a full set by tenth grade
high school graduation everyone crying and hugging my parents took one photo, cropped cousin into the frame later for the group chat
caption: “our son did well too ❤️”
the “too” did more damage than any low grade ever could college, law school, interviews, callbacks every win felt like borrowing approval on credit

i’d call home buzzing, spill the news
they’d listen politely, then pivot to “that’s nice, but have you thought about settling down?”
or “that’s nice, but grandma says you haven’t called in two weeks” the finish line kept moving

i got faster; it got faster

today the email came

the one everyone says changes things
big firm, big offer, the kind people screenshot and send to their moms hoping for fireworks
i forwarded it home with a simple “got it”
waite

three hours later:
“congratulations. very good.

now make sure you find a nice girl soon.

your cousin’s baby is due in june and he still calls every sunday to check on us.

call grandma tomorrow, she keeps asking why you’re so busy.”
no exclamation point
no “we’re so proud”
just the same gentle redirection that’s been running since i was six
i sat there staring at the screen
realized i could probably buy them a house tomorrow
hire someone to call them every sunday pretending to be me
still wouldn’t fill the gap
because it was never about the achievements
it was about being the version of me that doesn’t need to achieve anything to be loved
and that version never showed up to the audition
so here i am
probably the most “successful” failure at getting unconditional love in the family
about to sign paperwork that’ll let me pay for therapy for the next decade
laughing because what else can you do
the offer is real
the void is realer
still gonna sign it tho
might as well get paid while i figure out how to stop auditioning for parents who already cast someone else in the lead role
if anyone has the cheat code for “they finally just say they love me without a footnote,” hit my line
i’ll venmo you my first bonus
until then
i’ll keep showing up
because showing up is the only thing i know how to do better than cousin
and honestly?

that’s kind of funny in a fucked-up way