I just realized that I created absurd goals for myself just because I wanted validation.

Please read only if you have capacity to tolerate someone else venting otherwise avoid it. But those who will be reading it and could give their advice then I will be grateful of their support. 

I grew up in a small town in India. As long as I remember I always wanted to see how the world outside India looked like. That's the earliest motivation I had to get decent education and career. I wanted to work in 3-4 big cities in span of my career. But because I wanted to be a trader I would be making decent money to have couple of vacations anywhere I wanted. I have worked in Mumbai, London and Berlin. In Mumbai I lived a decent life but from career perspective it wasn't impressive. Its London where I got my dream job. But since start of my career I did rookie mistake of spending money like an idiot to impress other people. I noticed that money ran out pretty quickly and it was not enough to live the life I wanted and support my family. I borrowed some money from my father and went for an MSc in London. I was so insecure around everybody and wanted everybody's approval that I would spend money on stuff to fit in. Which was absolutely stupid. I went in debt even before I could start making my own money.

Out of nowhere I got my dream job. I was on a prop desk in one of the biggest energy companies. But instead of making most of my opportunities I self sabotaged and lost an opportunity to get a permanent offer. I was late to submit reports in first fuckin month of the job. Failed to do small tasks because I was so fuckin anxious about everything else. Surely there are other reasons which were out of my control but my anxiety and low self worth made me depressed. I was depressed the entire year. My boss knew and he tried to help me but I still continued fucking up. He kept me on job till end of my 1 year internship. I was so fucked up that I did not even realize that someone was trying to help me.

From job perspective there was definitely a knowledge gap. Instead of accepting that I needed to slow down and work on my fundamental understanding of energy market I became greedy and applied for jobs for which I did not qualify. A recruiter set me up for a job from where I got laid off in one month. I have barely worked in 2024. I just found a job but at age of 30 I will be working next 6 months just to clear off my debts. Instead of owning a house I am living in a shitty accommodation.

At end of 2023 I went to therapy and believe me that when a Indian goes to therapy then things must be really bad. My therapist made me realize that i was seeking approval from people who clearly didnt approved me. I am in a position where I feel if I was ever good enough to work in demanding jobs? Or I was chasing higher status all this time just so other people would validate me. 

When I look back at small details in my life I realized that I always felt lonely. I felt that other people didn't approve me and I was just running away to another place where I can be valued. From my home town I moved to Mumbai....from Mumbai to London and even in London with a really good job I was depressed and lonely. 

My stupidity and sense of low self worth has set me years behind. 

I really need some perspective right now. If there is anyone who has been in this situation and could advice me on how to see things a bit differently then it will be of great help.