In Money & Life, There is Success and There is FAIL

The thing about winning is ... every time someone wins, there's a loser on the other end. On one hand, this might be slightly depressing. IF YOU'RE A LOSER. On the other, thank f***ing God not everybody can be a winner. "Callous," you might say, "what a dick," you might mutter, but we need the balance. Otherwise we'd be GODDAMN COMMUNISTS. And I think we can all agree that communism is for those who are scared that they might be losers. And hippies.

Luckily, today there were some big winners, beginning with Elin Woods, the wife of some golfer. As a result of their imminent divorce, Tiger's Scandinavian BabyMama is asking to receive $750 million. Yes, $750 million. Hedge fund managers are lining up around the block. That's about $25 million for every GED he paid for, I mean mistress, he slept with. I hope it was worth it, Tiger. Those are some pretty expensive f***s. Just to give you an idea -- with that money, Elin could fund about 10% of Germany's Greek bailout for this year. Yes, I threw my shoe at the Internet when I heard that. She definitely won't get $750 mill, because he's not worth that much, but she's going to get a lot more than you have. Tiger wins so much that it's hard to call him a loser, but, uh, I think this counts.

Another winner? The Children. Well, really, Bill Gates. Warren Buffett gave The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation another $1.6 billion today. His total pledge to the foundation is currently around $39 billion. Hopefully Warren has checked the Foundation's credentials, don't want it turning into one of those damn Nigerian scammer situations.

The world seems to be balancing its scales today.

The biggest loser? Mel Gibson. In case you hadn't heard, I've coined a new word for Mel Gibson. "FAILSMITH." Yes, that's a tradesman, like a cobbler, who fashions epic FAILs for the world to marvel at. And this was about as epic as FAIL gets. Yes, Bravefart will now be the most hated man in the world. His stock will be pulling a Bear Stearns plummetFAIL shortly.

Apparently, Melvin and his wife are in a legal battle, which has gotten, you could say, "heated." For posterity, and I assume her safety, his wife Oksana taped him yelling at her, saying some pretty racist and offensive shit. There's some stuff about rape. The n-word gets thrown around. It's one of the most ridiculous things I've heard about since ... well the last time he did this. Among the invective are gems like this one: "I am going to come and burn the f**king house down… but you will blow me first.” Sometimes regular old FAIL isn't good enough. Some dare to dream bigger.

Mel Gibson, everybody. Mel Gibson. He'll burn your house down. He hopes you get raped. But you'll blow him for it.