Well, it's finally come to this, September 28th would have been our 5-year anniversary. What better way to cope than to make a sob post on Wall Street Oasis on a Tuesday morning.
We met my sophomore year in undergrad when we were 19, had a fling for a year and then we finally became GF/BF in the fall of my junior year when we were 20. Those days were almost too good to be true and we were incredibly happy in college.
After we graduated in 2021 things were still okay for the most part and we lived in the same city still. We became busy with our new lives but still loved each other and were happy together.
February 2022 was the first time I really screwed up. For a while we weren't making time for each other since we got so busy with work and then one night at a bar with my friends, I told a girl that was flirting with me that I was single. I didn't even want anything out of it, I just liked the flirty attention. Well, the girl was friends with my GF's roommate, and she found out. Obviously, we got into a big fight and nearly broke up. I apologized profusely and wanted to make things right. It got harder when 2 weeks later I got a new job offer but had to move to SF. We were sitting on the beach when I broke the news. Lots of tears but she was happy for me, and we decided we wanted to make it work.
The first year of long distance was really hard. She was still mad at me for telling another girl I was single but through a lot of long phone calls and texts we worked things out. Every so often she would bring it up though, she would say she hates me for that, and I would apologize again saying that I'm committed to her and making it work. We still loved each other after all.
The second year in SF wasn't so bad. She had moved to NYC at this point, and I actually flew to NYC every single month that year. I was seeing her every 6 to 8 weeks and our time together felt meaningful. She even came to SF for our 4-year anniversary, and we went to Napa and then Hawaii. Things were good.
In January of this year, I was finally able to relocate to the NYC office. We felt things were finally going to be back to normal like our college days. This really wasn't the case though. She already had her own life made in NYC with her friends and had her routines. I had made new friends and got busy with work and my own life. She also was traveling a ton this year and we really didn't see each other that often. After a few months some resentment started to form. I felt like I wasn't being made a priority, but I never complained because the times I did get to hang out with her I didn't want to nag.
At the beginning of August, we actually moved in together. Well, she moved into my apartment because I have my lease through December, then we were going to find a bigger place. last Thursday we actually had a pretty deep conversation about how we've really been feeling about everything but at the end we still decided that we are committed to each other and would make changes to make each other feel more loved again.
On Saturday I was at a friend's birthday party, and she was alone in our apartment. For whatever reason she decided to scroll through texts on my iPad. Not sure why since she's never done something like that. Well, she saw texts between me and 2 friends of mine who are girls. These are friends I've made through broader friend groups, and it was no secret that I was a taken man, and we talked about my GF all the time, I was also friends with their BF's since we were in a big friend group. Well, my GF didn't like the way we texted. Thought it was too flirty and inappropriate. Outside the context of our inside jokes, I could understand why she thought that, and I tried to explain that to her. She wasn't having it though. Called me disgusting and that she needs a break from it all and from me and she doesn't know where to go from here. She went back home for the week and isn't talking to me. She's also going on a family trip to Europe this weekend so she's going to be gone for a while. Most of her stuff is still in our apartment though, so eventually she needs to come back.
Definitely feeling hurt. I genuinely feel like I never crossed any line with my other women friends, but I guess I did so I tried to own up to it. Said I'm always willing to learn and grow and I always want to work things out. I think it's really over this time though. It really sucks. 5 years is a long time, and she was obviously a huge part of my life.
Lessons learned though. Even if you love someone, sometimes relationships just don't work. We've been growing apart for a while. There are ways we both could have made things better but neither of us did. I take a lot of the responsibility but sometimes things just don't work out the way you want. Time to grow and move on. I'll see you guys in the gym.
What's her #
So you crossed a line in her head, but not in your own. Meaning you two are misaligned in what is OK and what is not. You lost her trust a few years ago and it sounds like she is still struggling with that (bringing it back up when you fight - that's suppressed resentment). I recommend you don't be one of those guys that let a good one go - she's put up with a lot of your stuff so far, I'd argue she is a good one. Let her have her time in EU and God forbid, I think you should re-think your boundaries with other females while being in a committed relationship. But it sounds salvageable. Good luck!
Buddy idk how u don’t see ur the problem here…
Anyways best of luck recovering
"Those days were almost too good to be true and we were incredibly happy in college." This is ironic given that most men slave away at a job they hate so that they can afford (or "qualify") to get a top girl and be incredibly happy in that relationship. It looks like y'all had everything you wanted and you threw it away to pursue a career so that you could push paper or make widgets. I can't even imagine abandoning my girl to work a job across the continent, and to what end? To make more money to impress...who exactly?
This reeaaaaally hits. As of about a year ago, I realized that as much as I loved my career it would never bring long-lasting contentment. Neither had flings with rando girls, the novelty massively wears off.
In a relationship now with this incredible girl that I could see as my wife one day, and she wants the same things out of life that I do. Has the same values. Is willing to ride or die. Kind of realizing that by default my career flexibility has to come down, and I'm becoming more ok with that by the day. In 5yrs, I can see myself settling into a cushy 45-50hr per week job. Right now I can work 50-55hrs regularly and 60hrs during earnings season but even that I don't want to be doing for much longer honestly, maybe only a few more years.
The money in my mind is really just a safety net at this point, but I 100% would rather have the loving wife and the 2-3 kids to come home to, and be upper middle class rather than rich and have nothing I'm coming home to. It's a complex tradeoff to figure out in one's 20s, but I think experiencing a lot of stuff early on cements that the typical 20s stuff really becomes boring after a while.
Don’t want to be a downer, but don’t you think the typical 30s stuff of coming back home to your kids would get old pretty quick too?? It’s what mid-life crises are built on.
Stop man, this comment is too fucking real
this is so wrong. yea, everyone wants to make money and be successful just to impress others or feel like they deserve a hot girl. so shallow. what about you?
Everyone in finance has an ulterior motive for working in this industry, with a few rare intrinsically-motivated exceptions.
It sounds to me like you want a security blanket, not a life partner. You started your "relationship" as a 1-year fling? and then your relationship was juuuuust important enough to stay together through long distance, but not important enough to say "screw it, careers exist to support life and relationships, not the other way around" and either skip the SF move or have her come with you. And then when you do come back you aren't important enough to each other to meld your lives and friend groups.
It sounds like you both wanted the security blanked of a relationship but don't want any real commitment.
I know I'm an old soul when it comes to relationships and marriage and family, but goodness- I'll take the poopy diapers and sick kids and homemade meals and loving wife and committed life partner over today's aimless, uncommitted relationship landscape that is totally devoid of meaning
I think to this point, girlfriend may have been looking for an excuse to break it off, so found these text messages and wasn't interested in a rational explanation as to their meaning.
Life lesson to the OP--when you're in a serious relationship, you don't text members of the opposite sex except for rare, specific reasons and/or when you add in that person's partner to the text chain.
Told the bar chick you were single, stopped reading. You brought this upon yourself bud. gl in the future, not being sarcastic. Desire to feed one’s ego is a difficult urge to resist.
This 100%. That shit never left her memory, it was doomed from that point on.
This is true. Although it definitely affected her permanently. I think for OP it was a point when he decided to throw the relationship away even for a minute. Seems like that was the end right there. Why be with a chick when you have the urge to fib about being single? If you're with the one, you would never do that. So maybe she wasn't the one. This isn't a slight mistake, it is a major one.
Sorry to hear man. Nobody’s perfect. I’ve made the same mistakes and lost girlfriends in very similar situations. Personally as soon as it goes long distance I know it’s gonna end. I’m four for four on fucking that up no matter how strong we were before moving apart. Have also been too reckless with female friends at times and made my girl jealous, revealed too much about exes, said the wrong answer to retarded questions like “would my friend be hot if she looked like me 🥺👉👈”, etc. Don’t know wtf I was thinking on some of those mistakes honestly.
Dated one of the girls for 4+ years though and she took the longest to move on from. First everything for each other, from HS into college. I found it tough to date again after that one. You might find going back to square one, the first dates and small talk, is just a jarring transition after having such a close connection. Can definitely start to feel futile when something you build for years collapses in days. In spite of all that though I think you need to remain open to love. Take some time, decompress and focus on your life for the rest of the year. Get back into your hobbies that we inevitably neglect in a relationship. In the spring find a baddie to be a little reckless with. Better to love hard and get a little hurt than keep your heart out of it and never fully connect with someone again. It’s tough and you won’t get over her overnight but I guarantee you’ll wake up one day next year and realize you haven’t thought about her lately. People are sometimes only meant to be part of our lives for one chapter but not the whole book. Cheers man
I think you should re-title your post to "I ended my 5-year relationship". This part had me laughing "For whatever reason she decided to scroll through texts on my iPad. Not sure why since she's never done something like that."
You got caught being super dishonest and you were surprised she was paranoid about you being dishonest again? I bet if the shoe was on the other foot, you would be upset that your girl was flirty with two male friends on top of her telling someone at a bar she was single.
Then you end it by saying "sometimes things just don't work out the way you want". My brother in Christ, you screwed the pooch here. This wasn't karma or some ethereal force pulling you guys apart.
I always though it was the college dropouts, poor people and socially inept losers who dated seriously before the age of 25.
It seemed so obvious to me as a teenager that dating seriously early in life was borderline retarded and statistically wouldn’t end well.
You need to date around for awhile to learn what you want and value in a partner. Your brain, and personality, doesn’t stop developing until age 25, so it makes no sense to commit to someone when you or she are so young. Growing up, every single successful person got married and had kids post 25. And most of the single parents I saw got married or had kids young.
So it’s always shocking to me that young finance professionals, who ostensibly should be smarter than the average person, all seem to desperately want a serious relationship in their analyst and associate years. I guess if you’re ugly and can somehow bag a young hot chick it makes sense, but short of that? Wtf are you thinking? One girl during your early twenties? Are you f*cking insane?
Loool you are such a twat
Says the douche who sides with the cheater lol!
My observation has been that the good ones get taken early. I've seen analysts pair off and both become MDs because they pushed each other to be successful. A lot of those relationships actually are quite strong, and being in one helps you focus on hobbies and personal growth and education vs mindlessly chasing people in bars and on the apps. You also save a ton of money by sharing a bedroom with someone -- it is worth 60k before tax. Do that for a couple of years in your 20s and you have FU money for a sabbatical or a down payment on a house.
Yeah I would tend to agree with this. Also in my 30s I decided to give 2 chicks a chance at different times who had been divorced multiple times and had kids and it was a disaster. Huge trust issues. Significant baggage. They said they didn't have baggage, but there were scars from all that they had been through.
Never again. I will never date a girl who has been divorced or who has kids again. I won't even entertain the thought. I'm also at the point where I won't even hook up with them so as not to involve myself at all. Previously had a hookup turn into a relationship and I don't want that again.
I feel like that is very anecdotal. Sure rich, hot chicks get hit on a lot, so they appear taken.
But, at least in nyc, there are so many great girls at all ages and stages in life.
And you only live once man. You want to hook up with just one chick in your twenties? That seems insane to me.
Like I said I understand not every situation is black and white. Some guys are ugly or fat or poor, and they have to snatch any girl they can, but if you’re a decent looking guy, you should date around just a little to understand what you actually like.
And for every successful young couple you’ve seen, the stats actually agree with me.
Interesting perspective. This is largely cultural. In rural and more religious areas you see a lot of young couples with multiple children during or shortly after school. Younger families are healthier and more energetic. It’s in the large metro areas where people are early 30s and stressing about being able to afford to raise just one kid in the private school paradigm. Wealthier and more educated pushes marriage and kids back significantly. Good for individualist lifestyle but reduces your enjoyable years with grandkids and makes it nearly impossible to meet your great grandchildren if you care about that. Different priorities. I dated past girlfriends seriously (I’m 24) because it feels like a waste of time to do the whole hook up thing. The highest quality women want commitment, and I get a lot more out of emotionally deep relationships than just sex. The sex is probably the least important part. You need to marry a woman who is at least a 1.5x multiplier on your will to power. She needs to be a gentle but capable empress.
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I guess it just depends what you value.
While you claim having kids early makes an “energetic” family and more time for grandkids, I claim it leads to immature parenting and bad outcomes for kids.
The early thirties couple with money and education are likelier to be better parents than the early twenties couple with no money and lack of life experience.
Of course there are exceptions. I’m sure there are plenty of high school sweethearts who stayed together and never cheated and whose kids turned out well. I just prefer to believe the stats I read about the correlation between poverty and early marriage/teen pregnancy.
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Pal, I hate to break it to you but you're more in the wrong than you think. Girls are 10x as emotional as men, and once you broke that trust with her you never fully regained it back with her even if you think you did, which is why you felt like you guys were becoming increasingly distanced. Considering the fact that I, like you my friend, am also an asshole when it comes to this stuff, let's not pretend that when she saw your texts with the 2 friends of yours that they weren't "flirty and inappropriate." If she thought they were flirty, they were definitely flirty, and you're just trying to downplay it here to cope.
It was doomed from the second you got caught lacking. Don't feel sorry for yourself and come here seeking sympathy on WSO- be a man and own up to it, accept that you fucked up, and find a new girl that you hopefully won't make the same mistake with. You can't be a lover boy with a player mentality (for long)- pick one.
But he didn’t cheat! It was innocent flirting! Taken out of context!
You're in luck
haha was thinking the same thing
Didn't read a single word. Go no contact and find a new one. Simple as
sir this is a Wendys
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