You've arrived at 6:30 AM sharp for the commencement of your investment banking summer internship at a distinguished bulge bracket investment bank, with the sage advice of your finance club president echoing in your mind, "...FILO! First in, last out always... find ways to distinguish yourself." You're confident that being the first one in the office will leave an indelible impression. You hear a faint cough emanating from a cubicle, prompting you to investigate, only to discover Suraj Patel, a first-year analyst from the M&A team, already stationed there. Looks like he never left the office. You’ll have to settle for a respectable second.
Following the signs and arrows, you navigate your way to the summer analyst bullpen, in search of your nametag. You finally spot the nametag, and upon beholding the words "Investment Banking Summer Analyst" under your name, a surreal sense of accomplishment engulfs you. All the toil and effort have finally paid dividends. You occupy the corner desk in the summer analyst bullpen, asserting your presence, and with a sigh of relief, you promptly log in to LinkedIn to remove "Incoming" from your headline. "At last," you utter to yourself. Glancing at the LinkedIn once more, you notice a "Pronouns" section adorned with various choices like "(she/her)," "(he/him)," "(they/them)," and more. You opt to leave it unmarked, not thinking twice about the decision. After all, you were a member of the varsity men’s swim team at UPenn, which you proudly display on your LinkedIn profile. “It’s implied,” you think to yourself. "I ain't no Lia Thomas."
As the clock strikes 8 AM, you sift through an empty inbox. Abruptly, an email from the "Head of People Operations" appears – "Summer Analyst Unconscious Bias Training.”
"...We're pleased to have the Dean of Interdisciplinary Studies in Gender Diversity, Reproductive Justice, and Inclusive Grammar at the University of California San Francisco, whose expertise will help catapult us into the realm of cutting-edge inclusivity, where pronoun awareness shines like a beacon of unwavering respect and empathy... at the core of this initiative lies an altruistic vision – to enable an environment where every pronoun is celebrated, respected, and cherished, and to develop the next leaders of this firm..."
The prospect of becoming a future leader at the firm, and a master in pronoun awareness, exhilarates you. You can’t wait for the training.
The clock strikes 9 AM, and the other summer analysts gradually arrive. You’re underwhelmed by their tardiness. Engaging in shallow greetings, you observe their nametags - "Sammy Johnson (she/her)," "Sardar Patel (he/him)," "Gaylord Smith (ze/hir/hirs)," "Chad McMillinus (xe/xem/xyr)," and upon glancing at your own, you recognize a blunder. Your pronouns are absent. Attempting to bridge the gap, you inquire, "Are you guys... I mean, people... excited for the training today?" The grimace from Gaylord leaves you with an inkling that ze isn't impressed. Seated at your corner desk in the bullpen, you resolve the issue by inscribing "(they/them)" below your name, presuming it to be the most prestigious pronoun choice.
Orientation commences, and the summer analyst class fills the room, with nametags showcasing a diverse array of unique identifiers – "(per/per/pers)," "(ey/em/eirs)," "(he/her/they)." The magnitude of inclusive pronoun mastery dawns upon you. It might be the biggest challenge you face this summer.
Head of People Operations, Sally Seymour (she/her), takes the stage to commence the training. "Welcome to your summer analyst program! I'd like to introduce you to Quackington Featherbottom (ve/ver/vis), Dean of Interdisciplinary Studies in Gender Diversity, Reproductive Justice, and Inclusive Grammar at the University of California San Francisco..." eliciting applause from the attendees. Your fellow summer analyst, Chad, nudges you, and xe mutters, "Ve is a legend." You respond, "I've never heard of him... I mean ver. But ve seems like ve definitely went to a target school based on vis resume." Chad looks at you with some disdain and turns back toward the stage as Dr. Featherbottom begins vis speech.
As Dr. Featherbottom embarks on vis speech, the meeting stretches on, highlighting the significance of misgendering and its impact on a thriving workplace culture. Reflecting on your earlier misgendering slip-ups, you grasp the importance of proper personal gender pronoun usage, especially if you hope to secure a return offer.
The meeting concludes, and you promptly return to LinkedIn to admire, once more, your new headline - "Investment Banking Summer Analyst." You scroll to the "People also viewed" section and see the names of other summer analysts, as well as the head of investment banking, on that list. This completely validates your self-worth. Your heart sinks, however, when you observe that the other summer analysts and the head of investment banking list their pronouns, and you quickly recognize their proactive approach to inclusivity. Swiftly, you update your "Pronouns" section, opting for the alpha pronoun set "(they/them)" to complete your profile. “Investment Banking Summer Analyst, (they/them)” – you rest easy.
9 PM arrives, and your fellow summer analysts rally to join first- and second-year analysts for a celebratory gathering at the bar. However, you elect to remain at the office, citing the need to "finish up some work and sharpen the saw." As they depart for the lobby, you embark on a diligent endeavor, accessing the company directory and meticulously creating an Excel file titled "Company Preferred Gender Pronouns." Embracing the "FILO" mentality, you envision yourself as a future leader, meticulously filling in each employee with their preferred pronouns in the subsequent column, in your quest for professional differentiation.
Pronouns are paradise.
Pronouns are dumb but until this trend goes away, everyone who doesn't fall into a diversity group should claim they're bisexual. They can't make you prove it! They can't say, "hey we need you to make out with this dude real quick". In fact they can't even ask about it lol! Might as well game the system.
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While your comment seems like a joke, this is already happening. See below this article about 43% of Brown University students claiming to be LGBTQ with 53% claiming to be bisexual.
https://nypost.com/2023/07/10/brown-university-students-identifying-as-…
If you can tell the difference between Brad Pitt and a fat bald plumber, you now get to be one of the 42 genders.
Oh to be clear, I'm not joking at all. It sounds funny, maybe even ridiculous, but after the hypocrisy everyone has had to deal with last few years, I don't think any of us owe any particular loyalty to the current system. I'm all for weaponizing clown world against itself.
Also, lets be honest with ourselves, most straight undergrads would do more than kiss a dude to get a job at Gorman Chanley & Co.
20 dollars is 20 dollars
Could be the greatest post on this site and I'd like to think it actually is a PE Principal who wrote this
More like PC Principal from South Park wrote this
Not a laughing matter. Always be safe and use She/He/It for maximal inclusion. As in the phrase “come and align logos on this slide, you little shit”. It’s the most caring approach.
Where is this group headquartered, Appalachia? What kind of insensitive, backwards, bigot doesn't start every meeting, or even just their own day, by acknowledging that they're on stolen native land. It doesn't take a lot of effort to do, and you think that it wouldn't mean the world to know some rich WASP in Manhattan is saying that if you were a Native American struggling in poverty on a reservation hundreds of miles away? Even though no one who says those acknowledgements has any intention of giving the land back, which some say makes it more like rubbing salt in the wound than a show of deference, it's still a vitally important thing to do to prove that you're an avatar of inclusivity, goodness, compassion, and love.
The company I work for now provides an option to put our pronouns in our Outlook signature. It's still optional. However, if in the future it becomes mandatory, I fully plan to utilize the most ridiculous pronouns and then hold people strictly accountable to using them, and should they fail to use them properly, I'll take civil action against the company in New York (location of company) or my equally blue state where I work. I'm not even joking. Something needs to be done to push back against this wickedness.
Change your pronouns to I'm/Him to assert dominance over your analyst class
This is one of the best ones so far
Slow day in the office , Principal?
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