Should I break up with her?
hi folks.. I am a regular on this board but thought it wise to post this as an anonymous.
So here’s the deal: I have been seeing this girl for the past 6-8 months. We get along well and I think we are on the same “frequency”, i.e. we get each other. All in all, I would call this a good relationship. Also, I am thirty-ish so I am thinking of settling down and this girl seems like a great person for that - she is smart, classy, is doing great professionally, etc.. I think she is a keeper…
but here is the issue: based on her family history she is at “high risk” category for breast cancer. I have done some research on this and it turns out they don’t fk around when they say “high risk” in this regard. That said, one can alleviate the odds of getting cancer somewhat through lifestyle choices like diet, exercise, etc. - but she is not serious about that stuff as far as I can tell. Also, I do not want to be a pain in anyone’s a and go around “policing” anyone’s life choices. From my research it seems this “high risk” thing will also apply to our (future) kids - coz that is how genetics work! - and just thinking about that stuff makes me uneasy even today..
this brings me to my dilemma: should I break up with her? I am no genetic gold mine but have not seen severe illness in my extended family so I honestly do not know if I am mentally strong enough for the ordeal, if indeed, that were to happen. As far as I know, any cancer story is a horror story and just the fact that she is “high risk” scares me. Also, if this issue is going to keep me from taking the next step in this relationship, I worry that I might just be wasting both our times by continuing this relationship..
ADDITONAL NOTES:
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This is NOT a troll post
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I have been rejected/broken up with in the past by girls (surprising, I know) based on physical and genetic factors (e.g. baldness - I am not bald but just wanted to provide an example). It saddened me to know that I have been rejected/broken up with because of factors outside my control but I have always maintained that who you choose to be with is a very personal choice. I have been ok with that choice being non-PC even when it did not work in my favor..
Yes, the idea of having favorable genetics, although discounted by the liberals, is understated. I'd break up with her man, or just keep her on the side.
This post is a testament to why you don't get any.
Hmmm.... ok. My troll meter is reading ~ 70%, but fuck it, let's give this one a whirl.
Let's turn the tables here - she's more or less normal health-wise, and you're a guy with a very high risk of prostate cancer. Should she then just suddenly cut it off with you because you might possibly get prostate cancer?
What I'm trying to say (in a really nice way) is your logic behind this whole thing is kind of - no, it actually screams: insensitive prick. You know there are methods of treating breast cancer, right? And methods of early detection, right? I certainly hope so. So, if you know these things, what kind of logic are you following to get to the point where you should break up with another human being because of the probability that they will succumb to an illness in the future?
To be honest, you should break up with her. At least then she will avoid the ticking time bomb of idiocy that's been dating her the last 6-8 months, and she can hopefully find someone who will not even consider breaking up with someone over something as stupid as this. You definitely seem like the kind of person who would run away if your wife of 15 years suddenly had a stroke and needed support from, supposedly, the person who loves her most. That's all I really have to say. Hope the point gets across.
This is the dumbest comment. He hasn't been married to her for 15 years he's known her for 6 months and has no ties to her, loyalty or otherwise.
If the exact situation is reversed. Then should she?? I honestly don't know. If I did I wold know the answer and not post this. But if she did then I would be sad undoubtedly but would still understand. FWIW this situation where I was at the receiving end has happened with me - not with prostrate cancer - but with something relatively superficial. So I am not just pulling this out from nowhere without any basis.
yes. there are methods. From whatever I have been able to see so far the recovery is expressed in terms of chances of survival. so these methods are not really something one can rely on. There is a reason people are still trying to find cure for cancer. The reason is that we do not have it yet.
I guarantee you that is not true... and this girl is not my wife of 15 years. People have broken up for far less far sooner than me. That said I do not want to break up with her. I have mentioned before that I think she is a keeper.
...You have issues... You make it sound like she has a 9.5/10 chance of getting it, regular breast exams and early detection are actual steps that have a tangible and proven benefit for treating and overcoming breast cancer in the event it happens. Drinking smoothies with an "antioxidant boost", or going for a light jog twice a week isn't going to do shit.
Furthermore, why are you discussing this on an open forum, a financial forum at that? This seems like a conversation you need to have with a physician (or psychiatrist) and maybe... discuss early detection with your significant other... not her "high risk" (in your opinion) status or her need to jog and drink sugar-free smoothies.
I hear you. I am still trying to wrap my head around this stuff. it is a lot to take in.
No it isn't a lot to take in. Damn, I swear, some of the shit I've been reading on the internets lately has led me to believe there are a lot of people that have some sort of social disorder. Seriously, this is beyond ridiculous.
It's one thing if she's a heavy smoker (or any smoker), and you #1 don't want to deal with everything that comes with that and #2 are worried about being married to someone that will encounter all of those health problems.... but it's quite another to be worried about her smoothie consumption, genetic profile and predisposition (if any) to cancer.
Fuck. Way to bum a guy out.
Dude she could get breast cancer and die before or after kids and leave you a widower and your kids without a mother. Or your kids could get breast cancer.
6-8 months?
Get a new one bruh. Do it the old fashioned way. It's just a girl. Be proud of yourself for doing due diligence.
Break up with her. Cancer is not an issue to be played with. There are plenty more fishes in the sea. Just the fact that you have these concerns show that you are not okay with the issue.
My troll meter is kind of broken, but whether you are trolling or not:
If you truly consider breaking up with her because she might have to deal with breast cancer (or anything as serious) at some point, then she probably is not the right one for you. Your point of view is more of a person who is simply trying to settle down and have kids, not of a caring boyfriend. Edit: Perhaps I am romaticizing the whole "meet the one" thing.
I do not mean to offend you or judge, but my 2cents.
no. you are right. I am looking for something serious..
Yes. Do her a favor and break up with her.
Break up with her dude. You clearly lack basic human emotions and she doesn't deserve that bro, especially if she ends up getting cancer and needing a man who is actually supportive
Post this on Oprah.com not WSO
Kill yourself
Wondering at what point you found this post to be pertinent and serve value to the majority of WSO users.
dude i honestly struggle to find any imaginable universe or alternate reality where this post even remotely approaches the same ball park of being OK... she is a human being and based on your own description she sounds like a decent one and talking about her like livestock does not sit well with me. the struggle might be real for you Mr. Norman Bates, but this forum is oh so not the right place to discuss it. now excuse me I need to go watch some cute puppy videos to forget how fucking angry this post makes me feel.
I understand. Sorry for ruining your evening.
I think you should break up with her, because she deserves a better person than you.
But to humor you. Breast Cancer is relatively tame, it is detectable, treatable, and the survival rate is high. As long as she isn't spending her day under UV lights I don't really see why this should be a big issue.
I think you already know the answer. Just take a leap of faith and remember to not having regrets later.
As one of my favorite quotes from 'The Adjustment Bureau' said: "All I have are the choices I make, and I choose her, come what may."
But if it was me in your place, and assuming that I - you - really love her (or at least care for her), I would be "policing" around because whether I end up with her or not, I want her to fight the fight.
Thanks, but:
I am against policing based on some stuff I have seen in my own family. It can really get on the other person's nerves and really sour relationships while having no positive effect on the underlying cause/behavior
I really do not think I am rightfully in a position to police her. Like I said, we have known each other for 6-8 months. We have not even introduced each other to our friends yet. It is not uncommon for us to go a week or two without communicating. Earlier this year, we did not meet for nearly 2 months and barely communicated (except for conversations I initiated that ended up being brief) because she was visiting her family for a couple of weeks and just generally busy.
This is one of the stupidest posts I've seen on WSO, and that's saying a lot.
"Sorry, babe. You're perfect for me, but there's that chance that you'll get breast cancer, and even though cancer is highly treatable in this day and age, and even though literally any other woman I will meet could get breast cancer, it's just not a risk I'm willing to take. We're over."
I hope she stumbles onto this site and reads this
I don't expect you to, but if you do dig deeper in to this you will realise it is not as simple as that.
Yes, yes it is. She is a person, not some probability formula for your progeny. Either you love her or you don't, man. Don't be such a dork.
To calm your genetic worries, I'd read Dr. Brett Osborn's material on biological predisposition vs. environmental stressors. Clinical research points in both directions, but a lot of studies in the past decade point to nutritional/exercise prevention in carrying DNA methylation to quell or prolong malfunctioning genes.
Thanks. I will check it out
Hahaha, well done OP ... now all the relationship advice virgins come to the rescue
yeah OP.. you have shown great judgement & mental acuity by choosing to ask this question here..
Breast cancer is pretty treatable these days with early detection and since shes high risk its something her and her doctor will carefully monitor. But on second thought to echo what others have said, you should dump her because you're obviously a selfish prick and she can do better. Anyone that tells of otherwise is a lonely virgin trying to look cool on an anonymous forum
holy crap this is thread is filled with shit (monkey and otherwise)
reminds me of MY ex's apartment
but actually, congrats on the neg five banana points bro. that's impressive. i'd dump your ass based on that tbh
This is a troll post from hell, but given there is .01% chance this is real I will say this.
You absolutely do not love her to even ask that question. It's that simple really. If she was your "the one" then you run with it, if nothing else you express you want your future with her and would like her to take as many precautions as possible.
But here is another point. Some people honestly don't fear death who have that family history. They comfortably live with knowing they carry a genetic risk and may not live a full-term life (by most measures) and simply try to get the most out of every day and adventure.
I'd be more concerned that she doesn't have an interest in taking care of herself. you can't choose your genes, you can choose your habits. kinda like you chose to post a troll thread and I chose to take the bait.
if you're asking about breaking up solely based on cancer risk, the answer is a firm no, that should not be your reason. break up with her if you don't love her, but if you're breaking up with her because you're afraid of having to go through that, wow, just wow.
it's not like you're marrying someone with AIDS for crying out loud
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