Successful Blackmail Achieved

I'm back and at 'em, motherfuckers. Last thing I truly remember from two weeks ago, I was watching the election results roll in and they called Wisconsin for Trump. Thus began such a hardcore weeklong celebration bender I totally forgot about showers, the internet, and everyone in my life. Somehow when I came to, there was a new TV in my bathtub which makes sense, considering there was also mounting hardware half-installed on my bathroom wall. Just had to get that puppy up there and bam, I set myself up for the ultimate in luxury porn experiences. Isn't life great?

I even managed to get everything smoothed over at work. My attendance was perfect during this time period and my drunk auto-pilot even made an attempt at camouflage with breath mints, sunglasses, and good old fashioned strategic trigger-pulling (gotta make room for more). That said, none of it really worked, and boss man called me into his office one morning late last week, the day after I'd snapped back into reality. He said, all mock-graciously, "we are generously offering you placement in a treatment facility and a probationary return offer contingent upon your successful completion."

Luckily, I had a card to play, and thank God for that because no way in fuck am I going to rehab in my twenties. I casually mentioned to him that I'd run into his wife Elaine on the subway and had almost asked her how Misty (his mistress? or a prostitute?) was doing, but had held back, remembering that Elaine probably didn't know Misty and certainly wouldn't want to know Misty, would she? By the way, this was a bluff.

I wish I could have leveraged this sort of thing for an ungodly raise, but I knew myself well enough to know that I might need this in my back pocket. After he quickly backed off his demands, I pulled the ultimate power move and poured us both a nice 18 year scotch from his bar and made him cheers me. We finished our drinks in silence and then I just said "have a good one, man" and walked out of his office whistling.

That was a close one. I'm still coming down from the adrenaline rush (could have been all the stims I used to try and push past DT's?). I think I'll have a nice bath later.

Mod Note (Andy): Best of 2016, this post ranks #37 for the past year