No fucks left to give, monkeys. I've got dirt on my boss and I want you to dream with me: what should I ask for?
So I'm in the shitter, taking a shit, as I do, and reupping on Adderall, albeit with an off-label route of administration, hence the privacy. I've also got a good game of Two Dots going. I'm crushing that game like I crush Bud Lights when I'm blackout. I do this all in a bathroom one floor up.
Not worth explaining the building layout, but basically there are bathrooms on each floor that are way more central, and then there are these hidden shit havens. There's plenty of guys that don't care at all, hell, they'd let loose in the women's room with the stall door open, but I value my shit/nap/insufflate routine and I don't need intruders.
I'm in the midst of all this, alone as usual, when I hear the door fly open and hit the wall. My boss walks in while talking on the phone. I'm not exactly in a place to get up and walk back to my desk, since I've been gone for fifteen or so minutes and I don't want to talk to him at all anyway. We check in exchanging as few words as possible, otherwise it's all email.
He's fucking weird. Outside the conference room, I've never heard him talk to another person for longer than 30 seconds. He's Jewish, if that makes any difference, I don't know. But as he interrupts my Me Time, he's in the middle of what sounds like a long ass attempt to appease an angry woman.
By the way, this is why I never talk to women on the phone. Their feelings are so much easier to ignore if you have a text-only policy.
I know his wife's name is Elaine - who knows why, because we don't talk about that shit - but I do. So when I heard him saying "Calm down, Misty, please, calm down, I love you" on the phone, I thought "that's the whoriest name on God's green earth" and also, right after, "I can use this."
I started recording through the crack in the stall on my phone. In the video, you can clearly see him, fingers in his hair, turning red, looking at himself in the mirror like a damn crackhead, saying "Misty, Misty, please leave Elaine out of this."
Looks like someone done fucked up. I'm not sure if Misty is a prostitute, a mistress, or what, but Elaine was easy as hell to find on Facebook, so I have everything I need for leverage.
What do you think? 200% raise? Alcoholic amnesty at work? Or should I be a good boy and send Elaine an Edible Arrangement on his behalf (and then gouge the shit out of him weeks down the road)?
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