I'm A F*cking Sleuth

Fear The Bulge's picture
Rank: King Kong | 1,853

No fucks left to give, monkeys. I've got dirt on my boss and I want you to dream with me: what should I ask for?

So I'm in the shitter, taking a shit, as I do, and reupping on Adderall, albeit with an off-label route of administration, hence the privacy. I've also got a good game of Two Dots going. I'm crushing that game like I crush Bud Lights when I'm blackout. I do this all in a bathroom one floor up.

Not worth explaining the building layout, but basically there are bathrooms on each floor that are way more central, and then there are these hidden shit havens. There's plenty of guys that don't care at all, hell, they'd let loose in the women's room with the stall door open, but I value my shit/nap/insufflate routine and I don't need intruders.

I'm in the midst of all this, alone as usual, when I hear the door fly open and hit the wall. My boss walks in while talking on the phone. I'm not exactly in a place to get up and walk back to my desk, since I've been gone for fifteen or so minutes and I don't want to talk to him at all anyway. We check in exchanging as few words as possible, otherwise it's all email.

He's fucking weird. Outside the conference room, I've never heard him talk to another person for longer than 30 seconds. He's Jewish, if that makes any difference, I don't know. But as he interrupts my Me Time, he's in the middle of what sounds like a long ass attempt to appease an angry woman.

By the way, this is why I never talk to women on the phone. Their feelings are so much easier to ignore if you have a text-only policy.

I know his wife's name is Elaine - who knows why, because we don't talk about that shit - but I do. So when I heard him saying "Calm down, Misty, please, calm down, I love you" on the phone, I thought "that's the whoriest name on God's green earth" and also, right after, "I can use this."

I started recording through the crack in the stall on my phone. In the video, you can clearly see him, fingers in his hair, turning red, looking at himself in the mirror like a damn crackhead, saying "Misty, Misty, please leave Elaine out of this."

Looks like someone done fucked up. I'm not sure if Misty is a prostitute, a mistress, or what, but Elaine was easy as hell to find on Facebook, so I have everything I need for leverage.

What do you think? 200% raise? Alcoholic amnesty at work? Or should I be a good boy and send Elaine an Edible Arrangement on his behalf (and then gouge the shit out of him weeks down the road)?

Comments (30)

Oct 24, 2016

Consider this scenario:
- Misty is his sister's nickname
- They're planning a surprise party for Elaine

He's going to make your life hell on earth for "spying" on him.

    • 4
Oct 24, 2016

Who nicknames their sister Misty......

"oh i'm jacked, i'm jacked to the tits!" - Jared Vennett, The Big Short

Oct 24, 2016

pokemon!

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Best Response
Oct 24, 2016

Okay so here's what you've gotta do:

1) Shit on his desk

Oct 24, 2016
Lizard Brain:

Okay so here's what you've gotta do:

1) Shit on his desk

Exactly.

If you don't mark your territory...what the f*ck kind of alpha are you? Might as well just throw out that recording.

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Oct 24, 2016

instructions unclear; d*ck caught in a blender.

//Signed//
MLang

Oct 24, 2016

what makes you think he's not on this forum?

Oct 24, 2016

Everyone takes Bulge seriously lol. Better then the last 2 posts.

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Oct 24, 2016

find out when his birthday is, invite Misty to be the bartender (topless bartender an option), and just let nature run its course.

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Oct 24, 2016

Find the mistress, Misty, and do some really weird shit with her. Proceed to tell your boss how you met this new girl and she is an absolute freak in the sheets. Watch for facial reactions as he either blows up or you gain 100 buddy points with your boss. Bonus season will go well if successful

...

Oct 24, 2016

Dude would you really want to be Eskimo bros with your boss??

Oct 24, 2016

I think you should tell your boss about a hot milf you met at Applebee's over the weekend and how you got her name (Misty) and phone number. Ask him for advice.

Then out spake brave Horatius, The Captain of the Gate: "To every man upon this earth, death cometh soon or late. And how can man die better than facing fearful odds, For the ashes of his fathers, and the temples of his Gods."

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Oct 25, 2016

This.

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Oct 24, 2016

Would you become eskimo buddies with your boss for 5-10k? I could think of worse things.

...

Oct 24, 2016
Fear The Bulge:

Their feelings are so much easier to ignore if you have a text-only policy.

+SB

    • 1
Oct 24, 2016

I have always thought this dude was the ultimate troll. You guys don't believe all the stuff he's posting right??

Oct 27, 2016

Wait, what?

Oct 24, 2016

I hope this happens to me at my interview this week so I can really lock in a spot. I think I'm finally getting this Wall Street shit.

Oct 24, 2016

Savage of the Year Award: Fear The Bulge

Oct 25, 2016

any other nominees?

WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My Linkedin

Oct 25, 2016

Donald Trump

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Oct 25, 2016

revenge sex with elaine

Oct 25, 2016

This is quality

Oct 27, 2016

I'd try butt stuff with Misty

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Oct 28, 2016

Proceed to shit in his office to show the pack who is the new top dog.

Oct 28, 2016

Hey look at it this way - he's got women trouble. A lot more impressive than you taking a dump recording him.

Oct 28, 2016

in the spirit of Halloween, indulge the following for a moment: imagine in his cold and friendless life, now full of added stress due to an illicit affair gone wrong, he wants to find a way to relieve some stress and maybe troll WSO to see if there is a post or someone he can make fun of. then, the horror: he finds and reads your post; after some careful deliberation, he figured out who you are. his head is rushing with thoughts. first panic, but then later an idea comes to mind: why should i cower before this soggy floppy dick who is barely out of college and does not appreciate the value of life and spends most of it hiding and taking shits. Suddenly he rushes out the door; he is barely aware anymore, his brain is completely on autopilot calmly focusing at the task at hand. he carefully and deliberately makes trips to different home depot's at least 30 miles apart within the tri-state area, carefully avoiding toll roads and using only cash to buy the following items: a shovel, a pick, plastic sheeting, lime, rope, heavy duty odor eliminating trash bags, a nail gun and cordless reciprocating saw...

ok, i got a little bored with this now, but the important thing is that if he invites you over to his house or to a secluded area, post the video on twitter and take a trip out of town for a couple of weeks.

    • 3
Nov 1, 2016

The protocol among real men is don't tell. You could mention it to him, and the discretion and solidarity with your boss should become a bond. Real men stick together !

Nov 4, 2016
Comment
Sep 28, 2019