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Comments (56)

Most Helpful
Jan 17, 2022 - 6:56am
CompBanker, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I surprisingly have a lot of experience in this subject. I have helped a number of my female friends in their 30s with their dating, both in Boston and in London. I think the best way to sum it all up is:  It is very challenging for successful/attractive females in their 30s to find a partner that meets all their criteria and also wants to settle down, regardless of city. These men do exist, but they are hard to find.

My advice based on what I've seen work and what I've seen not work. Note these are generalizations and based on my limited experience, and some of them contradict each other because not all women face the same challenges:

Accept that you are going to lose your independence. When you're in your 30s and have complete freedom to do what you want, whenever you want, it can become very challenging to start spending your life with someone else. This freedom goes away very quickly and is a rough adjustment for people who are also happy when single. I have one friend in particular who realized she kept ending relationships with guys because she wanted to reclaim her freedom, even though she is looking for a future husband. This may not be you personally, but until you get comfortable with the idea that you're going to be losing things by having a relationship, you'll struggle to find the right partner.  

If you are using dating apps, generally the easiest way to find a partner is to target men that are 5-10 years older. This isn't rocket science, men like women that are younger. From what I've seen though, successful/attractive guys in their early- to mid-30s are willing to sleep with girls in their 30s, but ultimately end up dating/marrying girls in their late 20s. Once these guys reach late 30s / early 40s, the generational gap is big enough that these guys cannot relate to a girl in her 20s and tend to pair up with older women. Don't waste your precious time with younger men or even men your age if you're using dating apps. Relationships that develop organically play by different rules, but for dating apps, use this filter. 

My female friends are really bad at filtering personalities based on profiles or even initial conversations. They go on dates with men that clearly just want to sleep with them because they are blinded by the hope that the guy will want to settle down. This ultimately leads to disappointment, but also crowds out the guys that could have possibly been a better fit. It is admittedly pretty hard to know at first, but as soon as you figure out that it isn't going to work, you need to walk away.

Potentially contradictory, but one friend in particular is very quick to discount men based on silly or inconsistent criteria. Separate your criteria into must-haves, nice-to-haves, and must-not-haves, then try to stick with it. It is okay to break up with someone where there is no chemistry, but don't invent reasons why it isn't going to work and then end a potentially good relationship. Example -- one guy didn't go home for the holidays and my female friend was concerned this meant that he didn't have a good relationship with his family. She thought that was a major red flag and ended it. Note that this particular female friend does not have a good relationship with her family. If a problem exists that is fine, stop wasting your time and move on, but don't invent a problem and then end the relationship before ever validating if the problem does indeed exist.

I'm going to stop there because I realize this is turning into dating advice rather than a Boston vs. New York City advice. I guess to answer the original question, don't expect Boston to be that much better than New York, if at all. While a change of scenery is nice, a change of tactics is more likely to produce results.

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  • 17
Jan 17, 2022 - 12:18pm
W102, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Dating app psychology is comical.  At the end of the day you attract what you are.  This guy hits on a great point but I'll say it like this:

- guys swipe on everyone, girls are very selective

- so what you have is a girl who is a 6 matching with a bunch of 8-10s thinking she can actually get those 8-10s irl

- then when you meet up and there's a clear mismatch, that 6 doesn't get the 8 after she passed on all the other 6s that she could've had, and everyone walks away empty

This btw is more or less what this other poster just described, except I'm talking about the theory behind it and they're giving empirical examples.

TLDR: if you're a single girl in NYC and can't find someone, the problem is you. 

Jan 17, 2022 - 7:28pm
therealgekko, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Very true. No one is saying date the loser guy, but plenty of really decent 6s are completely passed over by women who want to chase their 'ideal guy.' The 8-10s men have no desire to settle down because the market for them is so strong & they can settle around after they've sowed their oats (well into their 30s or even 40s for many cases). 

The guys who are 6s then find other girls who fit their bill. At the end of the day, the supply of men is still much lower than the supply of women so these men will generally be just fine while the women as you say walk away empty 

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Jan 17, 2022 - 10:58am
Sequoia, what's your opinion? Comment below:

That's likely because your standards are way too high. I don't say this in a negative way, the quote I've found to be extremely true & helpful is:

Happiness = Reality - Expectations

If you're starting off from high expectations, it's very hard for them to be met. If you start off with modest expectations, much easier & natural to build something special from there. 

Hate to say it but to drive home the realities -- Most cities have more females vs. males which already stacks the chips. The males over-index to being gay because many gay people face prejudice in suburbs / rural areas (thus move to cities when possible -- this is vs. lesbians who are far more well accepted & thus can be more geographically distributed). Moreover, college-educated males (which I assume is what you're after as are most women in cities) are in short supply. The makeup of undergrads today is 60% female / 40% male. That is to say, 3 women are graduating now for every 2 males....so at least 1 of every 3 college educated women will not find a LT partner (unless they settle for a guy without a college degree, which most college educated women do not want to do -- they care way more about similar education attainment in their partners vs. college educated males do about their partners). This is getting worse by the way, by end of decade the projection is that females will graduate at 66% / 33% male, which means there will be 2 females graduating for 1 male. For your age cohort, it was likely around 55% female / 45% male -- not as bad but even so not a good starting place. 

So I don't say this for me but for you -- if you really do want to get married / have kids / etc, you need to re-adjust your standards given the realities. That doesn't mean dating the beat chubster, but that also doesn't mean finding a guy who ticks off 10/10 boxes. 7/10 is probably more realistic. Best of luck

Jan 17, 2022 - 11:22am
CompBanker, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I agree with the Happiness = Reality - Expectations wholeheartedly. However, I'd position the ratio rationale a little differently:

Many successful women want to date equally successful men. Alternatively, there are a number of men who won't date a women who makes more money than he does. So when you look at the potential dating pool for a successful woman, it is comparatively small. Unfortunately, these same women need to compete against ALL women for successful men. That's because successful men generally don't care what their partner makes, so their dating pool is more or less all women. The plight of successful women is therefore that they are competing against all women for only a small sliver of the male population.

I'm not Asian, but my Asian male friends often talk about a similar dynamic. Simplified, Asian women are seen as appealing by most any race while Asian men tend to be viewed as appealing mostly by just Asian women, thus reducing the dating pool for Asian men.  

Professional Career Guidance and Mentorship: www.RossettiAdvisors.com

  • 10
Jan 17, 2022 - 1:06pm
Fjsjrjdns, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Then the onus is on the female to realign her expectations in this dynamic, which will almost certainly make her happier in the long-term; but other women will almost never give this advice. Hard to feel bad for successful women in their 30s, as life has tradeoffs and they generally spent their 20s chasing "success" and declining/rejecting many men who likely would have made them long-term happy and been great partners. Men have their own issues, so this isn't an anti-woman post, but rather just reality.

Your big post above was spot on, in that almost no successful mid-30s man without baggage is going after a mid-30s woman when he can have the same version of that woman but ~8-10yrs younger. The problem with single men in their 40s is that they almost always have baggage (kids, divorce, drinking, eternal bachelor, married to work, etc.), and so the 30s woman is compromising anyways. "Successful" women constantly seem to overlook this dynamic until it's too late, which is a red flag in itself and a reason not to date women in their 30s.

Jan 17, 2022 - 1:21pm
Fjsjrjdns, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Good analysis. I love how it perfectly hit on the college education dynamic. I know multiple late-20s women with teaching or social work degrees from 4th tier colleges that wouldn't dream of dating a union electrician, even though that guy makes 3x more than them and his income will only continue to grow.

The real issue is that other women are LOATHE to give real, true advice to other women. Idk why, not sure if it's cattyness, general ignorance, too polite, etc., but it would save so many younger women angst and disappointment if they were given a dose of reality from other women in their lives who are slightly older and wiser.

Jan 17, 2022 - 5:45pm
IncomingIBDreject, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I've read some articles that hypothesize that the 4th tier college educated girl turning down the electrician has a lot to do with politics. The college educated girl goes to a place where she is consistently taught about "white male oppression" and "toxic masculinity" and the media tries to portray the working class as stupid illiterates who know nothing (hence the term "white trash"). The feminist indoctrinated girl is looking for a guy who plays simp because that's her way of reaching "equality" whereas the conservative leaning electrician (who is part of the working class) is looking for a wife who respects him and a mother of his kids. 

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  • 2
Jan 17, 2022 - 12:10pm
Risk Weighted Ass, what's your opinion? Comment below:
  1. If your still California dreaming, maybe look for a job there instead of Boston.
  1. NYC women have style, Boston women r ugly and ratchet asf so ignore what everyone is saying about odds being stacked against you. You will have less competition in Boston if you are attractive. But honestly, stats don't matter compared to if you go out and actually talk to ppl (that means strangers on the street if you find them attractive).
  1. Boston men will be prob less successful but more nice and down-to-earth than NYC men. Prob more willing to settle down too. Depends what matters more to you.

I think if you are looking to settle down, Boston men will be better, but the city is small, so you REALLY need to make an effort to meet men every day or week. (Try talking to at least one stranger a day). Good luck!

  • Anonymous Monkey's picture
  • Anonymous Monkey
  • Rank: Chimp
Jan 17, 2022 - 2:09pm
Anonymous Monkey, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I think your standards are too high. Most successful men are going to be arrogant and self centered, well because they can be. It seems like you want a simp that also is successful and has money, but unfortunately that is very hard to find. Going to different cities in the USA isn't going to change the social dynamic. If you really want a different dating dynamic you're going to have to find a guy overseas. 

Jan 17, 2022 - 2:21pm
CompBanker, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Not sure I agree with your conclusion. In fact, I didn't see anywhere in which she posted her criteria other than the man being ready to settle down and nice, so hard to say that she is setting her standards too high. There are plenty of successful men out there that are not arrogant nor self-centered. Maybe it's is WSO or just finance in general, but one can be very successful without being a jerk. I have met and gotten to know literally hundreds of people whose net worth ranges from $1mm to well over $1billion. Sure, there are plenty of arrogant people in this mix, but the arrogant ones are mostly those who made their money in high finance and attended elite schools. The rest are generally much more casual about their wealth and don't choose to flash it.

Professional Career Guidance and Mentorship: www.RossettiAdvisors.com

  • 4
  • Anonymous Monkey's picture
  • Anonymous Monkey
  • Rank: Chimp
Jan 17, 2022 - 2:39pm
Anonymous Monkey, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Girls that have a high paying job have incredibly high standards. Women in general have very high standards. Now add a big paycheck and now you have a girl that wants a guy who simps, is +3 points more attractive than her and also has money. When a girl says she wants a nice guy, it's just code for she wants a simp who does everything for her, which wealthy guys aren't going to that. Because most wealthy guys are looking for a women to treat them, not the other way around

Jan 17, 2022 - 5:52pm
IncomingIBDreject, what's your opinion? Comment below:

If we follow your logic, it means that there should be a fair amount of "nice", successful men in NYC correct? Which means that OP shouldn't be single. Your logic is faulty because you are assuming the wrong definition of "nice". "Not arrogant" is too weak of a definition, simp is a better definition. 

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  • 1
Jan 17, 2022 - 3:34pm
DannyDimes19, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Ask any woman what makes her desirable to a man. Most of them will mention their education and career because it's generally what makes a man attractive to them.

I always have to explain that successful men don't really care where you went to school or where you work (assuming you have any kind of bachelor's degree and stable employment), we care about how hot you are before anything else.

Jan 17, 2022 - 11:05pm
Incoming cfa level 1 charterholder, what's your opinion? Comment below:

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