Why do people settle for less?
This is a question that I've always been curious about. I see classmates settling in jobs they hate, friends settling in toxic relationships, and people in general settling in a miserable life. They bitch and moan, yet do nothing about it. We don't live under a dictatorship, so why not just change your present situation if it sucks so much. If you hate working in IB so much, just quit and pursue another career path. If you're good enough to break in, it's not like all of sudden you'll end up flipping burgers at McDonalds. There are plenty of high-paying industries. If you're constantly getting disrespected in a relationship, just break up. It's almost like men are born free but live in chains.
There's even a recent post on this forum where the OP got laid off from a bank and is desperate to get re-hired by that exact same bank. Where's the self-worth and self-respect? I just don't understand this mentality that so many people have.
I think the fear that comes with the uncertainty of change and the ease of doing what you already know sometimes pushes people into accepting mediocre circumstances.
I empathize more with bitter seniors now, after I realized some of them let their whole lives slip away, being around people and doing things that they could barely even stand.
I think this is the key point, never underestimate the power of inertia. How often do even motivated people get home from a long day of work and just want to zone out or go to the gym and just sleep?
As someone who is yet to go to uni, the main appeal for doing something shit is the payoff. If I knew what made me happy, I would chase it - but I don’t. So the best I can do at the moment is work hard, so when I do find a passion, I can immediately pivot into it.
Because people are complacent and change is hard.
It's easier for more people to complain about a situation they're in than make concrete changes to improve the quality of their life.
Yea especially in jobs, I remember a friend of mine in our first job hated his job (we both did) and we talked about leaving but he kept dragging his feet. I left and he stayed for another 2 years.
Have you watched The Matrix?
Agree with the above and would add : 1) the illusion of a better path is often more appealing then the reality of it + 2) people like certainty.
1) When dreaming of a different gig or a greater relationship, you can design the ideal scenario in your mind and clearly draw lines in the sand to define how it would be better than the current situation. This level of clarity is rarely observed in daily life as decisions are much more complex. A further desire to avoid additional complexity creates a situation where you remain stuck in the middle of knowing you want better but it not being worth the complexity attached.
2) Going out in the world and pursuing a new opportunity opens you up to external judgement and opinions. Yeah your current relationship contains 95% disrespect but that 5% of loving moments is a level of certainty you hang on to dearly (seemingly better than the possibility the next person has 0% loving moments to offer). Think this has more to do with people overweighting their self-worth to the opinion of others and/or their current job. Understanding that you as a base human, separate from your relationships and accomplishments, deserve more is what enables the change. You asked where the self-worth is and I believe just it to be misplaced in the wrong items. Easier said than accomplished in terms of developing a healthier view of one's self-worth but well worth the effort given the amount of touchpoints and impact it has on decision making.
Yeah, I see what you're saying. It's just sad that so many people would rather be certain they're miserable than risk being happy
"People would rather be certain they're miserable than risk being happy". Well captured in a single quote.
Especially sad when you realize it is almost "more risky" to live a miserable life without aiming for what you desire because it will likely lead to alternative outlets with worse repercussions. Heard this Denzel Washington quote which captures the message quite well in my opinion - "Ease is a greater threat to progress than hardship"
My theory:
the amount of suffering someone can tolerate and the amount of suffering associated with some circumstances differ from person to person, so those differences will also be reflected in the way they live.
Obviously, there could be other thousands of reasons for someone to remain where he is despite the negatives (e.g. associating a place or a person with a memory from childhood, hard to detach from past decisions, complaining because of the need to get attention, etc.), but considering how complex are humans, reading a psychology book on this topic will make more justice to the subject than whatever someone could write on WSO (don't forget that this forum also attracts a certain type of people so you may get an extremely narrowed view about why others do what they do).
It seems like a lot of people just do what their peers do and follow the tide. It takes courage to go against the grain and do what you actually want
"Go along to get along."
Sounds like you hang out with losers, which likely means you’re a loser too.
No one I work with or anyone in my immediate family has settled.
You are who your friends are buddy.
mention your immediate family members and your work colleagues, then follow up with "you are who your friends are" Lmao ur only friends are your siblings and your coworkers at the big investing bank, you're crushing it.
When you get older and get married, you start cutting down on the random friends you have in life and focus on family.
At least I do. I have three kids and a wife and a big extended family and work in banking.
How many more friends do I need outside of a few co-workers?
LMAO, I see plenty of people settle in finance. Look at how many upvoted posts in this forum are people bitching and moaning about how working in IB sucks so much. In fact, IB is probably the most risk-averse career out there with the most miserable people
You understand the concept of self selection, yes?
Yes, the whining and crying posts have lots of upvotes for the same reason Reddit is filled with people asking advice for their financial, relationship and health woes.
It’s because people who need advice and are struggling frequent forums you genius.
If there is a typical post crying about the fact banking has long hours, of course the other people struggling will upvote and comment to commiserate. The people who are enjoying banking are not going to comment in disagreement lol.
There is no Reddit or wso for people owning in life, because those people don’t need advice and no one wants to read a post about how awesome someone is doing.
You understand?
You only read about the people in banking who hate it or want to leave, because they are the ones posting for help or advice. You never hear from the people who like it or at least think it’s a fair trade for the money, because they have no reason to post.
Just because you settled doesn’t mean everyone does.
Yep, if that dudes elite social circle is full of Ivy MBAs with banking and consulting backgrounds then he is just clowning himself, because that is still settling.
Settling with style at least, but pure delusion to think otherwise
At OP, I'd say people settle for a lot of reason, thoughts below:
1. First, I'd say, what looks like someone settling to you might not actually be that, or they might have a reason. I'd ask what you mean by "settling" or a "miserable life". If you think of settling as not doing as well as you can at something, there's a lot of reasons people do that. I'd say there's a difference between settling because you want to, and settling because you to, meaning you can't find something better or don't believe you can find something better. There's also the flip side, of some people settle because the particular angle doesn't fit their highest concern. Take the job, for some people they're very work to live, so they settle in a job that isn't the highest they can achieve. Take relationships, for some people their relationship/marriage isn't the primary focus of their life, so they're more concerned with just being with someone rather than taking time to find their ideal person.
2. It seems you are more talking about people who actively dislike their situations, meaning they want better. A lot of times this can just be that people like to complain, so they will no matter what they do, or for others its based on having a lack of confidence. Then it starts with people taking one step at a time that leads them down a road and then lying to themselves. One of those, people know they shouldn't eat a whole box of oreoes, but they eat one, then just one more, than just one more, until its gone. Take a job, people know they should work hard, and most people set out trying to work hard, but monday they think i'll do extra tuesday, tuesday comes and their tired so they push it to wednesday, wednesday they don't feel good, on and on and on, until years go back and you realize you haven't improved. So you settle.
3. I'd also say effort. Probably the reason most people settled is lack of effort. Then that leads to rationalization. Effort to look for jobs, or effort to break up and start to date again. And some people get caught. Take relationships, some people know their husband/wife/bf/gf treats them bad, but they don't want to break up because they don't want to have to date again and everything that goes with that.
4. Finally, I'd say people are miserable because they like the start but they don't think ahead. Meaning, as people, at least the US, we celebrate the beginning, some milestones, and the end. We celebrate when you get the job and retire, or when you buy the house and pay off the mortgage. But not one comes to you 14 years into paying your mortgage telling you good job, or no one comes to you at age 42 telling good job getting up everyday and going to work. So people just think I want to be in a relationship or own this house, but 8 years down the road no one asks if you're happy in your relationship/life or if you like your house.
Maybe he enjoyed his life at that bank and wants it back? Why is that a bad mentality, or miserable? This isn't like getting dumped by your SO; a layoff may not be personal at all, so wanting to re-apply isn't the craziest thought.
Moreover, your entire post is absurd. What is a "miserable life"? People always bitch and moan because no one's life is perfect, and frankly, people are generically more likely to complain about the 5% of their life that they wish was better than the 95% of their life that they're satisfied with. It's always possible to make more money, have more free time, have fewer stresses, and so you hear folks aspire to that, not talk about how their wife made them a great dinner or their kids got an A or their boss called them out for good work in a meeting.
If your complaint is that people like to whine about their life, then you're fighting human nature, and good luck to you. If you think those people are "miserable" merely because they're complaining, then you're an idiot with little perspective and less insight. You are trying to sound deep and philosophical, but come across as a 19 year old who just moved out of their parent's house and thinks they're all of a sudden wise to the world.
Forward progress is harder than staying the same.
It’s easy for you to talk about change a job before everything is settled.When you already get a almost-satisfied job,although there may lots of pain,you accumulate your resource.And you are afraid to change a new environment because you don’t know whether good or bad.Maybe a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.lol
It’s easy for you to talk about change a job before everything is settled.When you already get a almost-satisfied job,although there may lots of pain,you accumulate your resource.And you are afraid to change a new environment because you don’t know whether good or bad.Maybe a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.lol
Throwing something in here that’s basic human nature — opportunity cost. We optimize for what we think is the best option among a range of alternatives.
Time is finite, so when we’re thinking about the best job, relationship, etc we have to pick what we think is best in each, but each decision is affected by the other (e.g. if I grind during college I won’t get the opportunity to party, if I get a high-stress job I won’t be able to focus on relationships, etc.)
Humans are universally pretty bad at deciding these things rationally because of the number of heuristics we fall victim to (sunk cost, anchoring, confirmation bias, etc.) But in addition to this, everyone is going to settle for certain things in life, I would argue it’s part of being human — having a perfect family life, health, hobbies, job, wealth, friends, kids, social life and more is near impossible unless the perfect set of circumstances miraculously falls into place for you.
In my opinion the key is to, as early as possible, figure out what those important things are to you so you can optimize for those. That’s often easier said than done, and your priorities will inevitably shift over time. I would argue that the people you see as unhappy haven’t really figured out what is important to them, and, personal experience here — people have to come to these conclusions themselves. You can offer up suggestions, but no one is going to change anything until THEY realize they need to change.
It can be frustrating to watch when it’s friends or family. But it will happen to you at some point and you will look back in hindsight and realize where you were also in a bad situation of your own making.
Not to get any more preachy than I already have, but this is the difference between being bitter and grateful — do you look back at those times with regret or as situations that made you who you are today?
This is a major reason I think Tony Robbins is useful.
I think almost everyone would benefit by reading or listening to some of his better stuff.
OP, great question - and the answers so far above have all been excellent. Just to add my two cents:
- First of all, what you mean by "settling" - if by that you mean someone moving from IB/PE into corporate development to not "pursue the big $$$", or a guy marrying a smart kind 7/10 looks girl over a 9/10 bartender with the personality of a barstool, then I would say that's most definitely not settling. As a guy now in my early 30s I realized a few years ago that, unlike school/college, everything in "real life" has a trade-off - i.e. if you chase the big bucks in a MF you simply will have less time to socialize or spend with your family. Equally in a life partner you have to make a "compromise" somewhere (although I would hesitate to call it that) unless you happen to look like Brad Pitt and be a billionaire (and even then you still wouldn't be perfect, and thus manage to attract the perfect girl if she even exists!) There was a guy who posted on here a few weeks back bemoaning why he couldn't date a gorgeous 10/10 girl with the brains of a rocket scientist... answer is he had unrealistically high standards.
However, from your post I don't think you're necessarily talking about the above - rather you're referring to friends in toxic/poor quality relationships for example. That I would definitely agree is settling for something sub-optimal - yet it's a situation a surprising number of my friends now find themselves in. Most of them have good jobs and are intelligent guys with at least average/above-average looks, yet a number are now engaged or married to girls who imho really don't contribute much to their respective relationship (e.g. drama queen with a low income, not particularly engaging/interesting or even that attractive!)
And I think the answer as to why these guys won't change is as other posters have said above - human beings hate change and putting in hard work for an uncertain situation. Also the sunk-cost fallacy - for instance a married guy in a toxic relationship with no kids yet, should logically look to cut his losses and get out of there asap. Yet I'm sure many people in that scenario instead think "well I know it's bad now, but if I get divorced she'll take half my assets and I'll be all alone, and worse yet will have to go back into the dating world and start all over again." Also as another poster astutely said they might cling on to the 5% of good times in the relationship as way to justify it.
You can apply the above rationalisations to a lot of things, e.g. someone working in a menial job they hate for years who keeps thinking about going back to college and finishing their degree, but never does it. Plus you only get further locked in over time - e.g. once you have kids then that's a whole new set of reasons for you to not drastically change your life situation.
It's sad to see your friends/people you know in these situations but there's not much you can do - a) it's not my business and b) they wouldn't listen to me really, and even if they would it needs to be their own decision, and c) I'm far from perfect myself in relationships (currently single but don't mind it that much currently). And to be clear, I'm talking about people who are evidently unhappy in their relationship/work/life - I'm not talking about people who don't work in IB or PE or live a relatively modest lifestyle and are happy doing it. As I wouldn't class any of those as "settling" - in fact maybe the opposite, as you're someone who is taking control of their life (whether that's living modestly so you can have plenty of savings, or working a 9-5 corporate job to see your kids every day - might not be for me personally, but doesn't mean I don't respect it).
Just to finish up this stream of consciousness, and add something new to the debate - what I do really dislike is people who play the victim card as an excuse to not improve their lives. Now of course I realize I was very privileged to come from a middle-class background, and a lot of people have tougher starts in life - but I think despite your circumstances you have to help yourself make the best of life (nobody else will do it for you!) Yet sadly I think a lot of people who've made poor life decisions resulting in them being in an unfavourable situation, will instead of being self-aware and taking some accountability, blame the system/capitalism/whatever to say "well I was doomed from the start, there's no point in trying." Those people can be very irritating to be around, as they constantly have a huge chip on their shoulder and want to bring others down/pretend that people who are happier and/or more successful in their lives did it 100% through luck. When that simply isn't the case (of course luck does play a part, but it's far from 100%).
Great point on understanding and accepting those trade offs. Was something I realized in my mid-20s as well, and makes navigating major life decisions much easier. Problem is it's reinforced consistently that you should be able to 'have it all', which is simply painfully dishonest. If you choose to have 4 kids and want to be invovled in their life then your career will and should take a hit, because the individual delaying those decisions or simply choosing not to make them for his/her career will be able to contribute more. You want to live closer to your family? Then your opportunities will be limited. Want to grind away your 20s in a difficult profession? Then you wont get some of the expriences as someone who traveled a bit and didnt focus on career until later, as they themselves wouldnt get the same career opportunities as you.
How this looks for everyone is based on their own priorities in life and is different for each person, but is well worth the time to reflect on. It prevents you from living a life made for someone else as well as creating expectations that are too high to possibly reach. You go into a decision knowing there are trade offs and you can then make a more informed decision from it.
To bring this full circle, if you feel pressured to work a certain job that is high profile from family, or for prestige, but in reality have more an entreprenuerial spirit or other interests - then yea even as a banking associate you settled.
There have been a lot of good answers written here, but I'll add two more thoughts.
1) You're young so you don't understand that the risk of major change rises significantly as you age. You may have a mortgage/student debt (i.e. fixed costs) and you may have a family to support. Substantial change comes with risk. When you're young, that's less of an issue - you can live more frugally, you can put up with more hardship. When you have serious financial and personal responsibilities, that's much harder to do.
2) Low self-esteem. Think of someone you know who know who's not particularly good with women. Maybe by age 23/24 he's just barely lost his virginity and has had almost no success in attracting the kind of woman he dreams about. He meets a woman who's "ok" - she's not what he really wants, but she's "good enough". He ends up marrying her because he doesn't believe he has any chance of doing better. In his case, experience has taught him that this is the best that he can get if he wants to get married and have kids. He may or may not be right, but that belief will prevent him from making an attempt to do better. Side note: the above scenario (though not as extreme) has been almost universally true among my friends - the ones who are the worst with women got married the earliest, as they didn't have as much confidence in finding someone else if their current person didn't work out.
As someone that was in an extremely toxic relationship for two years, I’m extremely to be glad out of it. I get mad when I think about it, I more or less threw away my last two years of college and I was never really fond of her. She had terrible attachment issues. I tried breaking up with her multiple times but she would always threaten me that she’d hurt herself. She constantly had an attitude or cried over the smallest things.
I don’t plan on dating for another year, i wouldn’t want to get into a situation like that again. Fully focused on my career and I’m saving money and being able to spend it on myself now instead of some moaning cow
I would define all of the actions in life under two key categories: strategic actions and operating actions.
Inertia is carried in operating actions. These include your previously established habits, work ethic, relationships, and trajectory primarily fueled by your comfort in this space. You may hate your work, but at the same time, you enter each working day knowing what your responsibilities are, how to prioritize your workload and how to interact with colleagues/navigate the eco-system. You may dislike your relationship, but at the same time, you may find unease in going to the club or bar, or not being able to socialize after work or on Weekends. Even if the tradeoff is unfavourable, you rationalize that the stability exceeds the negativity/stagnation.
The second category is strategic actions. These are defined as net new activities and can stem from anything that takes you outside of your chartered path. If you decide to wake up early, you have to mentally prepare to wake up early. If you decide to go to a new restaurant, that requires some form of research on the hours, food options, costs, and whatnot. Even though these activities may seem incremental, the very fact they challenge the status quo, sleeping in until 7:30 AM or going to your go-to restaurant on your way home from work, presents a new experience/uncertainty. When this accumulates, you ultimately change your trajectory and create new operating activities: your new restaurant may become your new comfort food, your new wake-up time may be when you normally get up. If you take two steps back, you see that these strategic activities take intention, the conscious effort of accepting the negative feedback loop of an operating activity and changing the behaviour through an incremental step. That incremental step may require an investment in emotion (breaking up with someone/dating for the first time in a while), money (trying a new group class hobby/going to a bar), or time (researching a workout routine for beginners, going to/from the gym, actually working out).
When you consider the two above, you see why many people remain entrenched in their initial paths. There's familiarity, comfort, stability, and most importantly: certainty of the outcomes. If I go to a restaurant I've been to, I can come in knowing what quality of food to expect, the cost, the trip home and walk away with a level of satisfaction. If I got a new restaurant, all that comes in question.
I never wanted to settle for less. I had done enough for the past and 2023 I would like to focus on my own wealth that will be made without liars and dishonesty but genuine and unconditional loves…
As cliche as it sounds, one reason may be that life is a journey, not a destination. So what you see as settling could just be someone thinking things through and planning their next move.
Continuing with the journey example, you can't be happy at every point along that journey. There will be bad times, you will struggle, and you will get in a rut or two; but it's true.....what doesn't kill you makes you stronger (another cliche). You'll be a better person for it.
So in a way, settling may actually just be a necessary step of the process before finding true happiness. Just my 2 cents
It’s all relative
For some PE guy, his friends still in IB are ‘settling for less’
For the IB bro, his buddy who stays in TS at EY is ‘settling for less’
For the TS guy at EY, his colleague who’s complacent in audit is settling for less
Etc.
It’s all relative
For some PE guy, his friends still in IB are ‘settling for less’
For the IB bro, his buddy who stays in TS at EY is ‘settling for less’
For the TS guy at EY, his colleague who’s complacent in audit is settling for less
Etc.
When you get older, you lose hope that things can improve, and whatever is right now is the best it’ll ever be.
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