To all the shitty VPs

Another troll/shit post for all the poor fucks stuck with annoying ass VPs (and to an extent, Sr. Assoc).

VPs – this probably doesn’t apply to most of you. Many of you are chill. But if you’re consistently exhibiting the below behavior, your whole office probably hates you.

• Stop being a sycophant

  • I’ve posted about this before, but the sheer lack of balls on some folks is shocking. How are you 30+ years old and still simping for the MD like he’s gonna suck your dick? It is unacceptable if the only pushback on a clearly bs ask, deal, etc. is coming from the Associate, when the VP clearly knows this and doesn’t have the EQ to find a way to explain why something doesn’t make sense. At least suggest something else that aligns with what the Partner is actually looking for, so you don’t look bad when I eventually bring up a logical, more efficient approach.

• Stop monopolizing meetings for no reason

  • If on every single call, you say “sorry for being 10 minutes late, running late on another call…” as they say, if it smells like shit wherever you are, check your shoes bro. It’s fine if you’re a partner but you’re not. One potential reason why you are routinely running over on calls is because you keep opening your mouth and speaking words that literally don’t do anything – doesn’t lead into actual issues, doesn’t address concrete actions. Just “discussion,” and you delivering a 10 minute monologue outlining every stupid little fucking detail and background for a very simple problem/topic that could be summarized in 5 minutes or less. Plus, you keep interrupting the CEO / executive to clarify something obvious every 15 seconds. Why don’t you wait for 45 seconds (or for a pause), synthesize your thoughts, and then clarify? That would also reduce the amount of st-st-stuttering, “uhm, uhhhhs,” “H-H-H-Hey [Mgt Person], sry 1 thing” due to your brain racing way past what you can articulate as you frantically add up random numbers from the CEO’s mouth and realizing they don’t tie to the model. Just shut the fuck up for a second?
  • Worst part is I inadvertently start adopting this embarrassing behavior and have to mentally slap myself out of doing it. If I’m speaking for more than a few minutes straight on a call where I don’t have a designated speaking role, I already know I’m doing something wrong.

• Stop “discussing” workstreams with me/deal team for hours

  • You ever called someone to “discuss” an ask, and have it take longer than it would have taken the Associate to actually do it, take a shit, and eat dinner? And every time they politely try to wrap up by summarizing each to-do and plan of attack, you respond by saying “I agree, and also……” proceeding to blabber on for another few minutes. You just love the sound of your voice.

• Stop thinking so fucking much on stupid shit – it’s not that serious

  • “Hey I think CFO mentioned off-hand we might be able to reduce this one cost by 0.5% - let’s see what it looks like.” First of all, nobody cares. Second of all, congratulations on 0.5 bps of IRR you just “created.” Third of all, the dude said “he might be able to renegotiate,” which is a pure hypothetical that he’s probably gonna forget about. You really wanna underwrite this deal to perfection and then take the heat for when we miss budget (due to 15 of these “adjustments”)? And also, don't come up to me 2 months later asking "hey why did we do this?" It's because you so desperately wanted to round up a few IRR bps but didn't have enough conviction in actual key drivers.
  • Also, stop changing small numerical shit at the very last minute because you neglected to look at any numbers until the night before a deadline because you were too focused on text edits. Why did you suddenly freak out and decide to adjust a whole bunch of assumptions in the model that actually didn’t do anything material? And why are these adjustments saved in your own version of the model that you conveniently busted so I have to copy and paste each change into my own (and later realize you made changes you didn’t tell me about that prevents me from tying out)?

• Stop treating PortCo management teams like your Associate or DD consultants

  • This one just pisses me off personally. I get that if things aren’t going so well (or if there’s a quick workstream), you get stressed and might have to be a pain in the ass for management teams, following up on everything. That’s fine, but for the love of god please prioritize what you’re asking for before you dump a load of shit for the PortCo. PortCos aren’t consultants, bankers, etc., and a lot of them are gonna be annoyed when they have to drop everything to do your bidding, especially if it’s for 5 years straight.
  • I also get if shit starts flowing from the top and you need to push it forward. But maybe figure out the underlying thing that the Partner is actually looking for, and work with the team to figure out the most efficient way to get there. I see a lot of phrasing around “we need to push management to do this,” and then it takes the form of essentially saying, “Do this” without much offering of resources, ideas, or guidance. Too little respect, in my opinion.