DESTROY MY CV LIKE IF I WAS YOUR EX AND I HAD CHEATED ON YOU 8 TIMES BUT YOU ALWAYS TOOK ME BACK BECAUSE YOU WERE A SIMP
Goal: break into London IB
Situation: Graduating next summer msc in finance at a european target, and literally got 0 interviews for this summer
Request: DESTROY MY CV LIKE IF I WAS YOUR EX AND I HAD CHEATED ON YOU 8 TIMES BUT YOU ALWAYS TOOK ME BACK BECAUSE YOU WERE A SIMP BUT NOW YOU ARE AN ALPHA RAINMAKER WITH A SMALL PENIS WHO NEEDS SWEET CRUNCHY JUICY REVENGE AND WILL DO ANYTHING TO DESTROY MY CHANCES OF LANDING IB. thank you
Couple comments for context:
GPA: The original scale is out of 5, but my final GPA was terrible (3.8/5) so i found an official conversion table (from school), and it looks fookin great in US GPA compared to the original. Its a Nordic School so i guess some recruiters would wonder why tf im putting it in a different scale. Automatic ding?
Experience: I thought the sales job as well as fisherman might make me stand out a bit. But obviously they are less than relevant, at least skill wise.
Am i getting a London offer with this resume?
Thanks in advance to the kind soul who rips my cv apart. :)
EDIT: Thanks to the people who commented. Specially coffedrinkinghardo for channeling the rage.
I have now updated it with the following changes from top to bottom:
- Removed GPA. Honestly just think it's the best choice rn until i get my masters gpa above cutoff.
- Added one bullet under "No-name Ventures"
- Changed date format for fisherman role
- Changed bullet under fisherman role. Hours are def brutal but I guess recruiters will think it's bs so i toned it down. If it comes up in any interview then I can expand on it
- Fixed wording in Languages. Dont know why tf I though "Fluent (language)" was a correct way to say that.
- Removed Stata and "Basic knowlegde of...". Still a bit skeptical on the last one, as I might get questioned on it, and while I will focus on learning more about Bloomberg terminal, I don't see myself learning python more in depth honestly (although I have done several school projects with python)
- Changed "avid soviet and mexican boxing fan" to "Boxing & MMA". For anyone who knows a bit about boxing, those are two of the main styles in the sport. But i understand that for someone who doesn't know anything about the sport, reading the word "soviet" without being followed up by "history/revolution" on a resume might be quite strange.
Didn't change margins as its the WSO template using garamond, so I will leave it like that for now.
Anyways feel welcome to roast it even more. Thanks.
Your ex
bumping for reach because title is hilarious
Appreciate you king
Bump
bump
Remove fisherman and sales role from the CV - it does not make you stand out. That's a mistake I made when I was initially recruiting and have since remove any non-financial related skills / experience;
I would also remove any hyperbole as 'Avid fan' and not sure how relevant 'French house music' is, or any type of music you listen to generally.
I would also emphasize more of the skills related to the role you want to pursue. e.g. if it's M&A then would probably add more lines to the experiences that relate to this.
Being a bit tedious with the above comments, however, intention is to help.
hard disagree here
at least in UK, having some non-financial related experience makes the CV more personable e.g. hobbies, extracurriculars, part-time catering jobs (e.g. as waiter)
I would agree that the "avid fan" is pushing it but I wrote about being a football fan and it was discussed in all my BB/MM IBD interviews.
Thanks to both for the perspectives. Truly appreciate it.
Yeah I have gotten very different comments on adding the fisherman stuff. Will tone down on the hobby section though.
And agree, will try to add some M&A related stuff. Problem is, I don't really have much M&A points to add. Initially thought about having max 3 bullet points in each job. Maybe better to expand on the more the relevant experiences like VC I guess.
Any comment on translating the GPA as I did?
Thanks a lot
Hard disagree. I would put the CV through based off the fishing experience alone. I mean trawler fishing in fucking Greenland. It really shows personality and work ethic and sounds super interesting
Thanks a lot. Probably some recruiters will read it and think its weird, but based on your response and other similars I have gotten, I think it's just worth the "risk"
Tried to really get the hatred going while writing this:
- I don’t like you or your fucking face.
- I don’t like how far your bullets are from the side margins—it looks stupid just like you.
- You should provide more context on your general responsibilities in the first bullet (can just add it) for No-name ventures, industrial startup and financial infrastructure company – dingus.
- Did you pitch 150 companies because you believed in all over them or because you’re an idiot who pitches every single venture company that comes across your desk?
- Idk why you don’t beef up your experience in your industrial startup or no-name ventures role but I assume it’s because you’re incompetent and did nothing during those roles. Your experience also reads as quite spastic—jumping across all different industries with no specialization.
- You have inconsistent date ranges, were you dropped on your head as a baby? (i.e., Jun 2024 – Aug 2024 vs. Summers 2017 and 2019)
- Does your GPA in your masters suck so bad that you won’t include it? I don’t understand how a Nordic school is giving you a 3.5/4.0 GPA? Did you convert your GPA without a footnote? Total bonehead move.
- What the fuck is the 80 – 120 hours bullshit you put on your resume? No fucking way you fished for 120 hours.
- Just list Bloomberg and Python, don’t overly explain skills in that section, idiot. Do you not have a Bloomberg Market Concepts certification? Even idiots have this.
- Do you have a certification in English or are you just making up your fluency cause you don’t fucking say “fluent English”? non-idiots would say English: Fluent, list one of their certifications, or Fluent in English
- no one gives a shit about stata
- I don’t have the time of day to continue to review your idiotic resume so you better learn up and revise it again (srsly you should review because I’ve got a call in 10 minutes and have to go).
IT WAS JUST THE TIP
Thanks for the help. I edited basically everything you commented on (except the fisherman, which does in fact involve brutal hours, but I toned it down bc lots of people probably will think it's bs)
On the GPA though......... My BSc GPA is shit (under 4/5), and the cutoff is typically 4.2, maaayybe 4 on the very low side, but you would have to really have good experience. Should I:
I just dont think it's worth putting the original GPA. In that case better to just drop it. Since the MSc i am doing is pretty competitive to get into (had a sick GMAT), would recruiters just assume the BSc GPA is good?
And for the MSc GPA, its right under the cutoff. Its good, but not enough. I will definitely have a better gpa next yr (first year in my masters in known to be notoriously hard). Should I put it?
Again thanks for the help
Incoming Narnia (Denmark) is paradise.
Avid soviet is crazy. 7/10. Agree with coffeedrinkinghardo, this paper is trash. Next.
Amazing thanks for sharing this
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