I have been dinged from 18/20 jobs that I felt I was qualified for. Please tear it apart, any criticism will be helpful.
The first resume is unedited. I paid a resume review service (mistake) to update my resume. I'm not sure why the hell they made it two pages. Keep in mind that all info has been edited with random location info (schools, job locations, etc.)
My $0.02:
I don't think this is a knock against you per se, but I'm not sure providing your address is really necessary in this day and age, given that almost everything (especially document-handling related to recruiting) is done online. I'd be interested in others' opinions here.
I'd start back with your original version and completely scrap what that resume review service did. Get rid of the bike transit service part. You have enough professional experience so that it's not needed, and the experience really isn't ultimately relevant. You could add relevant coursework instead. Does your university have a career center? I'd think they'd probably be able to give better advice than the review service you used. I'd also try to ask any and all friends in positions you're interested in to weigh in.
Are there any other blatant grammatical errors that you caught at first glance?
I think your verbs for your current position need to be referencing you in the third person. For example, right now, you have "manage," "perform," and "structure." However, resumes are generally written in the style of third person singular, so it'd be "manages" (for present tense if it's related your current role), "performs," "structures."
I'd break this part into two separate line items: "Effectively manage risk by determining creditworthiness of commercial loan applicants; analyzed a range of financial data including balance sheets, income / cash flow statements, budgets, and corporate tax returns", so (my version):
-Manages credit risk by analyzing creditworthiness of commercial loan applicants -Analyzes corporate financial statements, budgets, and corporate tax returns for ___________ (you should list the reason(s) that you do this)
You have done this in some places, but any time you can describe results with numbers, that is always better as well.
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