How to turn off trading mentality outside of work? Unable to socially fit outside the trading floor
I'm going to keep it real: I might be socially autistic.
For the past 7 years, I've slowly worked my way up to a trading role and have been 100% dedicated to establishing my career in markets. (No girls/relationships or social events: hence my lack of social skills). I would be glued to markets, vba/python, statistics, whatever just to land that trader role. As a trader, my day is all about finding edge and having that kind of high.
However, now I'm starting to realize I can' t be a lone wolf forever and am now trying to rebuild my social circle, with me actively trying to get a gf. But it's hard because I'm struggling to dial back my trading mentality.
1) I've been told I'm too intense and I only talk about work.
2) With simple conversations, I'm always overthinking/analyzing people for strengths/weaknesses. I'm unable to join into the flow of a social event.
How do I start being a bit more normal again?
Not trying to be a jerk here, but the other comment about chatting people up sounded a bit too pickup artisty / red pill like to me, and I generally view that as a bad and detached perspective of the world (high value target + "become attractive" stuff threw me off but could just be me). Wasn't terrible advice re: "put yourself out there" but I think that kind of attitude tends to be toxic. Can also agree to disagree with those who approach things that way.
Another way to approach things may be to focus on being a bit more empathetic and open in your daily interactions + when socializing. More people than we are willing to give the time to have rich stories, careers with depth, and problems just as complicated as our own lives. When too much time is spent only analyzing situations and being in our heads focused on ourselves, it detaches us from being open to other people in a meaningful way and really finding common ground for connection. So might be helpful to practice intentionally being open and resisting that urge to judge or analyze others.
As others said, activities outside of just work and exploring hobbies are important - it makes us well rounded, and it shouldn't be seen as a distraction from one's career. The more stuff you do outside of work (even just reading non-work books), the more perspectives it brings. At the end of the day, I think its about taking the focus off oneself, being present, and being empathetic with the people you interact with. That probably means moving outside of your comfort zone at first, and if you are doing it right it should feel uncomfortable. But its important- can't get anywhere in life without connecting with people, whether its bosses, investors, salesman, significant others, friends, family etc.
First of all, I don't want to be a jerk, but if you are asking for social advice in this website, you are very probably a bit autistic, which is nothing inherently bad in itself.
As previously said, put yourself out there more and take up hobbies - do not stay in your comfortable zone. Try talking to people as much as you can, especially with people you don't know, but always reading the room. Examples of this could be talking to people on the underground (have met really interesting people this way) or in the gym (here also say that you are new to town or something and be honest sharing that you don't know many people outside of work yet, in a non depressing way), gym guys who are still trying to figure things out for themselves will 100% want to talk to you about being a trader - I would.
It is also important to realise that there are so many people out there who feel lonely, especially in our industry. Some might be socially autistic (btw I know quite a few people like this who still have friends/gf) and some might be new to this town/country and are just struggling to get their social life started (especially those who grinded and do not come from wealthy environments, where they are very very few people from their background who got good jobs in cities like NYC/LDN - from my experience, only people from rich families in foreign countries have international friends who have good jobs here, early in their careers). Thus, others are much more receptive than you think on meeting new people, sometimes it just takes you to be more fun than them being alone.
As someone who is somewhat socially autistic as well (I mean I am in this website), and who comes from a small town in a different country, what helped me was to care less about what others might think of you (outside of business), because the truth is that no one cares or has ever cared - don't listen to me, listen to this guy who sold his business for $2.4 bn
This + trying to be a bit more in the asking part of the conversation (shows interest in the other person) really helped me. If you can't yet add much outside of work, let the other person do so (I also really enjoy talking about the markets but I am aware that 98% of people do not).
What also helped me to start relationships was having something in common with the other person, especially if we are both from the same country or have the same mother tongue. If you do not have this, it is another big reason why hobbies are important.
And hype yourself up - you need to believe you can do it in order to meet new people and make friends.
My final tip would be to hit up any old friends you might have, maybe send them a meme where you can justify that it somewhat reminds you of them, and after you exchange some words, offer to talk over a beer (always try to keep in touch) and to see this other useful thread https://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forum/investment-banking/i-finally-made…
Best of luck and go outside