Anyone else go to a decent college and/or start making $ and now find your family embarrassing?

The more I mature and expand my scope the more embarrassed I am of my immediate and extended family. I just can no longer ignore or normalize the cyclical nature of their perpetual ignorant decisions, their low culture attitudes & values, adults who don't read anything, exclusively eat unhealthy food, too many slobs (being clean cut with great hygiene doesn't cost $), and worst of all they don't put their kids in position for success (e.g. sports over academics, boys are unmotivated video game addicts, new SUVs over house in a decent school district, no college savings, lower class appearance).

They're not like unemployed opioid trailer trash or anything - they have all the ornaments of middle class, it's just they act like low IQ devoid of culture narrow-minded assholes.

 

I'm just visiting this weekend. It's always shocking to see it all up close and be reminded why I come home so infrequently. It bothers me to see ignorant adults, and more specifically, see them doom their kids to the same shitty life (if they're lucky).

 
Controversial
wsobroski:
I'm just visiting this weekend. It's just shocking to see it all up close and be reminded why I come home so infrequently. It really bothers me to see ignorant adults

You're sick.

I mean I come from a distinguished family, so I'm not used to any of this anyway. We had a butler, but we would really call him the butterfly catcher, because my extended family has a habit of shitting butterflies and pissing excellence. The butler took care of the butterflies. What a gentleman and a scholar.

That's how I grew up, so that's all I really know.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
 

Nearly ten years ago I offered to send a pair of clever nieces and nephews to private school (not Andover, just a solid Catholic school near their house) and was turned down by their ignorant parents. Those two are now in their early 20s and turned into completely hopeless losers. Would private school have saved them? Maybe not ... but maybe. Turning it down was ignorant trash behavior.

So trust me, I've tried and tried. Nothing changes. At a certain point you just start to despise these people.

 
wsobroski:
Nearly ten years ago I offered to send a pair of clever nieces and nephews to private school (not Andover, just a solid Catholic school near their house) and was turned down by their ignorant parents. Those two are now in their early 20s and turned into completely hopeless losers. Would private school have saved them? Maybe not ... but maybe. Turning it down was ignorant trash behavior.

So trust me, I've tried and tried. Nothing changes. At a certain point you just start to despise these people.

Yeah, I know the awkwardness of having an unsophisticated family. But it’s their loss not yours. Something else is off with this.

 
Best Response
wsobroski:
Nearly ten years ago I offered to send a pair of clever nieces and nephews to private school (not Andover, just a solid Catholic school near their house) and was turned down by their ignorant parents. Those two are now in their early 20s and turned into completely hopeless losers. Would private school have saved them? Maybe not ... but maybe. Turning it down was ignorant trash behavior.

So trust me, I've tried and tried. Nothing changes. At a certain point you just start to despise these people.

The reason it didn't work is you probably approached them just like you approached this thread. Condescending arrogance.

No one wants to take money from someone like that and you probably didn't have a meaningful relationship with them. It is easier to take money from a stranger than someone who will hold it above your head with their perpetual and condescending arrogance. It may be family pride, but it is real.

Also, what did you say to them? "Hey stupid, let me pay for your childrens' education so they don't end up being dumbfucks like you.." Something like that? If your words weren't that poignant, I'm sure your tone and demeanor were as you've voiced your true feelings about them.

Now you're bragging about them declining it? How about respect your family and relatives first for reasons outside their intelligence and perceived success in life and go from there. If they need money, it is a great compliment to you for them to ask because they are putting down their pride. So if that time ever comes, accept it with joy as a time to share your gifts, but cramming money down people's throats doesn't work well, especially with family.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
 
wsobroski:
Nearly ten years ago I offered to send a pair of clever nieces and nephews to private school (not Andover, just a solid Catholic school near their house) and was turned down by their ignorant parents. Those two are now in their early 20s and turned into completely hopeless losers. Would private school have saved them? Maybe not ... but maybe. Turning it down was ignorant trash behavior.

So trust me, I've tried and tried. Nothing changes. At a certain point you just start to despise these people.

Personally, I don’t think you should dismount from your high horse. You don’t get to choose your family, so no sense in spending more than the bare minimum amount of time with people who will just drag you down. Especially extended family like cousins/nephews/uncles, etc.

I think the fact that you offered to pay for school and they turned it down says a lot about them.

 

A very generous offer and admirable gesture. What's difficult is that a child needs the synergy of the child's own motivation/drive, parental guidance/financial support, and a solid educational platform to achieve. Parents are also regular people. Sometimes they're insecure of such a task that will take much effort from them while lacking the experience to do so. It's a shame but hey, it does happen.

Work hard, work clean, & most of all do not give up.
 
iBankedUp:
Sounds like you need to change your own attitude. If you took more interest in your family and what may unfortunately be your culture, you could level with them better. At least just get off your high horse. From the sound of it, I don’t know how they even let you back in the door.

Why does everyone on this forum feel the need to portray themselves as some saint that is above it all? OP has a point, maybe he didn’t write it in the most balanced tone but that’s not why we are here...

Kanye version: you interefering with his independent thought and shit

 

Because non-finance people who see comments like yours will otherwise assume anyone who works in finance is an impotent geek who can't give a woman an orgasm and needs to look down on other people. Doesn't take a saint not to be a dick to the 99%.

 

It's not the 1950's, those non-credentialed middle class gigs are few and far for Gen Z kids. Underachieving middle class kids aren't going to be middle class, they're sinking to pleb tier. Gen Z kids unprepared for modern economy are f*cked. Look at college dropout rates, opioid abuse and marriage rates for young men especially.

 

I can agree with this but I don't see how the current and future state of the economy makes you embarrassed of your parents. They didn't prepare you for the current and future state of the MLB, or the music industry, but that doesn't seem to bother you. Not to be your therapist, but having gone through a similar episode to a lesser degree, if you look deeper you'll discover that the problem is internal, not external.

 

No offense, but I wonder how "mature" you are. When I graduated college, I thought I knew everything. Got a job at a prestigious firm, complete with the associated trappings of the position, which inflated my ego even more.

That was a long time ago. The "mature" I thought I was at 30 or 35 pales in comparison to where I am now. That said, your family is who they are. You will always only have one family. You may marry and get intertwined with another family, but the ones you cast aspersions on right now are the only ones you have.

I have cousins on both ends of the spectrum. I have one whose husband was on Dick Cheney's defense staff and they have pics of themselves with all sorts of world leaders. On the opposite end of the spectrum I have a cousin who pulls wire for a living. Does he embarrass me? Hell no. The guy works for a living and provides for his family. Plus, I see him once a decade, just like most people in my family.

Perhaps you are physically much closer to your family than I, but I can't understand how your family could literally embarrass you. I can understand if you feel embarrassed for your family, but that would involve empathy, which it does not sound as though that is a characteristic you possess.

 

I feel embarrassed for them, they're so damn ignorant and don't seem to care to elevate their kids. And I especially feel awful for their kids who are screwed being led by dumb adults. Blind leading the blind.

It's not about their lack of "prestige" or because they don't live in a wealthy coastal zip code.

 

You sound like a dick. Regardless of how they act, they are your family and as long as they haven't done anything terrible to you, you should love them. There's a difference between wanting to help people because you care and because they embarrass you. Imagine if someone told you that they were going to help you bc you are embarrassing.

 

This thread makes me realize how lucky I was to grow up with white collar professional parents who preached education. I always thought my parents were the boring/loser type growing up because they wouldn't let me throw parties, underage drink, ground me when I did stupid shit... etc.

Meanwhile all my friends "Cool" parents would let them do just about anything. Fast forward to my mid 20s and I'm wayyyyyyyyy better off than all my old high school friends. Went to public school FYI - not the end of the world either for all you public school haters. My cousin got into Stanford from a public hs. In fact, sometimes I feel like a lot of my private school friends are sheltered and don't have a great sense of the "real world". Not hating on it though.

Funny how they always told me how lucky I was and how I'd thank them one day. God damnit lol

 

I went to public school in a middle class area, here are what some of my public school peers are up to:

HBS PHD at Harvard Residency at Duke Consulting after masters in engineering - Stanford AVP in middle office at a BB various engineers, nurses, teachers, accountants, pharmacists etc.

Unsurprisingly, 90%+ of these people were in the top 10% of our class. Apparently, public school didn't stop them from accomplishing their goals.

Array
 

Well yeah I agree. Upper middle class areas in highly populated suburban metros seem to have good public high schools for the most part. Areas that with a family of 4 you really need to be making $90-100k+ in Midwest type COL cities.

A lot of the true middle class $50-75k earners likely couldn’t afford to send their kids to private school to begin with

 

You have a really good point and I think everyone is missing it because you used the word "embarrassed". Sure, you can disagree with your family's choices but you should never be embarrassed of your upbringing (which you didn't choose at all).

But your overall point stands- when you leave and start making money and managing your finances and saving for retirement, you start to recognize how your family might be fucking up. It is very real: not focusing on your kid's education can stunt their life potential before they even have a choice in the matter. Parent's attitudes about money, learning, cleanliness, and health shape their kid's attitudes. Just because they are family doesn't mean you have to like those decisions. The only thing you can do though is be a good example to them.. The driven ones will want to be like you, and they'll start to try to better themselves.

But damn, everyone is flinging shit like it's anathema to realize that not all adults, family included, are responsible and mature with how they handle their money, time, and general betterment of their lives.

 

I read almost all comments here and most people miss the point. He doesn’t sound embarrassed by the fact that they don’t make a lot of money. He is disappointed by the lack of thought(being open-minded) and culture(manners etc). Stop talking about “high horse”, me and my brother have felt this way since we were like 14. Now we’re not successful (matter of fact, we’re broke af) and we still resent them because they would never pull of a suit and classy dress, they would never fit in in a nice place, they lack manners, they lack desire to learn and develop. They keep doing the same shit and expect different results. I think OP is experiencing this, not “omg my family cant even afford a range rover ew”

Some comments are on track and if OP was, in fact, speaking to them in a condescending manner that’s his fault. But somewhere along the line, people went off-topic

made new unrelated account - dont reply or message as i never use it. 
 

Obsession with prestige as an end-goal in life? Check.

Unnecessarily personal anecdotes? Check.

Cringey lack of self-awareness? Check.

Awkward vocabulary as if Shift-F7'ed simpler words with a thesaurus? Check.

Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes.
 

You can be embarrassed or think yourself above them as much as you want. But if one day, when luck goes the other way, and you find yourself penniless, sick, injured, etc., who do you think will go through hell and high water to help you? Your WSO buddies? Your elite, preftigious HYP / EB / HBS colleagues?

No. Your family will. That is why family is important, because they are there for you when no one else is. If you don't understand the importance of family, then you are lost and alone. I am sometimes embarrassed about my family too. But that doesn't make me talk down to them like you are here. My parents worked unbelievably hard to get me to where I am today. I do not resent them because I am more successful than they are, or that I know more about investing in a 401K than they do.

We are all specks of carbon on a big hunk of rock and water hurtling through the Universe. All of our accomplishments and all of our material things are meaningless if we don't share it with others. Maybe if you tried to be genuinely nice, instead of "I know better than you, let me help you fix your miserable, low-class uncultured lives", you would have better relationships with your family.

 
pr4mence:
You can be embarrassed or think yourself above them as much as you want. But if one day, when luck goes the other way, and you find yourself penniless, sick, injured, etc., who do you think will go through hell and high water to help you? Your WSO buddies? Your elite, preftigious HYP / EB / HBS colleagues?

No. Your family will. That is why family is important, because they are there for you when no one else is. If you don't understand the importance of family, then you are lost and alone. I am sometimes embarrassed about my family too. But that doesn't make me talk down to them like you are here. My parents worked unbelievably hard to get me to where I am today. I do not resent them because I am more successful than they are, or that I know more about investing in a 401K than they do.

We are all specks of carbon on a big hunk of rock and water hurtling through the Universe. All of our accomplishments and all of our material things are meaningless if we don't share it with others. Maybe if you tried to be genuinely nice, instead of "I know better than you, let me help you fix your miserable, low-class uncultured lives", you would have better relationships with your family.

Couldn't have put it better myself. More people on this forum should read your last paragraph and maybe readjust their perspectives.

 

I'm surprised by the amount of MS you're getting. If we take a neutral perspective we can better analyze what you're (OP) is trying to communicate. I think that this post quickly conjures memories of the snobby Greenwich kid who thinks he's God's gift and looks down on those with a metropass. I know this isn't the case.

I echo OP's point, albeit he could have wrapped this a bit more Furoshiki style. Here is a bit more color on OP's point:

One of my siblings had multiple opportunities for an athletic scholarship to play at a Baylor, Notre Dame, and a few others. They missed out by not focusing on their class work, and not following up when necessary on said opportunities. That sibling currently works at Sprint in their mid-twenties half-assing CC part-time.

Please keep in mind that I went to a non-target/state school. We didn't grow up rich, we didn't grow up poor, but we had opportunities within our reach bearing we made the effort. I'm no genius but am smart enough and willing. I'm finally breaking onto the street mid-20s. Assuming majority of the readers live in the states or UK/Canada/Australia I can say that there should be less MS for this post. If you hold citizenship in one of these countries then the opportunities are infinite with all the resources available to you. WSO, M&I, BIWS training programs, the variety of academic options, financial grants, student loans, LinkedIn, and public infrastructure are in place for you to SUCCEED. Jesus Christ, it does take effort no doubt, but it isn't impossible to make it into IBD. Someone could be in a Community College for 2 years, transfer to a Ross, McCombs, UCLA, NYU, you get the point, a few internships here & there, and be at a BB as a 1st year in a time line of 4-6 years. I'm simplifying this but it's not IMPOSSIBLE just takes focus and playing the numbers.

I know URM guys from countries like Jamaica and Venezuela to name a few that went to SEC schools and CC and became engineers making 90k mid-20s. How?? They went to class, studied, performed, and turned shit in ON TIME while working a side gig. When you come from a background like this as did I it's not hard to be annoyed by those around you that aren't striving in a first world country with the opportunities within reach. At times those in your radius will look at you crazy for the sacrifices made.

TLDR; Just do what you're supposed to, take care of yourself and that's more than enough to become a better person for yourself, your (future) kids, and the people around you. Stop making excuses for those who don't handle their business.

Work hard, work clean, & most of all do not give up.
 

To the OP, I know you discussed this, but there are two point:

  1. Some people are middle/class because they essentially are trash
  2. Other people like living that lifestyle/don't know any better (which can really describe both groups)

We live in society that is more on the side of work to live rather than live to work. It also comes down to how people were raised. Some people would rather watch their kids play baseball than work hard so their kids can have a Latin tutor. Some people see private schools or education or wealth as somewhat of a pho pho thing; they basically embrace their poorness.

Really, they can't put their kids in position for success because they don't know how to, because they weren't. It's basically like a cycle. Also, kids tend to mirror there parents because they share the same DNA, and are taught the same habits. That's why kids who are overweight tend to have parents who are also overweight; or athletic kids tend to have athletic parents

 

I think the OP got all these points just put too much patronising emotion in his post. He mentions the cyclicality and Im guessing this is a result of the frustration that some people "dont know any better" even when others like their own family members do and if not by example may even directly try to share that. A frustration I have often felt, not for lack of love for those close to me, if anything because of it. Indifference is the opposite of love not negative emotions, I see how a lot of what some of my family claim are huge existential problems for them that the world keeps throwing on them would be solved with a change in lifestyle/attitude.

Others have pointed out one shouldn't be ashamed of where they came from and that its those people that made you in the first place. Unnecessary points. Its the independence from them that makes the OP different, the space away and exposure to different things/people. They may well have taken strengths from the people now causing frustration but gratefulness for that doesn't invalidate frustration with perceived flaws said loved ones cant seem to recognise.

 
wsobroski:
The more I mature and expand my scope the more embarrassed I am of my immediate and extended family. I just can no longer ignore or normalize the cyclical nature of their perpetual ignorant decisions, their low culture attitudes & values, adults who don't read anything, exclusively eat unhealthy food, too many slobs (being clean cut with great hygiene doesn't cost $), and worst of all they don't put their kids in position for success (e.g. sports over academics, boys are unmotivated video game addicts, new SUVs over house in a decent school district, no college savings, lower class appearance).

They're not like unemployed opioid trailer trash or anything - they have all the ornaments of middle class, it's just they act like low IQ devoid of culture narrow-minded assholes.

Word, now I'm making their Lexux payments.

 

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