Chronically Second Place, any advice?
Currently a college student who has always done well in school, athletics and career wise but never been the best.
A few examples to demonstrate what I mean:
- Went to T35 undergrad that is respected but looked at as a low semi for most/all career paths (transferred after this past year for financial reasons.
- Missed out on All state honor by a single match.
- Made it to final round of hs statewide business comp but placed last of the finalists.
- GPA and SAT/Standardized tests were always very good but never top of class/ top 5.
There are a lot more examples of doing well but not being the best.
I completely understand this is a ridiculous thing to harp on/post about but does anyone have any advice/has been in this position before. I can't tell if this is a state of mind thing. All of the things above I worked hard for and devoted many hours to, but I could never achieve star status.
Again I understand this post comes off as dumb as fuck, but I'm really just looking for some life advice here.
These are actually great results. You should be proud of your accomplishments, not upset with your (perceived) shortcomings. Eventually you'll learn life isn't a race or competition. At the end of the day, it's about doing what you want / like and being happy - regardless of what others are doing.
Think of it this way: top 35 school out of over 3k in the US. That puts you in roughly the top 1%. Hard to get meaningfully better than that (and that doesn't really even matter in the big scheme).
I'm in sales. Very competitive world. I learned a long time ago not to be obsessed with the Leader Board. Used to see the top 10 and say I have to be up there. Guess what, no you don't. I've spent several yrs up there and several off the radar. My life is essentially the same. I did spend some time learning what these other cats were doing and that just truly wasn't of much interest. I can't do what they do, and they can't do what I do.
All you can do is your best. Putting in that effort is what matters.
This 100%, also I would imagine a majority of people on this subreddit "suffer" from the same shortcomings. The truth is there can only be 1st place, and thats alright. You'll never be the best, nor will anyone else. The T5 kids are upset they're not T1, the T1 kids are upset they're not at BX, the BX kids are upset they weren't born rich, the rich kids are upset they aren't famous, the famous people are never rich enough or famous enough. I imagine even Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk envy the president and are frustrated with their lack of social skills. Even if you were the fucking president you would be upset you weren't the best like George Washington or Abe Lincoln and everyone shits on you.
There's millions of people that would love to be in your position, its all relative.
Pick your chin up, let your nuts drag bro, the world is your oyster.
I appreciate both comments above. It really is all about perspective and glass fulness.
This 1000%
I knew very well a guy that for OP standards would be always first place and he was always telling me that he wanted to do/achieve more and was rarely happy with his accomplishments
He was a D1 athlete, did SA at EB group and now FT there, 3.95+ GPA at top target and guess what? He always wanted more and worked like crazy his senior year to make sure he killed PE recruiting
.
How about dating? Is your girlfriend one of those girls that follows the popular girl around?
My girlfriend is amazing.
You’re clearly suffering from All or nothing thinking and negative lensing, two cognitive distortions. Your accomplishments are plenty and impressive by any standards. Be proud of your work, live life, and get pussy.
Agree with all or nothing. To the negative lensing point, I understand this post reeks of pessimism and glass half empty-ness but in real life I'm very happy and, for the most part, appreciative of how fortunate I am (again, understand this post may not make it seem that way).
A fellow CBTer I see. Respect.
Precisely (covid took its toll and i had to start seeing a shrink). As one of the most skeptical and cynical human beings on this planet, I attest that CBT is the gold standard with regards to mental health.
By your post I’m assuming you’re in college. When you leave college you’ll realize that none of that stuff mattered - assuming you’re happy with your position in life (good relationships, a career you’re excited about, hobbies that you’re interested in, etc.). I think the majority of people are in your shoes, in terms of not being the best at everything they try. I totally get your frustration bc it does suck to always feel like you’re so close but yet so far but that’s the wrong way to look at it. One of the best things you can learn is that there will ALWAYS be someone that’s better than you at something. You think you are the smartest/most athletic/most charismatic person and then you turn the corner and someone blows you out of the water in all fronts. With that said, based on your accomplishments you seem to be a talented individual and I can guarantee you there are many people that you’ve crossed paths with that wish they could be as driven/smart/ etc. as you are (assuming you’re not a raging asshole). Focus on being the best ‘you’ that you can be. That means 1) realizing you’re not gonna get 1st or win gold in everything you try, 2) realize when you can learn from people who are more talented/accomplished/etc (this could be how they see the world, how they think, how they use their time efficiently) whatever it is just learn something from them, and 3) realized when you can be that person to someone else and help them/ teach them something. If you spend your life only concerned about what place you got in a math competition or some bullshit college ranking then people aren’t gonna wanna be around you anyways. People like yo be around people who are strong individuals who know who they are but are willing to be molded by experiences to become better people.
What matters more is your work ethic, enjoying what you're doing, and how you handle being in second place. If you are continuing to better yourself while enjoying the job/hobby you're taking part in, the place that you come in does not matter.
I agree absolutely. Within the past year or two, I've tried to embrace the growth mindset. Still though, I can't dodge the interior feeling of "never good enough"
If you ain't first, you're last
Doxxing myself, I'm ricky bobby
It's difficult as a Type A alpha male (speaking from experience) to come to terms with the fact that you're not the best, and that no matter what you do you will not be the best, but it is incredibly important you do so otherwise you will always be frustrated in life for not having the rockstar credentials many on this site have. Also when it comes to recruiting, know where you stand and aim for the MMs instead of "GS or bust" mentality that many have on this site. Be willing humble yourself and do a few non-prestigious jobs/internships to get you to your path.
Absolutely understood. I know that I'm not and will likely never be a rockstar. I just can't help but feel that when I miss out on top opportunities, it's some function of my work ethic and straight up intellegence/capability.
When you start working is when you can differentiate yourself from the pack.
Sidney Weinberg went from janitor to CEO at Goldman Sachs, Ray Croc didn’t open his first McDonalds until 52.
There will always be a time to come in first, even if you aren’t currently there. Hard work day in and day out will get you there.
Calvin Coolidge - “Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.”
My dad taught me young that the earlier in life you realize there will always be someone out there bigger, faster, stronger, smarter, etc. than you the better off you are. Sounds like you are coming around to the same thing. That is just how life goes.
Sounds like a bunch of BS from someone not into competitive sports. There will always be a 1st place and you have every right to try to get there.
Admitting defeat before even trying is the beta cuck route for losers.
You can’t be first in everything, but surely with enough talent and persistence, you can be first in something.
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