Food for thought. Dating for non-US born people

Female here. I moved to the US a few years back from the Middle East. Had a pretty westernized life there so it wasn't much of a culture shock for me. I get along well with coworkers who have different backgrounds but I feel that it is not easy to connect with guys when it comes to dating. Many guys see me as "exotic". I have great hookups but don't feel like I connected with anyone enough to be actually dating. Thoughts?

Comments (15)

 
Jan 14, 2021 - 12:04am

In my opinion as an American who has lived abroad and has a lot of international connections, most americans, even with good educations, are pretty provincial. Makes sense, our country is as big as all of Europe easily, but many people here stay in the area they grew up in and are not super used to interacting with people from other backgrounds. 

 
Jan 14, 2021 - 1:24am

 

Analyst 2 in IB - Ind

I am not religious so not interested into people from same ethnicity. 

You're not interested in people from the same ethnicity because you're not religious? 

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

 
Jan 14, 2021 - 3:35am

- Due to various factors, people who live in North America are often "grouped" into their own demographics (i.e.: property taxes/schools, parents/family influence, religion, tradition, physical distance in a large country, greek life at college, circle of friends, demographics of the town you grew up in, stereotypes, and a LOT more). When you spend the majority of your life with people who look, act, and pray like you - it is unlikely you'll be meeting diverse people.
- Generally speaking, US Americans are friendly, intelligent, and open minded people. However, that doesn't mean the majority of them would be open enough to date someone outside of their own race, religious group or from a different culture. Sometimes this wouldn't be accepted in their families, or the faith is an issue (many US Americans are Christians), or the likelihood of meeting such a person is very low.
- "Having great hookups" as a female should not be that hard to achieve, many men out there would (most likely) sleep with any girl who isn't super off-putting. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean they would consider introducing you to their families or consider dating you in the long run.
- Census forecast/reports recently published that, going forward, the biggest growth will be in the group of mixed-race children/young people (who will double in the next decades). Change is happening in this space.
- Different beauty standards: all humans can be beautiful. But that doesn't mean that certain countries or demographics don't have a preference. Among most of my male friends the "standard" is a cute, blonde White woman with blue eyes. This does not mean that this is the only woman they'll date or marry and it also does not mean that every man out there is like that - but the preference would be this Western type for many men born and raised in the West. Having a preference is not racist, it is just a type they want to date and marry. In fact, one reason for this is because people want children who look like themselves. It is natural to want this.

Let's look at greek life as an example (because this is the first time people are able and free to live outside of their families). Greek life can have significant influence in some college networks. One thing you'll notice is that they almost always have members of the same race and potentially even the same faith. One reason for this is to facilitate mixers with the opposite gender and they tend to like people "of their own group".

Having said all of this - you should, in theory, have no problem finding a date or relationship in the US with any race you prefer to date.

 
  • Analyst 3+ in RE - Comm
Jan 14, 2021 - 3:45am

I grew up in the NYC area and have enjoyed dating international girls / different ethnicities, much more so than the type I grew up around (preppy white chicks). Personally I appreciate unique perspectives and something a bit different! I guess my main question would be what are your conversations like with these guys? If very superficial - try connecting more/going a bit deeper. Bullshitting over drinks and hooking up is fun but not always relationship worthy. I want to be with someone long-term who I can have as not only a GF but a friend- someone who is easy to talk to, has things in common/some kind of similar interest, takes care of themselves, etc.

Also, I think a big part of the problem could be that building a relationship really takes time and investment, especially if it is with a complete stranger (IE - someone you just met for the first time from Bumble). This is why meeting people through friends is easier/more natural IMO - that person is already somewhat vetted and can be vouched for. It's hard to go from Bumble first date telling you my life story > relationship in a relatively short amount of time. 

 

 

 
  • Analyst 2 in IB - Ind
Jan 14, 2021 - 3:45am

I think that's solid advice. I don't have many friends or friend groups so most people I have been meeting were through dating apps. Part of it also the fact that work takes up most of my time so my window of meeting people is not very long. Thank you!

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