Funniest Work Experiences/Stories
What's up guys, just wanted to start a thread with some funny work stories to hear about. Should be plenty with the crazy industry we work in. Don't hold back, lets hear em!
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Career Resources
I’m a residential broker to put myself through undergrad. I was showing houses to these clients and I opened the door and something in the house didn’t seem right. I always shout “Hello! Real estate!” Out of habit. The backyard door was unlocked and I heard something going on upstairs. I thought the place might be getting robbed. For whatever reason, I thought I should go upstairs and check. I walk into the bedroom to find some people having a foursome. I’ll never forget the American Psycho style point and wink one of the guys gave me. Clients didn’t even buy the house.
Squatters?
I never actually found out. I called the listing agent and she was upset about the whole thing. But never followed up since my clients didn’t want that house. They didn’t look homeless/ dirty.
In the late 90's I had a pretty reckless boss, which was common in the mortgage business. He was married. He would often go on nonstop BS story telling while coked out at work. The owner of the company had a skybox at Qualcom Stadium for the Padres. We had a little get together there with my crazy boss included.
We had some hotties in my office. All early to mid 30's making good money and were in good shape. I was 20 back then and was banging a fairly hot CFO (her name was Violet, lol) by the way...back to the real story. My boss wound up banging one of the office hotties in the bathroom on this 200sqft skybox. LOL.
The next day, a loan officer next to me who is kind of the office mom told me that she had my bosses pants in her car. I asked why. My boss asked her to wash them for him because the girl he banged in the bathroom a day earlier was on her period and it got all over his jeans while they were going at it.
Ha!
Oh the 90's...
Nice.
I feel like there's another story here.
I'm flashing back to the bloody jeans after dancing scene of SuperBad.
Nasty but funny.
One night in my apt building we were all partaking in some late night saturday night debauchery, when all of a sudden someone opened the door and a little pomeranian runs into the apartment. No one knows whose dog this was, no one in the hallway. A couple of minutes go by and some random older guy knocks on the door looking for his dog, sees what we're up to and ends up joining the party with his own supplies. Whatever didn't think anything of it, typical early 20s saturdays for the boys night.
A few months go by and we had the 10000th lender meeting of the year coming in to our office to pitch his program. Of course, this guy walks in - he's an MD btw - and we just look at each other all bug-eyed, give each other the nod and go "Hi, nice to meet you!"
Ridiculous bonus story (Originally Posted: 05/11/2010)
A friend of mine trades exotic derivatives at JP Morgan. Really bright guy, just 25 years old. He claimed that he made roughly $500K this past year after bonus and that the best guy in his group, who is just an associate, banked about $1.5 million. I had a really hard time believing this but didn't want to argue with him since I can't prove otherwise.
Any chance that this is possible?
That's awesome. San Diego is like that. We're a small big city for sure.
why not? If he's making money for the firm, the firm will pay him a fair share so he doesnt get poached by another bank. Unlike monkeys that work in IBD (myself included), a trader can point at his P/L and state precisely how much value he brought to the firm. On the other hand, I'm really not sure adding commas and performing other essentially-secretarial work in IBD is bringing in a lot of explicit value for the firm.
the structure in trading is much more flat... titles (i.e. MD/VP/Director etc) don't really mean anything. If you're a a rookie who's making it rain, then you can do pretty much whatever you want.
My understanding was that first and second year S&T associates don't get their own book, so their bonus is similar to IBD associates.
you don't "work" in IBD - you're a fucking summer intern. jeezus.
when I was at BSC, if some junior guy had a great year they would first promote him ahead of schedule rather than give him a big raise.
First and Second year associates dont get their own book? ...jjc, if you can prove yourself you can help run the book by your 2nd year as an analyst
Well, quite frankly... if a 28 year old trader can command $11 million from Morgan Stanley, I dont see why a 25 year old cannot command a mere $500K in comparison from JP Morgan
If you are good, and you are lucky, you can run your own book very early in your career.
Even if you're not running your own book, if you're the junior on a major book, and your boss is bringing in a $10MM+ bonus, you're probably going to be getting at least $500k. Why? Because the book made a load of money, and the senior isn't likely going to want to train a new guy to do your job. And more importantly, if he's making it rain, there is no way it is worth his time to train a new guy, so they will pay to keep you working in the same capacity.
A bonus, after all, is an incentive for you not to quit. A lot of people seem to think it is a reward for a job well done. From the bank's standpoint, that doesn't make sense. If they know you're quitting, they shouldn't pay you a dime (barring any legal need to do so).
Anyway, exotics traders can earn a lot of money, and JP Morgan is a top bank )just about as good as you can hope for in the trading world). $500k for a 25 year old isn't unheard of. And $1.5MM for an associate (though quite rare) isn't impossible.
Neither are impossible. One Associatein our Chicago office made 1.3M in 07 and around 850 in 08. With that being said, you eat what you kill. No bank is just handing out 7 figure comp packages. You have to be brilliant and outshine everyone around you so don't even look at those numbers unless you can triple your personal trading account or know the right people to bring in business.
Even though I've mentioned this in a post before, I feel it is worth sharing.
One of our interns this summer wasn't able to do a single pushup. Yes, not a single one.
Was it a girl? lol
Btw, I'm disappointed in the lack of responses. Bunch of lames :D
I would have kicked him in the jaw
NYC summer intern girl from rich chinese family....had an awkward personality, but dressed like a total gogo dancer clubbing porn star(you know what i mean...mid-riff and everything). She got pretty much ignored. One day she walked over to the senior desk trader who was busy trading large size and he didn't take his eyes off the screen...she stood behind him and read a speech that she prepared, complaining that she was not being taken seriously, that she was a part of the desk and deserved respect. Trader said, without bothering to turn to face her "sorry, but i'm busy trading". Girl walked away crying and went to the girls bathroom...never to be seen again.
Hahahahahahahahahahaha
Let's see...
(1) Big fixed income dealer, we had a female swaps trader who was a riot. One day she got picked off on a large fly trade so she was asking the sales what level was next ("cover"). -- Larry, what's the cover? -- This is P****, they never give cover. -- Larry, if I am getting fucked, i want to cuddle after!
(2) Me and a coworker are brainstorming a trade that our boss wants to pitch. He's asks to summarize the idea. I say "the client is short full downside with flakey protection, while he's got a capped upside with a knock-in". We put that in an email to the management.
Many more, just need a joint to recall it all.
The main business I made most of my cash in is full of degenerates so I have quite a few but one of the best was when a bunch of us were partying and then around 3am my business partner randomly found someone fairly well known from a huge band in the 90s to our hotel and then he invited even more famous people over. Anyways, he ended up flooding our hotel room and our content guy quit the next morning and flew out of LA early. T'was great.
One of the sales people got a new job, so we went out to celebrate. Someone started ordering rounds of tequila shots for the table. What started as a "going away happy hour" turned into 6-7 hours of drinking on a Tuesday night. The next morning, half the office was hungover, one guy threw up in the bathroom, and another didn't even get out of bed until 9 am.
I hadn't drank that much in at least 5 years, but thanks to my fraternity training, I was only massively hungover.
Im at the office when everyone on our floor gets called to the hall where the elevator banks are to attend an "Active Shooter training session".
Security guy: "In the event of an active shooter in the building, find the nearest office you can hide in. make sure you can lock the door and close the blinds"
Overheard intern: "Sweet, if anything happens I'm going to run to [Division head]'s office... sick networking opportunity".
That's an incredible line. Definitely deserves a FT offer.
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