I don't want to be a hero...

Greeting Romans, humans, and bankers,

Background- Bachelors in Commerce, MBA in finance and strategy. IBD Analyst (5.5 months) Accepted the pre-planned to offer because everyone told me to.

Reflections- I realized that IB isn't prestigious because the work is interesting, dynamic, and intellectual. It is prestigious precisely because it isn't these 3 things and one needs to be quite conscientious, and neurotic to tolerate through the frustrations (data entry in Excel, formatting in PPT, high levels of stress to perform because every effing body is working hard, sending out mails at 4 am to LET everyone know you were still slogging, knowing the pitch will be rejected ultimately and yet making another profile that night...which the back end has managed to eff up...)

I used to love finance as a discipline, used to teach valuation to my fellow mates, used to put in hours and hours in researching about companies, building my models. My problem isn't the hours...my problem is the work itself now. I feel shattered, hollow, sick...I want these people to get out of my life. When I look at the VP...well, I don't want to be him really.

Everyone calls it idealism, well I am 24, young enough to be so, I guess, but I want to make a difference in the world, I do. People have asked me to suck it up, realize that I don't know how fortunate I am to be where I am, that I don't get the value of a paycheck, that I am wasting a degree I paid through my nose for, that I should be done feeling sorry for myself...

And I get it, I do. Maybe no job in the world is a source of joy and sunshine, or has to have meaning. People say, economic activities are just there to fill up your belly and your responsibilities, But if I start believing in it, I won't be able to live. How can that be the next 40 years of my life? It is overwhelming... College never prepared me for this. I read about it, it felt glamourous to me as a 15 year old girl but my wonderful office, my intellectual colleagues, my Prada...they don't make me happy or content. I feel like I can go out there and do things which might just matter in the world.

Since I was a young girl, I have always had goals- Top highschool, be a national volleyball player, crack GMAT, network in Bschool, learn, read, read, read, Dean's list, I ticked everything off systematically. My goals have realigned, I thought I knew what I wanted but IB or PE really isn't it for me because-

A) Money has ceased to a motivator
B) I feel a part of my brain collapses when I do such extraordinary mindless work
C) I am stressed, unhappy, and really no fun to be around with. I missed my convocation, my best friends wedding, my parent's phone call. I am unhealthy, have developed spondolitis, and am in constant trauma.
D) My colleagues go through the same, I can feel it viscerally, everybody looks like a robot in formals, preparing to lay down his life for the noble job of an investment banker...

Although it has its positives too-

A) A salary that gives me Independence and a bonus that makes me financially sorted
B) Intellectual colleagues, environment for hardworking
C) Good brand name, IB tag, respect in society, good career options

I tell the above 3 to myself every morning. Sometimes it works, most days my soul weeps. Before this, I have always been true to myself... I quiver at the thought of that part of my life being the last time.

I don't give a shit about it...pls delete pls delete pls delete.

Help, please. Someone. Anything.