I Entered A Time Warp

Happy Halloween assholes. Here's a spooky story to shiver your timbers and rustle your jimmies.

It takes place in the vestibule of my apartment building. Don't google 'vestibule' unless you want to see some gnarly female anatomy up close and personal (definitely no homo, I just prefer it waxed). The definition is simple. It's the part of my building where the mailboxes are and where my doorman shit-talks people in Czech.

I was preparing to go to work but I had a few too many stimulants in my system, so I was taking a literal lap around the first floor, stopping in the stairwell to grind my teeth and listen to Savage Nation on speakerphone. I shut the podcast off because I heard a screaming noise coming from the other side of the stairwell door.

It didn't sound like a man or a woman (was it a ghost you guys?). I poured a little bit of Woodford into my mouth to rinse out the taste of sublingual powders, took a deep breath, and walked back out into the hall, toward the vestibule, where the doorman was alone, on the floor, crumpled up from a good old fashioned faint. Of course the noise I heard was him. It was prissy and totally weak but also couldn't have been produced by anyone without an Adam's apple.

I don't like to get too involved with this guy ever since he grabbed my ass on Thanksgiving 2014 of all days, but I was pretty curious what had happened. I gave him some whiskey, a more masculine version of smelling salts. He said that he had just seen a transit bus take out an old woman. I looked out the front windows and everything seemed pretty calm to me.

"I don't know what you're talking about, man." He told me to wait and then people would start to gather. So I waited, not seeing any dead body or onlookers, when a fully upright old woman attempted crossing the street in front of the building. Three seconds later, a transit bus came by and mowed her down. People immediately started pouring into the street to help her and even the bus driver came to see the damage.

I looked at Novak like "what the fuck" and he just said, "Damn, man." I had to go to the office so I just left without saying a word and headed in the opposite direction from all the carnage. I spent the rest of the day turning it all over in my head to see if maybe some of the weird Chinese energy boosters I had taken had made this logical sequence of events happen out of order in my head.

I decided that, yes, in fact, I had been in the vestibule when this had happened and seen it with my own eyes, Novak had screamed and fainted (I had been there for that too, but my mind had been transported to the stairwell), and then I had returned to my own body to forget the whole thing, except for the scream.

So, take this as a warning, I guess? Stay away from whatever the fuck "ma huang" is. Or at least don't combine with Adderall and nose beers before 8 am.