Normally I wouldn't post something like this, but i'm at a point where I feel I NEED to vent and hear others opinions and there is no one in my real life I feel comfortable doing so to.
Disclaimer: I admit that a history of mental illness, suicide, and large scale depression is prevalent in my family. And it may be true that I just need to get drugged to high hell. I just haven't felt that I can admit that failure and see a doctor about this yet.
So, essentially, here is a TL;DR. I have been working AM for about a year and a half since graduation and make far more than enough money for my age. Yet, it's never enough and I can't stop spending I have piled up credit card debt on the back of large amounts of booze, toys, etc. I'm miserable at my work. I hate the job. I don't even work that long of hours (think around 55-60) and I dread it every day. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. A bed that I am consistently laying awake in most nights because of the awful insomnia i'm developing. I slept maybe 16 hours combined friday, saturday, sunday, and monday nights. I can't remember exactly how much because I was so drunk on friday and monday that I blacked out for much of the night. Saturday and Sunday I also drank, but managed to stay coherent enough to remember those days. My alcoholism is getting bad to teh point of waking up, having a drink before work, having a drink at lunch, and then spending most nights drinking heavily either by myself or at a bar trying to grab a poor soul to share my misery and some unfulfilling sex. I don't use drugs, but I'm strongly considering jumping into the habit. That leads into my inability to actually connect with other human beings. I'm callous to others situations and emotionally stunted myself. The last two females i've been involved with couldn't handle my co-dependency and depression and left me. The females who do seem to want to "save me" I want nothing to do with.
I'm in a situation where all my issues with work, boozing, insomnia, and connections to others is starting to stop me from functioning. I strongly considered suicide many times over the past 6 months. I even once pulled out the handgun I own, loaded it, and stuck it to my temple. Only do have the female I was involved with convince me otherwise. I spent yesterday fighting a hangover and feeling like my I was actually going legitimately crazy. To the point that I suicide, institutionalization, or generally dropping off the radar and heading to south america are my only options at this point in my life. I'm not sure how or why I am still alive or if I want to be a year from now. I certainly couldn't stand another year of my current existence. And I feel so isolated from the rest of the world that i'm not sure anyone or anything can help me.
I can't really explain my thoughts that well and I know this was rambling, but Ijust had to have some outlet and since I am a regular here (with a different username) this seemed as good as any.