Investment Banks as NFL Teams

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Rank: Neanderthal | 2,364

With the "Investment Banks as the Houses of Westeros" post being so awesome, I was bored this morning and thought we could the same with NFL teams now that the season is in full swing. Below are my rough ideas, let me know in the comments what you guys like/don't like and let's get some fanbases going at it. Enjoy!

New England Patriots/ Goldman Sachs:

You either love them or you hate them, but either way they run the league and always find themselves at the top of the standings/league tables hoisting trophies/tombstones. Their unique, almost cultish way of going about things only irritates their haters further, and jealousy and resentment abound. They've been known to cross some ethical and legal boundaries but no matter how deflated their footballs might be at the end of the game, their wallets are still packing the most heat.

Dallas Cowboys / J.P. Morgan:

With a monstrosity of a stadium/balance sheet, the Cowboys are big, loud and in charge. Their owner/Chief Executive is the most powerful in the league/on the street, and although critics will say they simply churn out financing/ haven't won a Super Bowl in a while, with the Cowboys it's go big or go home and money does indeed talk. At the end of the year, the Cowboys always top the franchise revenue/ global IB revenue rankings, Jerry/Jamie are raking in the money with a shovel, and the Cowboys are America's team.

Atlanta Falcons/ BAML:

With a fancy new stadium/skyscraper, the Falcons have a high-powered offense/balance-sheet that wins them games/deals, and they've burst on the scene as the newbie challenging the established order for the top spot. They've shot up the standings/league tables, but they don't have as much respect from some of the league's more established elite franchises, and now they have a little chip on their shoulder and something to prove. Winning game after game, the Falcons are poised to certainly be a contender for the next few years, but can they make it to the absolute top?

Green Bay Packers / Morgan Stanley:

A legendary old franchise where much of the league's/ street's history was written, but although the recent squad/firm has been winning with tough and consistent play, they've been hurt lately by injuries/senior defections to other banks and have lost a little ground in the NFC rankings to the upstart Falcons and other emerging challengers.

Oakland Raiders/Citi:

After a period of very, very dark years, the Black and Silver are back and intent on putting their mark on the league. They have some exciting young stars and they're making bold moves moving to Vegas/pushing credit derivatives like it's 2007, but after an early exit last year in the play-offs, it remains to be seen if they can really climb the league tables or make anything happen in December.

Kansas City Chiefs/ Lazard:

They play tough football/work their analysts to the bone, and year after year they have a solid business and win games/deals. They're one of the league's oldest and proudest teams, and with some bold moves they're trying to grow and change into a team at the absolute top.

Pittsburg Steelers/Barclays Capital:

They're a tough old franchise who fights hard to win games/deals but year after year can't crack the middle of the play-offs/league tables. They thought that some big moves (buying Lehman's US businesses/running with Bell and Brown) might propel them past the Pats, but that hasn't been the case and it's hard to know where they go from here.

Cincinnati Bengals/ Deutsche Bank:

They don't like the rules much, and their antics (Vontaze Burfict, etc./ illegal activities) often leave the refs throwing the flag and them losing yardage/paying out costly settlements. They're still a pretty good team and year after year people think they should be winning more games/deals, but after a really poor start fans are starting to think that the Bengals just aren't very good after all.

Houston Texans/ Evercore Partners:

After poaching half of the Patriots players, staff/GS Senior bankers, the Texans have a lights out defense and exciting young talent, but they don't have much more room for growth unless they unseat the bigger teams/banks above them.

Denver Broncos / Credit Suisse:

They're off in a different land where even the air is different, and although they're a good football team, people still don't quite think they can win with Trevor Siemian/Thiam at the helm. They have a couple of stars (Von Miller/Sponsors, LevFin), but after not making the play-offs last year, who knows what's in store for them?

New York Giants / Wells Fargo:

They've a behemoth with a big fan base/balance sheet and they're making money with tv rights, merchandise/ consumer franchise. People thought they were going to be the next great team going into the year/out of the financial crisis, but weak performance and internal division/fake account scandal has left people scratching their heads and the Giants trying to get themselves back on track to power up the rankings in their tough division.

San Fransisco 49ers/ UBS:

After the Montana/Young (Effron/Moelis) years, the 49ers have had a rough time of late. They've tried to make moves to aid their rebuilding (hiring Kyle Shanahan, John Lynch/building a WM behemoth), but they are still very much in the rebuilding phase and don't expect them to win many deals/games any time soon.

Bonuses:

Roger Goodell/ Federal regulators:

The league office is supposed to be instituting fair and transparent rules to help make the league more productive, but ultimately they're hypocritical and use their unchecked power to abuse teams/banks, and fail to ever take responsibility for any poor results. Who knows how much money is being stuffed into their pockets, and after opaque rule changes and unpopular moves against the biggest franchises, everyone hates their holier than thou attitude.

FinTech / CTE:

Nobody wants to talk about it if they don't have to but eventually this cancer will erode viewership/headcount, and there isn't much anyone can do about it but hope that the good days roll on for as long as possible.

Mod Note (Andy): top 50 posts of 2017, this one ranks #17 (based on # of silver bananas)